Thursday, December 14, 2017

Purposeless


I know, I know... "She had to go." "It was her time." "She's in God's care now." "She was suffering." I lost her long before she died. I had anticipatory grief knowing that her time was almost running out. She even heard me cry a few times. Many times, I told her, "Ma, if you go, I go." I had this feeling that I would just die from a broken heart. I was doing ok for a while, living my life, working, cooking, doing everyday errands, etc., until recently. I found myself in a huge puddle of my own tears. In fact, I ran out of tissues and the only box of tissues left was in her bedroom near her pillow. She would cry herself to sleep sometimes because she was so scared that she was given an expiration date. I brought the tissues with me and cried my eyes out. I cried out, "How do I live without you?" She was the only person I spoke to about things I would never with someone else. She would give me her opinions and suggestions, even if they were ridiculously insulting -- we would both laugh and then say, "Yeah, that was a pretty stupid idea!"

I don't talk much about her anymore. It obviously makes people uncomfortable. If I tell a story about Mom, pertaining to whatever subject we're on -- I get the "eye rolls." I always have this urge to say, "Well, once you lose your mom, let me see you refrain from talking about her." It's usually people who have never lost a mother, that kind of give you that, 'get over it' look. I notice it right away. So now, I keep it in. I keep it in until I am alone and grabbing Mom's box of tissues, that are soon to run out. As I cried myself to sleep, I dreamt of my mother. She looked like she was in her 40's and she appeared so happy. She told me, "You have so many angels, Deb! People up here just love you," and then she began to tell me who was there. Sadly, all the people up in heaven that I know are the ones I want to be with. I wish I could've jumped into that world, but it's just not my time yet. Then my mom said, "You have to stay, Debs...You make the house happy and you keep things funny. You're needed." Then later in the day, Madelene thanked me for dinner, and then she said, "Deb, you're so funny! You keep the house so funny!" And that to me, was confirmation.

For some reason, I just feel as though my purpose is over. I know it may be the grief or the tapering off from these God forsaken Prednisones, but my heart feels like my time is up, my purpose has been fulfilled. I feel like I'm ready to throw in the towel and go back home. But I'm still here and I don't know why. My parents were my family. Then Dad died. And what was left was my amazing mother who I loved more than my life. She was my family. And then she went home. Nobody will ever love me the way my mother did. I just don't want to face Christmas without her, New Years, my birthday, Easter...

Mom was the glue that kept our family together. And now, it feels like I lost my entire family. We rarely contact one another. It's okay though, we all have things in our lives that make us 'busy' -- and I totally get that.

My heart hurts. I don't want to write anymore, I don't want to edit anymore, I am not interested in live streaming anymore. Everything I typically do on a daily basis has been set on a very low priority, which means that I'm not making much money. I don't even care.

I know this isn't a happy happy joy joy post, but sometimes you need to see the many facets of someone's personality and feelings. I've been physically sick since Oct 1st and really not getting over it as fast as I would like. I still pray and trust God. I try to pray and meditate every single day, but for some reason, it's been a real challenge lately because I can't hear God. I can't hear the messages. I usually get some sort of message from God. Nothing. Maybe my heavy spirit is just deaf.

I don't see a silver lining. I see darkness and I can't shake it off.  I just want to be with my mom and all of the wonderful people who have left us here. But God keeps telling me to stay. But why?

Bear with me.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes! Feel free to watch Deb's live broadcasts over on Periscope as well!