Tuesday, February 06, 2018

Just Me, God & a Bit of Wine

As I travel through this long road of learning how to deal with my grief, there've been many suggestions and advice given to me, to which I always appreciate. Many share their own heartbreaking stories to relate to me, while others sit and just say nothing. Sometimes, that's just what I need. The one thing I'm not really a fan of is when some people suggest certain medications, like benzos and valium to get over my grief. I have a doctor and he has given me anti-anxiety meds, and is highly against going on something else. I trust him. I don't want to pop a pill each time I shed a tear for Mom. It's healthy to cry. Don't tell me not to cry. And be careful when trying to comfort someone who lost the most important person in their life, like their mother if you didn't lose your own. It can come across as if you were just trying to pacify them. Grief is a tricky thing. It can come and go as fast as it came. The other day on my birthday, I was pretty much okay. I thought I would be a bawling mess of tears. It wasn't until the next day when I had my meltdown.

I'm alone in this. Nobody understands. Nobody seems to care, and if I'm wrong, then let me know. Grief can cloud my judgment, so cut me a break and just either be there or understand my lack of presence anywhere. I try to occupy my time with delving into my work or just reading and studying on things I need to brush up on. I have no desire to sit at a bar, or be around a ton of people right now -- I just want to see the people I love in a safe setting. I joined a church in the next town over and I'm hoping that this'll help me a great deal. So before the pills, the benzos, the valium, the anti-deal-with-your-life drugs, let me try God first. What did people do 50 years ago when someone they loved died? They dealt with it! They cried it out! They wailed and cried and then fell into acceptance. Let me feel this. I need to, otherwise it'll get shoved underneath all the synthetic drugs that are being thrown at me. I don't want that.

My work is important to me, and it's something I love to do thank God. I've been blessed with the ability to work from home and do what I love. I am very grateful. But right now, if you don't hear from me or see me updating my writing page, it just means I'm working and editing behind the scenes. Sometimes writing isn't the avenue to take, especially on certain days. I know that sometimes these articles can be 'doom & gloom' -- but again, my mom died. Cut me a break. I need to vent, cry, yell, scream and sometimes write it all out. I seriously don't know how to live without her yet. I'm trying to get my groove in this life without her, and all I see is her face. If I have a bad moment, forgive me. If I snap at you, please pardon it. I'm not OK...but I WILL be.

For now, I will work on myself. No drugs required. Just me, God, and a bit of wine.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes! Feel free to watch Deb's live broadcasts over on Periscope as well!