Living Proof

It was another sleepless night as I lay there awake holding my dog while she was wrapped up in a warm fleece blanket. I sometimes use her as a teddy bear when I'm feeling very emotional. She doesn't mind either, it just means more warmth for her. Any time my mother has to go in for a procedure or for a check up to see if her cancer has lessened or worsened, I get that same feeling as I did when my dad went through this ordeal. I remember coming home from a long day of sitting with Dad at the hospital. He was screaming in pain and I didn't know how else to help him other than to hold his hand. The nurses weren't quick enough to fulfill his pain medication on a time. His IV bag was empty and well, so was my patience. I went out to the nurses' station and screamed at them, letting them know that they were making my father suffer and that it was just inhumane. They all rushed in with extra IVs and bags of morphine, scared that I would've made more of a psychotic s...

Our security system. We all want to feel safe. We all want that sense of security with whoever and wherever we are. Maybe it's based on our survival instincts or maybe it's due to each person's own experience and anxieties. Maybe all of the above. Who knows. I just remember when I was a little girl living with my parents and three older sisters - there wasn't anything that could've harmed us. Dad was always the strong and mighty one - nobody could move past him. If there was a noise outside, he'd come out like a big redneck holding his rifle shouting, "Whoz' out dare'?!?!" Whatever and whomever it was, fled real quick. We never worried about intruders or if we were ever going to get hurt at home in general. A sense - a feeling - a contentment that just was imbedded in us. We've seen "outsiders" fall ill and some pass away. But not our family. We were strong and nothing could get us…nothing. Safety is all a facade. And ev...

There are many times when I get down on myself. I tell myself I'm not good enough, I don't have 'this' or I don't have 'that' - and my life just plain stinks. I'll complain about life's challenges and difficulties and all the things that I should've done, or should've been graced with. I complain and complain and complain. Then it hits me:  "I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."  - A line taken from Joyce Meyer. But even then, it wasn't so bad. But there were great challenges, like seeing my father fall ill to cancer. We all took turns and shifts sitting all day and evening with Dad in the hospital, even if he was knocked out cold by the pain meds, just so he wouldn't feel alone. I remember standing in the elevator with about 5 other people. I played this little game, guessing why they were here, or if they were a patient getting clearance and finally out of their 30 sq ft room. M...

Have you ever had a day (or for me), a week, where you are just unable to function at all? You can't think straight, sleep a full night or respond appropriately to 'surprise' disappointments? The slightest curveball will send me into tears lately. It's an unexpected response, especially for me. I'm just a wreck. And as you can see, I haven't written in quite some time. I couldn't. My mind was blank. I woke up Saturday morning with my leg blown up like a balloon. It was really strange - something that has never happened to me before. I drove myself up to the hospital to get it checked out for a DVT/blood clot, just to make sure I wasn't in danger. Odd ailment. But I guess eating Chinese food the night before didn't help. I was so stressed out, had an anxiety attack in the emergency room. They had to calm me down - not sure why I had a panic attack. It just happened. I made an appointment with this new therapist who happened to be in the same town I...

Yesterday, Mom was crying. I asked, "What's wrong?" Stupid question on my part perhaps, yet I still wanted to know why my mother, who hardly ever cries (at least in front of people) would be so sad. She was sitting on the couch that was across the room from my dad, who was lying on his bed which hospice provided. During the past couple of weeks, they've been cracking jokes, laughing and really enjoying their time together. Yesterday was different. My mom doesn't like to "upset me" as she thinks. She doesn't want to burden me with "stuff" - but for me, how can I possibly help not knowing what she needs? I asked her again, "What's wrong?" She nodded her head with no words spoken. I asked again, and she said, "Nothing," nodding her head and fumbling with her tissue in her hands. I asked her if she wanted me to call a hospice nurse so I could take her out for an hour or two, but she declined. I felt powerless. She look...

In a strange way, rain seems to be healing for me - mostly on an emotional scale. I get to shut down, withdraw or perhaps just regroup, recharge and start all over again. While I don't expect life to be a complete bed of roses, I know there are going to be challenges ahead. It's not a matter of "if", but "when".  I've been praying and praying for a span of calmness, happiness, togetherness with my family and friends and God has given that to me. I know that any given moment, I can get a call in the middle of the night saying, "Dad's in the hospital again" or "Come down, Dad's sick - what should we do?" We all anticipate these occurrences and somehow pull through it, but there's a tiny part of me that "stays awake", even if asleep, as though I'm waiting for the call or waiting for the 'alarms' to set off. My shoes are always at the end of the bed with a pair of jeans just in case I have to slip in...

It’s hard for some people to show their faith in God. Some feel it’s a sign of weakness or that they’ll think others will assume they’ve gone mad, especially those who truly believe in God, but are ashamed to show it -- even to God Himself. These past few weeks have been especially difficult for my dad. He’s lost all hope. His demeanor went from somewhat hopeful to doom & gloom from to his pain, fatigue and constant battle with his illness. My mom keeps saying, “Pray to God” , but the emptiness in his eyes glazes over her suggestion and his head goes back down, staring at the floor again. He’s also been battling with his faith in God. He asked, “How can God do this to me?” Yesterday while he was pacing back and forth with anxiety, my mother said, “Go inside your room and pray!” And to my surprise, he said, “I’m gonna try, Ro...I’m really gonna try.” About an hour later, he came outside where we were sitting and my mother asked, “Did you pray?” He put his head down and then ...

Rainy, dreary, foggy, unclear. It’s been like this for a bit... I haven’t been updating this site because my dad is sick right now and in the hospital. The family and I have been huddling around dad’s bed smiling so he can’t see the many tears held back for him. While we know the diagnosis and grim news, dad smiles, with hope, because some of the ‘truth’ has been hidden. But, I do believe in miracles and praying for one right now. I haven’t been able to write or think for the most part. My mind’s been so occupied. I guess if it was sunny outside, it would seem as though the weather was mocking us in some twisted way. If you could say a prayer for my dad and ask for a miracle somehow, we’d appreciate it. I miss that crazy Italian telling us awful politically incorrect jokes and stories. It’s strange, after a year of being ‘out of it’ and not himself, while at the hospital this past week, his positive spirit came back somehow. I can’t explain it. We all said, “He’s back!” But while the ...