Thursday, December 14, 2006

Apply Within

If it’s not one thing, it’s the other. From visiting endless doctors- ones that don’t require people to come in for colds, flues or other virus related stuff, I figured picking up a magazine wasn’t a big deal. No one touched it who was sick. People come in here to get ultrasounds, pap smears and blood work. That’s it. I start flipping through the pages as I waited for the nurse to call me in.

A day later, I’m sick. I’m hacking, coughing, wailing, sniffling, tearing, snorting and blowing my nose like a bugle boy. It wasn’t pretty. The funny thing is, when people hear me blow my nose, they assume I’m one of those ‘quiet types’ that just steams off a little whoooooosh- and that’s it. Nope. I’m honking so loud, that I could use it as my mating call. It’s a very unattractive quality. I try my best not to do it in public, but it’s just unavoidable.

I don’t care where you are, what you do, or who you’re with- do not touch any magazines that aren’t in your custody at home! Don’t do it. Now think about it… Remember how most of us flip pages? Let me rephrase that. Remember how most people “without” OCD flip pages? They lick their finger. Do we forget about that? I looked around the office and noticed this lady licking her fingertip before she flipped over to the other page. She even made this annoying noise with each lick. It was awful. Why didn’t my head click over to, “Other people do that Deb!”

So now I sit here, wailing, sniffling, tearing, snorting and honking my nose all over the place with a million tissues piled up in my waste basket. I’m a mess. I had way too much soup, which consists of tons of sodium. I’m starting to look much like one of those balloons at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Retaining water isn’t a fun thing guys. My fingers start to turn purple if I don’t take my rings off after a nice salty meal, and my eyes swell up to where they look like little tiny slits. Yet, another unattractive quality. I try my best not to blow up in public, but again, it’s just unavoidable.

So now I have an open position if any of you are interested. Here’s the qualifications…

NURSE NEEDED:
Dependable nurse needed to take care of Deb as she’s sick in bed. Must be able to tolerate loud noises (her honking) and high demands for more soup. You must monitor her water retention so she can at least get out of the doorway in order to use the restroom. Tea with a shot of whiskey is a must at 2pm. Tasks include taking out her tissue-filled trash can, refilling her water jug, elevating her feet and occasionally giving her a back rub. Dress code is important. Must wear a white nurse’s outfit, which entails a short, slinky skirt. Top must be low cut and “filled out”. (Men, you’ll have to adapt well if you’re applying…or get a sex change. I’m an EOE.) The pay rate is competitive and the benefits are outstanding. Candidate must be detail oriented and be willing to work under pressure. Please apply within the comments. Will need salary requirements and a resume.