Friday, October 24, 2014

Mild Dementia

There was a time when I actually used to love life. I looked forward to each and every day, hoping something new would be waiting for me. But as time grew, as well as my age, there seems to be little to no happiness, excitement, fun...or even hope. I used to laugh a lot more and take life less seriously. Time is flying by so quickly too. I think to myself, "Am I gonna be 75 years old sitting out on my deck, regretting all this wasted time in this wasted life?" There are things that I don't quite understand, like those who made you feel special yesterday, would decide to make you feel like you're a nobody today. That sort of thing kinda stabs you in straight in the heart. I've shut down. I have decided to rid of all the toxic people in my life. My nightly seizure activity has increased greatly. I can't even get a phone call back from my doctor to get an MRI. The other day while shopping, I stepped outside of the store with two bags in my hand thinking, "Where am I? Where am I going?" Moments later, an employee tapped my shoulder. "Ma'am, are you ok? Can I help you with something?" I just stared at him thinking, "Who are you?" He said, "Why don't you sit over here," as he guided me to a nearby bench, he then said, "Are you waiting for somebody to pick you up?" And right when he said that, I started to remember everything. "Oh, I'm so sorry -- I wasn't feeling well and I forgot where I had parked my car." He smiled and then left me looking confident that I was alright. But, I wasn't. I walked over to my car, put my bags in the backseat and drove home. As soon as I set everything down on the kitchen counter, I called for Lola so I could take her out for a walk. We walked across the lawn and onto the dirt road leading away from the house. Then I thought, "Where am I" again. I had no memory of this road I was on but somehow, I knew to hold onto Lola on the leash. I walked back down the hill and looked at the house. I wanna say it took me about 2 minutes of a blank stare to finally remember: hey, this is my home.

I don't know what's happening to me. I'm a bit hesitant to drive now, since losing part of my memory. Is it stress? Is it the onset of Alzheimer's? It's a similar feeling like when you fall asleep on the couch or some place you usually don't sleep, and when you wake up, you get that disoriented feeling like, "Huh, what?" I think part of it is, I'm on my 4th night of insomnia, so I am just punch-drunk silly lately. I can't complete sentences without zoning out into space. I'm a walking zombie. I'm scared to even go to sleep, in fear that my seizures will start right back up again. They only happen once I'm trying to fall asleep. My doctors insist that it's anxiety and told me to take 3 mg of ativan before bed. Umm, that's enough to tranquilize a goddamn horse, but okay. It. did. nothing. Then last night, I had a glass of red wine before taking the ativan. It. did. nothing. I mean, my liver must be bigger than Texas if nothing can get me to sleep.

I have a lot of things on my plate right now that aren't even getting done as fast as I would like. My book is almost halfway finished, with a lot of editing ahead. If I get enough sleep, I can manage to focus on one thing at a time. Please bear with me as my writing is lessening and I'm just trying to push through each passing day. I don't like to burden others with my ailments and whatnot, and sometimes, there are a few people who believe that "it's all in my head". For those who believe that, I can only wish you were a fly on the wall when I'm trying to get some sleep. The seizures are unreal. I used to wake up with Madelene every morning, make coffee and breakfast and start off our day on a good foot. Now? I fall asleep at 6am and get up at 7am just to go back to bed for another hour and then start my day. I'm a mess right now. But, I will continue to push forward. I just need some prayers and some positive energy sent my way please.

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