Thursday, May 29, 2014
Leave Nothing Unsaid
Two things I'm not afraid of doing:
Saying, "I'm sorry."
Saying, "I forgive you."
I stopped in my tracks, looked at him, remembering who came home right before me. It wasn't me.
For the first time in my life, I spoke back to him…actually yelled back.
"I locked the fuckin' door when I left! You're just paranoid, Dad!"
And although it wasn't a 'vicious' attack on him, it was just the fact that I stood my ground, and yes, I cursed right back at him. Well, he got up from his chair as though he was going to run after me, like he used to when I was a kid just to scare the crap out of me (and wow it still worked) --- so I ran out from the back door. Meanwhile, Madelene made a human barge between the doorway and my Dad so I could get the hell out of there.
He turned around and said, "I made-ja' favorite dinner -- pot roast."
I hate pot roast.
However, I was just so incredibly happy that he said "sorry" without saying "sorry". His actions spoke louder than his words. I gave him a huge hug and a kiss and said, "I'm sorry, Dad. I love you." Even though I thought he was completely over-the-top insane for what he did - it didn't matter who said "I'm sorry" - it more about acknowledging how stupid the whole thing was and connecting again.
I ate that pot roast like it was my last meal. And just for the record, it was damn good.
Fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of lowering the "tough guy" status. Fear of looking weak. My dad was the strongest and toughest man I ever met. Now I know it was all a facade and that he was just this little boy trying to puff out his feathers just to show he was gonna protect his family if and when need be. He did a great job, but we wouldn't have loved him any less if he showed his true colors that he stifled for all those years.
So my point of this long post about my father is, I don't want to ever hold back from apologizing for my wrongs, or forgiving someone when I should. I never want to miss the chance of telling someone, "I love you" when it's bursting out of my heart. I never want to fear expressing myself, even if people judge me up and down, this is who I am. I'm not tough, but I'm strong enough to know that keeping all those wonderful sentiments inside will make me regret it one day.
If you can't say it with words, say it with your heart by your actions. Show someone you love and appreciate them. Be sincere. And if you can't 'talk the talk', then walk the walk and make sure that you let every single person in your life know that they're a treasure, because one day, they may not be there for you to show them. Even if you don't have a close, warm connection with whomever it is in you life, say a best friend or family member, try chipping some of that ego away and let them see how your truly feel about them. It can only enhance your relationship and make you that much closer. Even though I learned this late in life, I'm glad I left nothing unsaid.
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