Living Proof

I'm sitting here listening to the rain, trying to finish up a chapter from my book. Hopefully it'll be out before winter hits us. I've been thinking a lot. And by a lot, I mean obsessively thinking to the point of insomnia. I'm very sad, but I know that sometimes it's necessary to just drop people from your life without any sort of explanation whatsoever. Most of the time, it's because we're old enough to know what we don't want in our lives, and that the person who is filling up your love tank with a bunch of toxic waste should learn the hard way of why they're being dropped. An explanation would just conjure up a negative response. As I have learned, silence is the best communicator when distancing yourself from negative people. As I always say, "Just pretend I'm dead," and that's that. You don't have to give an explanation of why you died, because you're simply not there any longer. While pushing up daisies, they can f...

We weren't your typical everyday Italian/Catholic family. We held all the traditions of a typical New York Italian family, like the smells of dinner being prepared at 8am and dinner served by 2pm on a Sunday afternoon. We went through the motions of ceremonial rituals of a typical Catholic family: CCD, communions and confirmations, but rarely attended mass because those Sunday dinners were started way too early. We were always taught about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but we weren't bashed over the heads with bibles. We were taught right from wrong, but like any normal kid, two wrongs always equaled a "right". Kinda still does till this day. I remember grandma giving the "evil eye", and then telling us to always forgive one another. Sometimes Mom and Dad would fight about something. Dad would throw something against the wall and then Mom would be in another room in complete silence pretending to sleep. He never hurt her or any one of us, but he had outb...

There's a saying and I think it goes, "No one can offend you without your permission." I easily give away my "offended card" and chuck it up to just one of those silly events. More and more, I have been developing strength -- developing my spiritual muscle, so to speak. I have been trying so hard to maintain calmness even when those around me are explosive. But, I'm human and I can only take so much. That's not an excuse though. I can do better. Every single day, I pray and meditate on God giving me the strength to 'keep it together' when someone attacks me -- to remain quiet -- at peace. When someone pushes you to your limits, sometimes it's all you can do to just remain in your 'zen moment'. Perhaps a different approach needs to be taken, like what Joel Osteen said during his sermon this past Sunday. He was stating that you should put your walls up. He said, "Let them talk about you -- you must be someone of worth to have t...

Kind of latching onto my previous post about being verbally abused and other various things, I'm sitting here thinking about ways to cope with those types of people. I truly believe that your words and especially your actions will dictate what kind of life you will have, whether it be a peaceful one, or a life filled with tons of unnecessary drama. As I season with age, I'm also learning that my own words and actions have a cause and effect. If I slap a complete stranger in the street, chances are I'm gonna get a slap back or perhaps a tenfold in return. As my own mother always said, "Turn the other cheek." But that's kinda' hard for me to do sometimes. Then my mother-in-law said something pretty wise to me a few weeks ago. She said, "Whenever you're being verbally attacked, let them hear themselves go on and on. Let them hear their own voices. Don't say a word. Just walk away." She wasn't saying to just let people walk all over ...

A long time ago when I was around 11 years old, I had this boy named "Mikey" on my bus ride home from school, taunting me and pulling my book bag straps. He wouldn't stop. I was fuming, but also at the verge of crying too. I really couldn't figure out his motive, but in my mind, I plotted and schemed his impending demise, because his stop also happened to be my stop. I made sure to get off the bus before him, so I could sucker punch him right in the face. And I did. This was totally out of character for me - I wasn't a bully or retaliated so violently before, but this time was different. He fell down, but quickly got right back up. My mother was at the bus stop waiting for me, holding her face screaming, "Stop!" He ran up to me and hit me right in the head, as I kept punching him, left-right-left-right. I was so angry that I started to pick up a ton of shale that was on the driveway and started throwing stones at him. Talk about barbaric. The kid ran ...

It’s amazing how people can tear you down with words. Sometimes, those words live with you forever, even if an abundance of years fly by, those words are traveling with you, haunting you till the very end. Some feel you can let it haunt you or you can let it go - it’s your choice. But what if you just can’t shake it? What if those words keep echoing inside your mind for months, years, decades, until you decide to succumb to those hurtful words. It can actually dictate what you do in life, how you do things in life, and also, how you avoid certain things that you once enjoyed. Words have power. They can either lift you up or tear you down. What you say makes a difference. What others say also makes a difference, although many will disagree and say, “It doesn’t matter what others say about you” --- sometimes it does, especially if it’s someone you once loved and someone who once claimed to love you too. In my mind, words can be like little fireballs being thrown at you. They scar, leavin...

All my life I have been known to forgive, and quite easily. That’s not to be mistaken for letting people walk all over me, but putting myself in their shoes knowing how horrible I felt for either making someone feel bad or offending somebody by my words or actions. I never understood it if someone held a grudge against me, or for anyone. I’d always tell them to forgive and forget. I used to be able to do that so freely. I used to be able to let things go and completely forget about the offense. I’d like to think I still forgive freely, however there’s quite a difference in my way of thinking, my way of healing, my way of letting that person know that it’s not okay to do ‘that’ to me, or say ‘this’ to me. It’s not that I demand respect or think I’m all high and mighty, I just want to feel respected as a person, as a friend, as in any relationship I may have with someone. Whenever I was in the wrong, I’d quickly apologize, begging for forgiveness, and usually, it was given to me. If...

It’s been quite challenging for me lately, as far as debating whether or not to continue a journey of friendship with someone I cared for very much. We’re all complex and have our own opinions, beliefs and whatnot. It’s normal. But when an argument or a disagreement takes place, when is it time to draw the line in order to decide whether or not staying in the friendship is a healthy choice? It’s one thing for two people to disagree about whatever, but it’s another to insult or attack another on a personal level. For instance: you and a friend argue about a misunderstanding or perhaps, a break in a promise that was set - those things can be resolved. But when your friend personally attacks you - whether it’s about your physical appearance, insults about your family or maybe an attack on your integrity: when does it come to the point of realizing your friend obviously has hidden resentments, anger or even jealousy toward you? 

I ended a friendship a couple of weeks ago. This person re...

Sometimes I feel like everybody in my life wants to give me a jab because either they’re in a bad mood or they resent me for something.  Maybe it’s all in my head, I don’t know. As of lately, I’ve noticed certain people who are in my life poking at me for the smallest of things, making a big fiasco out of nothing. I find that if I don’t respond the way they want me to (combative and explosive), then they seem to get angrier. I simply accept what they say, without it seeming arrogant or nonchalant, nor undermining their feelings, and then I get blasted with a well thought out rebuttal as though they were saying, “Watch--this’ll get under her skin...” Even when I try to go out of my way for these people to do nice things for them, or to make them feel better when they’re seemingly in a disgruntle mood, I get comments like, “Aww, was that a Hallmark moment for you?” Maybe I don’t understand people as well as I thought I did. Maybe I’m doing something wrong here but all I know is, peo...

Tonight I’m hiding out. It’s a bizarre story, however, all too familiar when I think back to my childhood. This afternoon, I went out upstate to enjoy the beautiful weather and go out to a café and have lunch. I stopped by antique stores and just sat down to people watch. There was a cool breeze and I really didn’t think anything could go wrong. Everyone was out and about, in flip flops and wearing their casual clothes. Couples were hand-in-hand and other people were walking their little dogs enjoying the end of the August weather. I arrived home around 5pm. My parents live underneath my apartment. I have to go through the house in order to get to my place- which was never a problem…until today. “Why da fug’ did ya leave the damn doors open?” My father says, in this 'already been sitting there stewing' type of tone. “Huh?” I said, walking in with Madelene and trying to make my way up to my apartment. “Some guy came in here looking for someone else! You’z gotta leave...