Monday, February 15, 2016

The Perfect Relationship: Is There Such a Thing?

There's this strange myth by single people that being paired up with someone creates pure bliss. Somehow, they seem to think that if they were in a relationship that this would make them "whole" -- or perhaps take their loneliness away. I guess it's pretty much a slippery slope. On one hand, yes you are technically "alone". You are "single" -- without another companion to take away that deafening silence that seems to fill a room quicker than a crowd of people in a grocery store before a snowstorm. But what some people don't understand is, sometimes being with the wrong person can leave you feeling even lonelier. There are some people who are in love with the idea of being in love -- the idea of just being coupled up in a relationship. They think it makes their social status appear more "legit". And of course there are genuine people who just fall in love and end up being together. That's the relationship you wanna be in, especially if you met on a foundation of friendship. Those are the relationships that seem to last the longest.

Contentment.

What does that word mean to you? Contentment is seen as a bad word among single people. There are stages in a relationship that people just cannot accept. The first stage is that new falling-head-over-heels-butterflies-in-you-stomach type of love. The intimacy is intense, the sex is mind-blowing and frequent whereas in stage two, you seem to find that the sex has lessened just a tad and those butterflies resorted back to the sofa to watch Netflix and refrain from chillin'... Stage two is interesting because if it's going well, you have the best of both worlds: friendship and intimacy. NO this is not friends with benefits! It's a deeper connection, where the primary source of intimacy is communication and sex has taken second place. Second place is still good as ever, but you now have this deeper level of understanding -- a safer place to land -- where "home" is where your partner is. You can't beat that stage really. The third stage is pure companionship. It's the stage when our bodies aren't the same as they used to be, so physical intimacy may have died out. But what is left over -- what's been built all these years is a foundation of friendship.

I truly believe that if you start off a relationship based on sexually driven excitement, even though you see those red flags and feel that uncertainty of their character -- (but the sex hella' good) -- what's left to fall back on? Do you enjoy their company? Can you sit with them for more than a couple of hours at a time having deep, long conversations? Do they make you laugh? Do they make you feel good about yourself? Do they tell you often that they love you or how beautiful or handsome you look? Is the percentage of happiness outweigh the percentage of conflict or sadness? Have you even asked yourself if you're settling due to the fear of being alone? These things are super important and if you don't reevaluate why you are with someone or why you want to be in a relationship, then why even waste your time with the wrong person?

In my younger years when I was single, I was at the bar more than I'd like to admit. I went to the same clubs sometimes two, three nights in a row hoping to meet someone. When I started dating Madelene, we still went clubbing and going out at least twice a week.  And although we still love going out and meeting new people, our venues have changed as well as our frequency of going out. I've heard some people consider that to be "boring". They tell me staying home to cook and watch movies on a Saturday night doesn't seem as appealing as going to see some tone-deaf rock band play till 2am. I used to love watching bands play till closing. But my priorities have changed. I've even heard, "You need to get out more."  No, I don't. I need to be happy where I am in life. I need to find home my place of solace and tranquility. Usually, the people who tell me this aren't in their "perfect living arrangement". I used to be that person. I would never stay home because I didn't wanna be home. There's a huge difference. But when you love your home, love what you do, love your partner (or even if you're single) -- home isn't such a bad place to be at. I always tell my wife, "We make better food and drinks than a restaurant, why waste our money?" And although we do venture off to a restaurant maybe once a week -- it's so much better at home. It really is.

Happiness isn't anywhere else but inside of you. It's not out in the clubs, or in a relationship or marriage. It's not a big win at the casino or inside a car dealership. It's inside YOU. And if you can't seem to find it alone without all of those materialistic, superficial worldly things, then you will never acquire it. And let's face it -- we're all depressed in this world -- well the majority of us, (big pharma has proof). So we might as well be happy with who we are, what we do and not pay attention to those who judge our lives so harshly. The ones who judge us are the ones who are most miserable, hoping that you're just as miserable too. They just love company. The perfect relationship begins with you.

What do you think?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!