Monday, December 11, 2006

Hormonal Nightmare

After the whole chaos of being on those psychotic birth controls that made me absolutely whacky, from stopping them and coming back down to a state of tranquility- I faced my worst fear: the grocery store. I never trek into huge supermarkets packed with people playing bumper cars with their shopping carts. Everyone seems to be lost in their own world, on a mission to find what’s on their list. I had a get together planned for that evening. I needed to see my friends I haven’t seen in a while. I forced myself to grab a cart (with gloves of course) and head inside the madhouse.

I managed to grab everything that was on my list, including things I really didn’t need. That’s just how I am – a total impulse buyer. I finally get to the checkout line. There was only one person standing in front of me. I thought, “Wow, what a breeze this was!” Until I heard, “Price check please!”

That was it. I knew I was in it for the long haul. I felt my anxiety rise within me, so I started to watch this little television they had up to entertain their angry and impatient customers. It didn’t work. My ADD kicked in and I started to panic wondering when I would get out of here.

Finally, it was my turn.

“Super saving’s card?”
“Uh, no…”
“What’s your phone number?”
The checkout woman asks.
“212-555-2473.” I blurt out.
“Hmm, maybe you’re under a different number?”
“Well, you’re not showing up as a super saver.”
“No- I never applied.”
“Do you want to?”
“Just check me out and I’ll pay whatever it is…”
I said, frustrated that this lady assumed I had a super saver card. Just ring me up! I know she was trying to be courteous and nice. She was trying to save me money, but my anxiety said, “GO GO GO GO!”

She kept persisting though.

“But, you could save so much by signing up at the customer service station right there. Do you at least have a coupon?”

I looked at the customer service line that was a mile long. Not doing it.

“No. Please ring me up.”

Luckily I got out of there before I was sent home by security with a straight jacket on. I piled my groceries in and headed for the Italian deli, which serves specialty dishes and great marinated goodies. There was enough there to pack a good healthy artery or two.

“Here, try dis’!” Paulie says, as he comes out from the counter with a piece of salami of some sort (soprassata) and hands it to this customer who looked as though she was nothing to mess with. Her hair was short cropped- I want to say pretty close to a mullet. She had a Yankee’s jacket on and a pair of Levi’s and work boots.

“I can’t man.”
“Git ova’ here- try dis! It’s good!”
“Tell that to my doctor and my cholesterol level.”

“Ahhh---fuggedaboudit!!! We live way past our nineties and eat wha’ we want!” He says, as he throws his hands up and walks towards me with this slab of fat. I tried it. It was good. And yes, I bought it for my get together.

From delicious fried chicken fingers, to marinated mozzarella balls, I knew the gym should have been in the back of my mind- until I woke up with menstrual pain. I was just through with my cycle. After I abruptly stopped taking the birth control pills due to mood swings and anxiety attacks, I ended up bleeding…a lot. The two martinis the night before didn’t help either. It just made things worse. This morning it was alarming. I had to call the doctor. They said if I wasn’t ‘changing’ every hour, then it’s okay. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow about getting the DNC procedure. It’s scary, because I can’t leave my house without the fear of it getting really bad. My mother hemorrhaged a lot in the past- even in public places. I don’t want that happening to me.

So now I sit here writing to all of you about my dilemma. I’m two steps back when I thought I was getting better. Thank you to those who emailed me with advice regarding the PCOS information and the DNC procedure. I also want to thank Madelene and Rev. Kate for going up to the shrine in their churches for me and praying. Prayer is the best gift I can possibly receive. I know that this is routine stuff for women, but it scares me when it comes to these things. I realize that things could be so much worse, and know that I am fortunate health-wise, but it really means a lot to hear advice from people who have experienced this.

I don't know what's worse, having these womanly problems or eating that piece of soprassata.


Anonymous said...

Many years ago I was present at a most incredible sunrise. I stood alone at the top of a waterfall called Great Falls in Yosemite National Park. This was a spot that, over the years, thousands of people had visited and looked over.

In the silence of the dawn I yearned to look over the edge of the falls. I wanted to see the light reflecting off the mist drifting from the surface of the rushing water. I sat down and slid forward a little bit.

I knew that if I got too close, I risked falling off - one little slip was all it would take. I also knew that if I didn't take the risk I would probably never have the opportunity again.

I realized that fear was making my emotions more intense. My anxiety about falling was making me less likely to be confident about the moment and the decision to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.

Life is an endless process of shaping ourselves and we shape ourselves through every decision we make.

That morning, I made the decision to cheat myself. I didn't look. I didn't take the opportunity and I let fear win.

Do what I didn't do: squash out that fear and anxiety and go into this with as many positive thoughts as possible. Your surgery will be better. You will recover more quickly. You will be able to share your experience with others who have to go through the same thing. You already have just by sharing your thoughts up to this point!

It is in you to shape this experience into what you need and want it to be.

Geek said...

Tense and I pray all will go well, Please let us know if you need anything. I know you are in NY but I have a pretty long reach when someone I know needs it.

samuru999 said...

Dear Deb
I firmly believe in prayer!
I know it works!
I shall be praying for you tonight!
I pray all goes well tomorrow!



Nancy said...

I will include you in my prayers tonight, and I wish you well at your appointment.

I am sending you a big hug that lasts so long it's almost a little socially inappropriate in polite society. :)


~Deb said...

You guys are the best! Thank you so much for all the prayers! I'm a big baby when it comes to these things, so it means a lot. Again, I know things can be worse, but it's still a little scary for me. Your prayers mean the world to me and I thank you!

Anonymous said...

You will be fine. I can't wait to hear how easy it went and that you were being silly. MUAH

The Absent Minded Landlord said...

You should know by now that your body just doesn't prefer salami ;)

Sorry, I just couldn't resist. You are in my thoughts too, just wanted to lighten the mood a bit.

Anonymous said...

Good luck with the DNC. I hope it shows all clear.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing more mortifying and scary than to hemorrage in public. I so totally understand - for years I stood up in front of people in a WHITE robe on Sundays mornings and wondered if today would be the day that I bled all over the altar. I always got my period on Sunday morning (God, you know there ARE six other days in the week!). I feel for you and am keeping you in my prayers. You will be relieved after the D&C and the doctor will know how to calm things down. Let us know how it goes today.

~Deb said...

Jon: I'm hoping for the same thing! Thank you!

Absent: Haha!!! I didn't even think about that! Thank you for making me laugh before my little visit to doc!

Zibi: Don't be surprised if I head to Thailand for a sex change!

Rev. Kate: That's my worst fear. I can't even imagine. My mother keeps telling me horror stories about when she hemorrhaged on the train. The last time she hemorrhaged, she had a DNC 32 years ago, which made her produce an egg...which was "me". I'm a result of a DNC believe it or not. And to think, with my OCD, I needed her womb to be clean before resting in there for 9 months!
Thanks Kate!

Bossy♥'s YOU said...

I have not been grocery shopping in years, I send my hubby out..I hate shopping.

I had a DNC 7 years ago..but for other reasons, and it isnt as bad as u think..u will get thru it ok..and hopfully your troubles will be over..

Enemy of the Republic said...

I'll go with womenly problems--big drag. I am thinking and praying for your recovery and strength, my buddy!

GirlGoyle said...

Humm....I'd say the woman problems are worse. At least the sopressata tastes good going down. And please don't tell me you really wear gloves to use the shopping cart?? You are like the online "Monk" from the TV show. hehehehehe. I can so relate to you on the trip to the store. Ugh.

Good luck on your procedure. I'm sure it will be like a walk in the park!!

~Deb said...

Thanks Bossy & Enemy!

Girlgoyle, I wore the gloves because it was cold here in NY. BUT---in the summer, I'm always grabbing for the alcohol soaked wipes they have available for the carts. Other than that, my antibacterial gel works great! I always have that on hand!

CP said...

You were totally prayed for this past weekend at Temple. I am holdin' down the Jew front for ya, girl.

And, I sent you a very poignant video via email that made me think of you...not the little scenes, but the entire message on the whole. You'll see what I mean.

I love you, you hormonal mess.


J R Estelle said...

Wait, you had Soprassata and didn't TELL ME????

Spoke said...

Jesus has you in his arms sweety. This is scary stuff, real stuff, true stuff! but the TRUTH is, He has you covered. I'd avoid the sex change if I were you love. My wife is often annoyed about how often I have sex on my mind. I'm not sure it's a "man thing", but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Keep your plumbing the way God goes well with your heart and mind.
I'm praying for you and yours...

Anonymous said...

I'll pray to "goodness" for you Deb.

Beth said...

I would be scared if I were you too! I'm not saying I think that anything will go wrong, I'm just saying I know what it's like to worry, even though in your gut you know things will be okay. Best of luck with it all, and make sure to post about how it all goes!

<3 <3 <3 <3

And hopefully they can fix that bloody mess down there! GRRR!

ann said...

I'm with cp... my prayers are with you, but in the synagogue.

Deb good luck at the doctors... I have a very laid back attitude about my own health, but as for the rest of the family, oy vay.

take care

lotsa luv ann xxxxx

QUASAR9 said...

Well Deb, I can't really comment on women's issues - but glad all is well with your bllod & health!

QUASAR9 said...

PS - Whatdidya mean when you said - 'converted' to christianity?

What were you before you converted

Miss 1999 said...

Words can't express how happy I am to hear your blood work came out ok. I was worried-- and defintely sent up prayers for you *Hugs*

Catch said...

You sound like me Deb. Not too much bothers me until it comes to me going to the Dr. My anxiety level is off the charts!I have a great Dr who knows how to deal with me. We laugh and joke around until I settle down a little bit. He knows I am a nut case when it comes to medical things concerning me. D & C is a simple procedure...until its one of us getting it!!! LOL

Neers said...


samuru999 said...

Everything turned out okay!
Hearing that...made my day!


Pittchick said...

I'm glad you're OK!

Cinderella said...

I knew everything would be ok...wanna know why? Because you are a special lady. Take it easy and remember no matter how bad you think you have it, someone eles has it ALOT harder...keep your chin up!


LisaBinDaCity said...

I know what you mean about those grocery lines. I want to scream "just let me pay already!!!" ;-)