Honestly, I never really knew how to shut my mind off completely. I practice meditation, I try to avoid stressful and unnecessary events that seem to creep up in my life as best I can. But something happened last week. The days before my vacation, I was dealing with massive heart palpitations and chest pain. I was sent up to the ER twice for these. All tests concluded that my heart was fine. I even saw a cardiologist. All is well. As soon as I stepped onto the beautiful property that we rented out right on the ocean, something strange happened. My entire mind shut off. I wasn't thinking about my work, about any stressful situations that were occurring or unnecessary arguments that had taken place weeks prior. It also felt as though my health improved as well. I didn't even obsessively think about my mom's cancer and what could happen. Mom was with us. We had a family vacation. Mom didn't even think about her condition, although she was in pain from time to time, but it wasn't as bad as being stuck at home. Her spirits were lifted. Something changed in her as well. There was no discussions about medical procedures or plans about 'what's to be done' about a condition that doctors can't even help with. It was just conversations about how great our life was and is, and how much we loved to spend time with the family. We had long talks about her past, her childhood, and her favorite moments while raising her four girls. I basically forced my mother to come with us on the family getaway. She reluctantly went, and then after a day or so, she never wanted to leave the place. It was that magical.
But the magic ended once I stepped foot inside my home. It was almost as if all of the thoughts that I had left behind when I went away all came flooding back. Even my aches, pains and sadness seemed to have crept back in. At the beach house, I went to sleep at a decent hour, for eight entire hours! I didn't have those myoclonic seizures as I do at home. I slept so deeply, that I was disoriented when I woke up -- that being a wonderful feeling! And now I'm back home and finding myself slipping off to sleep at 4am again. For me, it's a sign that I need a huge change. I don't even know if moving out would change anything at all. I just feel like I've outgrown this place, this town, this state. My wife seems to agree too. It's time to start looking for our peace, whether it's finding a new home on the ocean or waterfront property, or just doing something entirely different than our usual routine. Something's gotta give. I told her, "I want to see more blue and less green. I don't want a lawn anymore. I just want a driveway and in the backyard, sand or stones leading up to the water or docks." That's my dream come true.
I'll never forget the time we spent a couple of weeks in Montauk, NY. This place is just heaven on earth. When we woke up the morning of our last day there, we became very depressed. We didn't want to leave. In fact, we pulled over as we were driving home. We were only a mile away from our beach house. We stopped at this place called, "Lunch Lobster Roll," which is the place we stop at all the time to grab a bite to eat right before we unpack our luggage at the house. It's like a fish & chips kind of place. While we drove in, we noticed it was getting a little dark out. We sat at a booth and ordered our dinner. We actually spoke about ways we could just stay there -- not even having to come home at all. My wife could easily grab a job doing the same thing, as I can relocate anywhere due to my line of work. We discussed it as if we were ready to turn around and just camp out at some cheap motel in order to gather our thoughts before heading back home. The idea got way too big for us, and reality kicked in. This sea town we loved so much was just way overpriced and unrealistic for us at that time. One small ranch with 2 bedrooms in the Hamptons is like way over a million dollars. So you can only imagine what a house on the beach would cost.
I do believe that anything is possible. I still have hope that one day I will be living in my favorite spot in the world. Somehow, some way, I will do it. An old friend of mine said some encouraging words to me the other day. She said, "Nothing is unreachable." And then she reminded me of how her and her partner finally stayed at the one place they loved so much right on the water. "It's doable," she said. Something happens to me when I'm by the water. Something shakes up my spirit and calms my soul, to where it's no longer a world of stress, chaos, obsessive thoughts and craziness. I know that even though the shore may wash up a lot of happiness for us, it'll also wash away our tears and frustrations, as life as we know it is never perfect. I'd rather live out our imperfect life living on the water. For now, we're taking steps in making our one dream come into fruition.
Nothing is impossible. And if anyone dares to tell you it is, prove them wrong.