Monday, September 01, 2014

But Isn't That What Marriage is Supposed to Be?

In a recent conversation I had, the person looked at me in amazement and said, "Wow, it must be so cool to live with another woman!" Although it wasn't an insult, I sort of felt the need to poke her ribs a little. I asked her why she felt that way since I view it as any other marriage. She said, "It's great, because it's like having your best friend be your spouse."
"But isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?"
"I mean, it must be really cool to share everything with your wife."
"But isn't that what marriage is supposed to be?
"You know what I mean, girls communicate more and do things together more."

If you're straight and reading this and thinking, "Yeah, she's right," I have to beg you to reevaluate your own marriage. Marriage is supposed to be two people, two best friends, two lovers, two people who are able to communicate with one another and share everything together and plenty of heated arguments. (Had to add that one in there.)  By no means do I have the perfect marriage, but I honestly feel that if you can't be your spouse's best friend as a foundation of your relationship, then your entire 'structure' will eventually crumble. I realize I could have avoided the obvious ignorance, or maybe I should say, the lack of understanding for all couples who are married, but I couldn't help it. I am so tired of hearing, "Oh that's so cool you're with a woman," because I rarely go around saying, "Wow, it must be super cool to be with a man!" (I think men are great, mind you.) But can you imagine me saying, "Must be cool to see him chop wood outside and plow your own driveway without calling someone. It must be so cool to have him build an extension onto your home without the help of carpenters." You get it. And of course, some men don't do these things. And in the same respect, some women don't communicate or share everything. Marriage is the same for both sexes.

Or is it? 

Many people feel that marriage should only be between a man and a woman and that it ruins the sanctity of marriage. I think the sanctity of marriage was ruined way before gays and lesbians. I have heard the most ignorant remarks about why gays and lesbians shouldn't get married and it led me to believe that there are a lot of people out there that need a little more schooling if possible. One reason was, "Well, we were here to procreate and that's not possible with dem' gays." Procreation has nothing to do with marriage. There are ways of making a family, through artificial insemination or better yet, adoption. Another reason was, "Well, a child needs both a male and female role model."
This basically tells me that all of those hard working single parents are ruining the concept of a "traditional life". What about heterosexuals who cannot reproduce? If marriage is about procreation, then what happens to those people who can't have a baby? Do they have to get a divorce before they ruin traditional marriage?

I'll never forget another sad moment I had with experiencing small-minded people who were so sheltered from the outside world that they didn't even realize that it was finally legal here in New York for gays and lesbians to be able to marry. My wife and I were going to another couple's house for dinner (heterosexual couple) and they were having a few friends as well as their parents who were attending. I called my friend up to see if she needed any extra wine or dessert, that sort of thing. She said, "Oh, before I forget, can you refrain from saying that you and Madelene are married or, even a couple for that matter? My parents don't understand it and are against that sort of thing because their religious views are very different from ours." I suggested that maybe we shouldn't go. I also reminded her that Madelene and I aren't the sort of people who scream, "We're here & queer" while walking into a dinner party. She understood and knew that we were very conservative in public -- not "in the closet", but not all up in each other's snouts trying to make some political or "equality" point. Although I understood exactly what my friend meant and how she truly felt, I was still slightly taken back and offended, yet expected it in some strange way.

This morning when I logged onto Facebook while having my coffee, Ryan Nickulas had posted an article from Raannt that truly touched my heart. It was about Indiana's gay marriage ban. Peter Ronn wrote this beautiful piece about his own marriage. Part of it reads: "And the really sad part is that all I want to do, is protect the person I love the most. After all, isn’t that what love is all about? I just want to grow old with the person I love and know that we can protect each other and our home for the rest of our lives. But apparently, that’s terrifying to some of these people."

He also explains his daily life with his husband, which is no different from any other heterosexual husband and wife I know.

He writes, "Before starting, let me explain a typical day in my life. My husband Alex wakes up and takes the dogs out before leaving for work. He always wakes me up and kisses me goodbye. This is something we started long ago, always kissing as we say goodbye, because we never know if it will be the last time we see each other. We don’t have the same luxuries as some couples. He goes to work and I usually go back to sleep for a few hours. I get up, clean the kitchen and get ready for work. Alex and I run a business together, outside of our “normal” jobs, so by the time I wake up, he has usually already emailed me or texted me several tasks needing completion. After doing these things, I leave for work, always stopping by Starbucks on the way. The barista I usually see at Starbucks typically asks me 'how are you guys'. I go to work and meet with my clients. In discussing relationship problems, I share similar issues Alex and I have had and how we have worked through these relationship issues. None of my clients have any difficulty comparing their heterosexual marriages to the same details of my marriage. It is all the same." ---read more here.

On a personal note, I remember years ago my father stopped me in my tracks and said something so beautifully in his botched up Brooklynite accent. He held up his hand and said, "Yanno' sumptin', Deb? You n' Madelene have it made. You do! Youz' two do everyting' tugetha'! You both help one anutha' all da' time. It's like an old fashioned marriage. Nowadays, couples do everyting' apart and wonder why their marriages go to shit. You two are sumptin' boy!" Then he paused for a moment and let out his wiseass comment of, "But I still think yer' fuggin' crazy kid," as he laughed and gave me the "go away" hand motion.

(Mad's gonna kill me for posting this one!) 
Without even acknowledging people who ask, "Well who's the man and who's the woman in the relationship" --- our relationship definitely has certain 'male' and 'female' dynamics generally speaking. I guess you can say Madelene has her share of "manly" duties, like lifting heavy things and fixing things around the house. (See photo on left.) While Madelene works outside of our home in sales, I work from my home office doing freelance work. I have more time to do things around the house, like clean, do laundry, cook and do the grocery shopping. I don't mind it --- I love our arrangement. As soon as we wake up, Madelene walks our chihuahua outside while I make breakfast and coffee. We always have our breakfast every single morning so we can talk and connect before she leaves for her 8-12 shift. When she comes home, I make sure she has a drink waiting while dinner's brewing. After dinner usually on a week night, we'll watch our favorite shows together, hop onto our iPhones and social media and go to bed at a reasonable time. We spend time with family, go to our friends' house together on weekends or have dinner parties at our place. We also do things separate from one another, such as hobbies and things of interest. On our days off, we love to go to the dog park and local farms to get fresh produce. We can talk for hours upon hours because we have the same spiritual faith and love for God. If this offends anyone or if you think our relationship may ruin the sanctity of marriage, then I beg you to look at other heterosexual marriages…


  • Marriages that have infidelity.
  • Marriages that are abusive.
  • Marriages that divorce within a year.
  • Marriages that demonstrate hate to their children.
  • People who have more than 5 divorces under their belt. 


Judge them. Otherwise, stop trying to justify your bigoted views on people who just want to marry the person they love.  And that's all we're trying to do -- to love one another. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be? (And I didn't even get into religion on this one.)

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook and Twitter. Check out her cooking blog for some of her famous recipes!