Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Where's My God?


Slowly plugging away attempting to write my second book, I've taken a much different avenue this time. Back in 2003, when I wrote my first book, my outlook was strangely different than it is now. Although I claimed to have been "born again" -- I truly wasn't at all. I admit this. And what I mean by not being born again as I claimed, I speak about the deep relationship I have with God -- not just "Oh I believe in God, therefore I'm saved." And...while faith and belief in God alone will ultimately get you saved, it's the 'fruits' of your faith which are most important. I kept asking God to change me -- to have me get to truly know who God was. I wanted a deeper relationship with Him.  The truth is, the Holy Spirit cannot live inside a body full of sin and sinful thoughts. There can't be two oppositions living under one "roof" so to speak -- and yet -- while the flesh is weak, the Spirit is stronger. You don't have to be perfect, but you have to desire to strive to change. Come to Him like a child.

"And I will give you a new heart--I will give you new and right desires--and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love." --Ezekiel 36:26

As I kept asking God to change me -- to take my old stony heart out and replace it with a new one -- I found myself not wanting my old life back. I found myself desiring God more, and less of my own desires of the world. It took time, because I right after repenting, I would keep sinning again, and then repenting, and then sinning, and then repenting. But once you start realizing that your repentance is getting less and less (although daily renewal is wonderful) -- you'll see that it works like a muscle. The more you strengthen your faith and relationship with God, the stronger it gets. You don't have to worry either if your flesh gets weak, because God will always catch you. He knows your heart. So, it's literally impossible for us to not sin here and there, but if you keep praying for a new heart, you'll see that your life has taken on a whole new meaning -- a whole new LIFE. I used to think it was by works alone. "Well, if I do something good or help someone in need, then God will reward me." No. It doesn't work that way. You have to truly DO good from your HEART and the Spirit that is guiding your heart -- not from your own mission to get into heaven. I realized that it wasn't about "heaven" alone. It's about developing a deep and intimate relationship with Jesus in the here and now -- on earth, AS it IS in heaven as well. It starts here.

You have a messy life? Good, so do I. It's all the more reason to need God more in your life. Our struggles are apart of why we stumble onto God's strength.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." {Then HE is strong.} --- 2 Corinthians 12.10

In my weakest moments, I felt God give me the strength I didn't have. I remember the day I was supposed to pick up my mother from the hospital. She was okay. I thought she was okay. The night before, she called me at 6pm. She said, "Hiya Deb! I miss you!' And I told her I missed her too, and how the house isn't the same without her. She of course, asked what I was having for dinner just so she could brag about her dinner in the hospital (which for some reason she loved.) We said our "I love yous" and goodbyes... "See you tomorrow. I'll bring up a bag so you can put your clothes in ma." The morning came, and I called her up just to make sure the nurses had her release papers, which as anyone knows, can take hours! When I called, it sounded as though somebody picked up the phone for her. It rattled and shuffled around until I heard my mom's voice.

"Deb? DEB!!!?"

"Ma, what's wrong?"

She screamed, "It's TERRIBLE! Oh Deb! It's TERRIBLE!" and afterwards, cries of pain. I told her I'd be right up there to get her. I had no clue what was going on! I never once heard my mom sound like that. Pain was small stuff for her -- she went through a ton of pain in her life, but I never heard her scream in such horror. Till this day, I can still hear her last words of horror to me.

Before I left, my phone rang and it was my friend to ask how I was doing. I started crying and telling her what happened. She prayed for me over the phone, and then I started to get chest pains while still holding the receiver. Soon enough, an ambulance picked me up....to drive me to where my mom was, but to take care of ME. I couldn't believe I was going into the same hospital to PICK UP my mother in an ambulance! But I was there to see if I was really having a heart attack. The stress of seeing my mom in so much pain was unbearable for the past couple of years. It really took a toll on me.


As I was lying on a gurney in the hallway of the hospital, because the place was overcrowded -- I got a phone call from my sister. I told her that once I'm checked out I'll be right up to see Mom and get her out of there. I was apologizing for the lateness and detour of everything....

Then I heard, "Deb...she's not coming home today." But there was silence..... "She's not supposed to make it through the night."

As I sat up in my gurney with the phone still pressed against my ear, I started crying silently, mouth opened, no air coming out --- just a pain that zapped through my entire being -- like a baby before the big WAILING comes through. And then I started wailing right there, in the middle of the chaos around me, people being wheeled in and patients overlooking me from all the rooms nearby. My cries were as if I was dying. A nurse came by and asked if I needed a Percocet. She thought I was in pain. I just stared at her with tears gushing out of my eyes with my mouth wide open -- I couldn't shut my mouth!

"Debra? Debra? What's giving you pain right now? Is it your chest?" the nurse asked.

"Ma-ma-ma-ma-my mom is DYINGGGGGGGGGG UPSTAIRS!!!!!!!!!" 

In a matter of seconds, I had almost a dozen nurses surrounding me, throwing me kleenex and one of them saying that she'll no longer be in pain and that she'll be in a better place, blah blah blah... I knew she meant well but my mom!!! No! She was off limits! She was supposed to come home with me today! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My blood work and EKG came back. I was fine. I shuffled myself upstairs to see my mom, lifeless in the bed she was making jokes in the day before. The morphine bags were out and they kept upping the dosage because her blood pressure showed that she was still in pain. I went numb. I just stared at her. In a matter of days, she was gone.

Someone who occasionally runs across my live broadcasts had emailed me when my mom died and asked, "Where's your God now?"

My God is right here. My God stopped me from having a heart attack. My God graced me with my sister in law who stayed with us during the entire process, cooking for us, and giving us some lightheartedness in the house. She comforted her sister as well as myself. The exact time Mom passed, she was there crying with us, as a family.

Where's my God?

My God sent me a rainbow the day of Mom's passing. It was so vivid, as you can see in the photo, and lasted for over an hour. I have never seen a rainbow last for over an hour -- ever.

Where was my God? My God was there when my mother in law and her husband came to cook for us, spend time with us and give us some peace of mind. They comforted us in our time of mourning. God brought them to us. They prayed with us and made us feel at ease.

Where's my God?

My God let me rest. He reassured me my mother was okay by sending me big white feathers (sign of angels) and doves that rested on my house cooing that entire week. The night before my mom passed away, He sent me an owl next to my window "hoo-ing" -- letting me know it was her time. My mother and I always said that if one of us should go before the other, we would send an owl. My God was there to provide that.

Where's my God?

I asked the Holy Spirit to enter my soul and to give me the power of healing from heaven.

The answer came through in a Bible verse: "There is forgiveness of sins for all who turn to me. You are witnesses of all these things. And now, I will send the Holy Spirit, just as my Father promised. But stay here in the city until the Holy Spirit comes to fill you with the POWER FROM HEAVEN." --Luke 24:47-49

Where's my God?

I was worrying about what would happen to our house and where we would go. As we cared for my parents, we also paid rent every month so that we can all live in it comfortably. This house is very expensive to live in -- 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 3 living rooms and a fairly large yard, even if the house was paid off, there's no way we can live here without killing ourselves in the process. I prayed and said to God, "It just seems impossible!"

He said through scripture, "What is impossible rom a human perspective if possible with God." --Luke 18:27

Then He also pointed me to Matthew 26-29: "To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But for those who are unfaithful, even what little they have will be taken away."

Then he turned me over to Ephesians 6:1-3: "Children obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. Honor your father and mother. This is the first of the Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise. If you honor your father and mother, you will live a long life, full of blessing."

This was all during one prayer session. It's as if He is really talking to me! It IS because He is really talking. All I do is pray to Him after giving him a thanksgiving prayer, and then I meditate on the Bible, placing both my hands on the book. That Bible is alive! And when I open it, the first thing that pops up is His answer. You have to have complete faith in order for this to work. This is why I know that I know God is ALIVE, and so is the Bible.

I can go on with more miraculous ways God has spoken to me, but I will leave you with this.. When you are in doubt of God and you need something -- a miracle -- a situation to get better or just God to just show Himself in some way -- HE WILL. When you seek Him with all of your heart, He will answer you. It may not be in the way you expect, so be open and alert. Keep conscious of all things around you, because you might just miss His answer.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes! Feel free to watch Deb's live broadcasts over on Periscope as well!