Friday, October 17, 2014

True or False? Unless It's Mad, Passionate, Extraordinary Love, It's aWaste of Your Time…

I was up all last night with my little anxiety-induced seizures. I decided to just stay awake and maybe watch TV, but TV meant eventually flipping over to CNN to watch the ebola crisis, so I then decided to read a little. I found an article called, "Why I Hope My Ex Was a Once in a Lifetime Kind of Love".  It's not what you think either -- she isn't a "bitter ex", nor does she want a "better love". In one excerpt, she writes, "I hope I never find someone I love as much as him. I don’t say that because I am a cynic, and I don’t say that because I hope we get back together. I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me. It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I felt incomplete when I wasn’t around him, and when he was near it was like everything was right in the world again. He was my other half, and what I considered the best part of myself. He made me crazy and emotional. It was like our entire time together was a roller coaster of missing him, loving him, hating him, and needing him. And I pray to God I never ever feel that way again."----you gotta read more here!

I get it. There is no contentment -- that comfortableness that you get when you're with someone for years. I don't mean "contentment" in a negative tone either. It's actually beautiful to experience that stage. Contentment does not mean idle or stagnant. It means, you can be yourself without the feeling of being judged or ridiculed. You can still have all the passion of a newlywed, but with that one awesome add-in of feeling comfortable too. Many people don't understand it, especially those who are in a new relationship. In my experience, with heated passion comes heated arguments. When there is a lack of communication because you're so busy trying to impress that new love (even if new means 3 years), you are focused on impressing him or her. I was just talking to a friend about this stage. I said, "Remember make up sex?" She laughed and said, "Well, as we get older----" and I had to stop her, because I still miss it and would welcome it, without the drama that falls behind it. It's not that you're fishing for a fight, but it's that boomerang back into your lover's arms that makes it all worth it. Hell -- even take sex out of the equation -- it still feels good to make up and be in your partner's arms filled with forgiveness and love. Nothing beats it.

Back to the passion. When you find yourself so caught up in a new relationship, where all you can think about is the "completeness" with that person, then you're not really complete yourself. I think a person needs to be "whole" before they even jump into a relationship with another person. You can't be insecure and codependent, although 95% of relationships are like that. I figure, it's like two people living their own lives, but yet sharing with one another when they come back home. But then again, we wanna be "one" with our partner. (It says so in the bible. Does anyone go by the bible anymore?) Hmm. But think about it: to become one with your spouse and to live a life meshed into two personalities. So when you have a disagreement, you're having a disagreement…with yourself? And do you see where the drama comes in? My point is: a couple should be two separate people, perhaps even separate interests who come back to the home front sharing their experiences and passions in life. Confidence is much more attractive than an insecure and controlling person.

Trekking back to the article though. What this woman had with her boyfriend (in my opinion) was a super charged sexual relationship. I'm even going to venture to say that they started on the basis of sex alone before even cultivating a friendship. And let me explain my whacky views for a moment… Let's take a left field scenario and say you've been with the same person for ten years now. Things aren't going so well, and somebody else came into your life giving you things that you're partner isn't -- (emotionally speaking) and sometimes bearing gifts in the beginning to lure you in. They seem to compliment you more, gush over you, flirt, flatter, fall in love…get me? They are boosting up your ego, whereas at home, it got somewhat too comfortable. You've heard your spouse call you pretty or handsome years ago, but not recently. All the roses, the wine, the dinners, the excitement! And this new person -- wow -- you didn't think you still had it. And so it begins. Once you flatter the ego, the passion falls behind it. But what happens when you're in a full fledged affair with someone who is charming the pants off you…literally? It can become an addiction because your needs aren't being met at home. There needs to be a balance of passion and contentment.

I had to use this girl! Ha!
I've also been down that road before and it's lovely for the first few times and all. But believe me, once that first fight kicks in, you will not only see the true colors of this maddening affair, but you will also see how good it is to have "contentment" in your life with someone you trust. And being in a 20 year (on and off) relationship myself, there are times when I look into someone's else's eyes, and when they totally "get me" -- I'm like, "Am I with the wrong person?" I'm sure my partner has the same experiences. There are circumstances where I want to call it "pseudo attraction" (that's the only thing I can come up with right now) -- when a person that you think you're attracted to or who you want to be with, is only a person who has recently understood you, listened to you or perhaps even flattered you. Whether or not that person has mutual pseudo or no pseudo feelings for you, it's important to really understand why you are attracted to someone. Make a list. Make sure it's not about your ego trying to feed off of more kindness, or whatever you are lacking otherwise.

I'm gonna get real honest here. I remember years ago when I was attracted to someone -- I mean supercharged attracted. In fact, it was very difficult to look into her eyes because I didn't want her to find out how much I really liked her. My downfall has always been my attraction toward straight older women. Still is, but that's neither here nor there. And that's why my partner is ten years older than me. And so on and so on… Anyway, this woman was a trained charmer. A bartender. (Now my friends are all nodding while reading this.) She had platinum blonde hair, exquisite blue eyes -- where it feels like she's looking right through your soul. She was very tall and had the bust of Anna Nicole Smith. She actually looked like Marilyn Monroe (only while she was working), and then looked a bit toned down during off hours. First sign of her charm factor was that she was from Texas.

"Hiii, sweetie…" she said in her southern accent as she looked straight into my eyes, shaking my hand with a firm grip. That's a huge plus -- eye contact and firm handshake. Back then I was a smoker. As soon as I drew my cigarette out from my pack, her hand extended over the bar with a lighter. After many happy hours spent at her bar, she asked me if I wanted to meet for dinner later with a bunch of her girlfriends. What the hell, right? But this was different. I was devastated learning that she had a girlfriend -- a live-in girlfriend no less! So get this -- I was 19 years old and she was 33. Her live-in partner was 45. We all sat at the same table. Her partner was amazing though. She was a doctor for a nearby hospital and taught me some awesome things that night and believed in strange philosophies. I was awed by her, however not attracted to her. I can see why my bartender crush liked her. But they weren't getting along and she was so much older to begin with (in a 19 year old's eyes). In fact, her girlfriend would call her, "that old broad". And she was the older one!

Long story even longer, I got caught up in an affair with her because she knew how to treat me like a lady -- where the guys I had been dating treated me like crap. Date night was beer, chips and a football game, and "ceiling tile counting". I was so amazed over this "different" kind of relationship or whatever you wanna call it. There was no contentment about it. Like two snakes in the night, she'd call me up and say, "Sweetie, she's gone to do the night shift at the ER." Cue for, "Come over." She'd have a candlelight dinner ready, filet mignons, expensive champagne, caviar and stuffed blue cheese and anchovy green olives with expensive cheeses for appetizers. I was used to burgers and beer. She had a fire going and even set up the outside patio table overlooking the lake her house was set on. It was just amazingly beautiful. So this was just like -- whaaaa?  It blew my mind. I never had a date cook for me before. Of course, her being 33 years old left me speechless after dinner. I forgot what kind of ceiling tiles she had. I'll let you use your imagination for that one. I found myself completely addicted to this rare breed. Or was I addicted to the forbidden? Forbidden love seems to have quite a lure, especially if you're in a relationship or marriage that feels too comfortable. You need that "rush" --- that "fix" like a heroin addict. I quickly found out after a few months that my queen in shining armor was nothing but drug dealing prostitute. I'm putting that mildly too. Her disguise of a charming hard-working and domesticated culinary artist quickly transformed into something I could only imagine or see on TV. HIV and STD test every six months for the next two years.

Experienced received, universe. Thank you.

There is a quote that I absolutely love, but I sort of disagree with the "reality" of it.

“Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.” --Dreams for an Insomniac (One of my favorite movies!)

This movie dealt with a beautiful woman who worked in a cafe who fell head over heels in love with this guy who was in a dead relationship. They spent some "innocent" times together and eventually fell in love. When he said "no" to her advances, because he wanted to remain loyal to his fiancé, that's when she said, "Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them."

But love comes in stages.

  1. New passionate love -- the courting stages
  2. A deeper love, getting to know one another's intimate details emotionally and physically
  3. A safe, content love -- a family type of love

All stages are good. All stages can have passion in them, if they two make the effort. Unfortunately, most relationships and marriages do not make the effort and feel that the passion is useless after they have kids or have been together for 10+ years. And sometimes, in some cases, we're in the wrong relationships or marriages. We went into them with the wrong reasons and intentions. I think it's safe to say that every one of us come to a place where we look into someone else's eyes and. just. wonder. What if? What if I'm with the wrong person? Why was this person put into my life? Or, why hasn't my relationship or marriage improved?  That's when you really need to either work on your relationship or work on resolving the issues and/or, separating for good. We're not getting any younger, but in the same breath, it's never too late to start a new love. Just keep your head on straight and understand the underlining reason of why you want to be with them forever.

Do you think unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love that it's a waste of your time? Would love to hear your thoughts.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!