Living Proof

Losing Mom was the worst fear of my life. Nobody will truly understand what you're going through, even if they've been through it many years ago, they're just at a different level of their loss and grief. Losing a mother is probably second to losing a child, as "they say." I'm not sure who "they" are, but I've heard of that and somehow believe it. But what if you don't have children, like myself? What if your child turned out to be your mother? "They" also say that as we grow older, we change roles with our parents. Our parents become our children, as we start to parent and care for our parents. It's an interesting turn of events, a sad, yet loving one. We return the love and care that we received all of our lives. Many have never experienced a loving relationship with their own parents, so I am sorry if this hits you right in the heart. I'm mainly speaking about my experiences right now, so that others may relate in some ...

Usually, I'm pretty hesitant to write about this type of stuff and I still do at times, but at the moment, I feel that it's very important to talk about this topic. I don't believe (or confirmed) that I'm a medium or some whacky 'ghost whisperer", but I have and still do communicate with people who have passed away, usually relatives and close friends from the past. This can be through dreams, symbolic signs or even short-lived appearances. I just don't talk about it because it seems a bit ~cray cray~. I can definitely confirm the cray cray part. Not to repeat myself from almost two years ago, but my mother and I knew the day and time that Dad would pass onto the other side. We were both outside on July 20th. Mom was smoking her cigarette sitting in the passenger seat of her parked car. Just to backtrack a bit, throughout this grueling ordeal, we watched Dad talk to people who weren't there. We also found out that certain family friends in our pas...

On many occasions, I've heard that adapting to change is a sign of maturity, or perhaps becoming "wiser" in some aspects. The types of changes, such as a new job or a new relationship can seem exciting and fun, and for the most part it is. Changes such as moving from one home to a lesser home, divorce or even a death in the family are seen as the most stressful events in our lives. Those are huge changes. We have to adapt, or at least try. We have to learn to ride the storm out grudgingly. I call those the "downgrade changes". I remember when Madelene and I had to rent an apartment downtown. We had no backyard, old twisted up plumbing and a furnace older than the hills that kept spilling out carbon monoxide to which the utility company had to fine my landlord. That wasn't fun because the landlord used to get pissed off at me for reporting it. Well, it was either report it or die in my bed. Although there were a lot of frustrations with that place, there ...

One of my favorite writers once wrote about her distaste in people loosely using the term, "I feel your pain," while comforting someone else, as if they're trying to share in their unfortunate experience in some roundabout way. I believe there are different levels and deeper scales of "pain" when it's purely emotional. Losing a pet, losing a friend, the loss of a loved one, a family member, and the worst I have seen just recently, was a friend who just lost her 1 year old baby who passed away while napping. I cannot even fathom that kind of pain, just sympathize and can only wonder if her life will ever be the same again. I can't even compare it to the loss of my father. My comfort in losing Dad was that he is no longer suffering. He lived to be 75 years old and had a great, long life. A life well lived, of course until the end. That alone, comforts me. But the unresolved and unanswered questions from God Himself, asking Him, "Why? Why do you have...

Can you just imagine being a pregnant woman and deciding to take a beautiful stroll into the park because it was absolutely gorgeous outside? You decide to sit on a bench to rest and daydream about your future - to daydream about what your son or daughter will grow up to be or how you will raise him or her. Your thoughts are endless as the sun glistens down, shining through the trees making little golden circles around your feet. It's the perfect day. Perfect, until the 200 year old oak tree falls on top of you, crushing every bit of life you have left. This is what happened to a Queens woman the other day. The first 'fall-like' day and she decided to sit on a bench in the park. What makes someone come at the right place at the right time like that? Is it "right"? Is it God's plan? Stuff like that makes me wonder if it was all meant to be --- as if it was planned by God Himself. "Well, why would God do such a terrible thing like that?" Was it ...

From insomnia straight into a full fledge "sleeping beauty syndrome", like that Pennsylvania girl who has Kleine-Levin Syndrome, I slept well over 12 hrs last night. Periodically, Mad would shake me and ask, "Are you ok?" I was in a zombie-like state, staring at her not knowing what she was asking me - just seeing her lips move. Usually, I can't go to sleep at all, and if I do, I get these crazy jolts that wake me up. Some doctors believe it's sleep apnea, but it's only when I'm filled with anxiety. Mad watches over me while I sleep sometimes, and when I get these jolts, she notices that my breathing never stopped once. I even get these 'jolts' while I'm awake, but when I'm overtired. It's more neurological or something. I'm not sure. Doctors want me to take a sleep test, but I know for a fact I will never fall asleep. Even while being in the hospital overnight, I didn't sleep one second.  Yesterday was a very trying day...

Thanksgiving is only like two weeks away. Everyone is scattering around making plans to go wherever for a nice turkey dinner to gather with friends and family. This is going to be our first Thanksgiving without Dad. It feels strange to not have him around----period. It feels like there's a missing part of the circle that completes us -- like an opening that somehow needs to be closed. It feels drafty, unsafe, and more so, unpredictable. We want to keep that circle closed so that nobody else falls out. Anyone of us can fall out of this circle we have - and that makes it all too surreal. We do the best we can every single day, trying to cope with our great loss and support one another emotionally. We have been going through 'recovery mode' and trying the best we can to heal, but now, the holidays are approaching. Dad was a huge participant, so it's weighing down our hearts a bit more. Years ago, when I was growing up, we would always spend Thanksgiving home. Our relat...

I don't care if you're a hard-headed, unforgiving, bitter ol' sonnovabitch, but most everyone holds onto old wounds, or at least remembers them. New wounds always need time of course. You don't have to be the "nice guy" or the sensitive soul that absorbs way too much. While we're all wired so differently and beautifully, we all have egos and hearts that break and shatter. I'm guessing about 80% + people are in therapy trying to 'figure it all out', while the rest are out there seeking some sort of outlet (and relief) to distract them from the chaos that lives inside their minds. You've heard the saying, "Idle time is the devil's playground", and while that may ring true, we may also find ourselves running away from what hurt us instead of facing it head on. The fact remains, wherever you go, for however long 'something' distracts you, there is going to be a time when your moments are idle and your thoughts come flutt...