Friday, November 06, 2015

Everything is Going to be Alright, Maybe Not Today, But Eventually

They say, they say, they say, that everything has a way of working itself out. I don't know who "they" are, but I guess it's safe to assume that "they're" kinda right. I haven't written in a long time. My mind had no room for passing thoughts, passionate views or even my own opinions about whatever. It was as if my mind turned into this huge blank page. Attempting to write was like trying to write on wax paper with a ballpoint pen. The ink just wouldn't come out. It stayed inside and held its content until it finally exploded. The last time I wrote anything was over a month ago. It was then my doctor had given me the exact date of my partial hysterectomy. Long story short: I suffer from dysmenorrhea -- a debilitating type of menstraul pain that sometimes lasts for over 8 hours at a time. There've been times where I have passed out or vomited from the intensity of the pain. I had to change careers because the typical 9-5er would cringe over taking a day or two off from work every month. I had to work around the calendar if we had to go on trips and vacations. My quality of life suffered a great deal. I had to make a huge decision.

And it was the hardest decision of all.

My heart hurts as I write this. The decision I made takes away my option of having my own biological child -- something my wife and I have always talked about since we've met. I know I'm able to have a child, but I cannot carry for whatever reason. I'll leave it at that. I don't want to go through another round of disappointments. I know adoption is a wonderful option, but the final decision to do this was difficult nonetheless. I always dreamed of looking into my baby's eyes, which were my own, biting their toes and making them giggle. Yes, adoption is wonderful... But there is something to be said about a mother's intuitive, biological connection that's unlike anything else -- the reflection of your own being staring right back at you in need, in love, in sync with your every motherly intention. It's just different.

Many doubted and still doubt my motherhood because I'm the "baby of the family". I remember hearing what my father had to say about me spending my life with another woman.

"Well, at least you know she can't get pregnant." 

I don't think he meant that in a demeaning way -- I think he was just joking of the logistics of it. But many doubt my capability of taking care of another human being for whatever reason. "The baby of the family" is still very much a baby in many people's eyes. I guess that's OK...? At the age of 41, I don't want the risks associated with having a baby after 40 anyway. I also think about what it would be like to send my kid off to college at the age of 60. It would feel weird and I would probably be downright exhausted from it all. I think about this crazy world, school shootings, social media online bullying and the possibility of drugs creeping into our lives. I think about the "what ifs" of any mother's concern. That alone keeps my sanity and decision to go ahead with this hysterectomy. So my tears before and after this surgery will be due to the loss of motherhood, but also tears of happiness for finally gaining quality of life and eliminating this excruciating pain.

Not everyone was meant to have a child. Maybe my mission is to just take care of those I love around me as well as those I don't even know. Maybe my life was destined to do other things and not the conventional (expected) life that people assume I should've lived. Typically I'm full of opinions and strong views about life itself, spirituality or politics, but right now, I'm allowing my mind to be still. I'm just here trying to listen to God. So bear with me as I go through this quiet period in my life. I'm not going to give up writing, but the hiatus that I've been on may continue for some time.

My surgery is scheduled for this Wednesday, November 11th. I would love it if you could send me some prayers and positive energy my way. I'm having a real rough time emotionally and physically.

I'll be back...

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!