Friday, June 27, 2014

I'm Running on Empty

This is not my typical blog post you're used to reading. I'm basically just jotting down how I feel and what's been brewing inside my lil' ol' noggin. I've been thinking and thinking and thinking…and it's time to turn the 'thinking mode' off. I want to be free and not have to worry about anyone right now. I want to enjoy life with whomever I want - not whoever is here. I want to be around sincere people who don't criticize or judge the way I live. I want to be around those who are truly positive about life - people who will uplift me and not tear me down…or apart. So bear with me as I vent it all out today. 

Breathe…

Clearing your mind and heart and gaining some sort of perspective on life is truly one of the most important things everyone should do from time to time. Who's important? Who's important enough for your time? Choose your friends (and perhaps family members) wisely, because time is the key factor in whether or not you've lived well. Don't do things just because you feel bad. Some things are just not your responsibility. Yes, we have obligations and loved ones to take care of, but when does it come to the point where once you need something - those people you help and give all your time to are never there to assist? And once you stop doing all the things you do - people will take notice. Once you're absent from the usual ebb and flow of the good and bad adventures of everyday life - you will be looked for. And if you're not, you were never appreciated to begin with. It's almost like that saying, you don't know what you got until you lose it. When you use people or 'lift them up' just to get something from or out of them, it'll usually backfire. Insincerity always rears its ugly head. It just can't hide.

So I thought about it all and decided to remove myself from certain equations. I have no obligation to make other people happy - the ones who expect it 24/7. I am only responsibly for my own happiness, and by giving myself a dose of happiness, I'll be able to afford giving others some happiness as well. If you love or happy tank is on "E" - then there is nothing to give to anybody else. Once you suck the life-force out of someone, they'll no longer have anymore resources to give. I truly believe this is why I have been having so many panic attacks and sleeping problems. I feel obligated all the time and pretty much used.  And that's pretty draining. You either do things with a sincere heart or go home. Nobody wants things done grudgingly. At this point, I'm afraid I'm doing everything grudgingly, because my tank is empty.

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