Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Consequences of an Oversized Ego

It takes time to heal a wound once it's been freshly cut open. You tried to use bandaids and anything that'll hold it together so it doesn't bleed again. The other day, I sliced my pointer finger on a can of dog food while trying to feed Lola. It's hard to do a lot of things - even typing is challenging. I'm using different fingers. Last night while making a drink, I grabbed an ice cube that had a jagged edge, and it ripped open my cut once again. But isn't that how life is with being hurt? You try using bandaids (i.e.: alcohol, rebound loves, ignoring the offender or doing something to spite them -- whatever the relationship was). Forgiveness isn't forgiveness until the offense has been forgotten about. I remember I once wrote a post asking if I could forgive yet still remember the offense. "Remember" doesn't have to be like total amnesia -- you can reminisce about it all you want --- I'm talking about the type of mindset where you're like, "Oh wait, what was that fight about again," or "Why was I so hurt over that incident," -- and yes, you can definitely conjure it up, but realistically, you have forgotten about it. That's when you know in your heart, that your bitterness from the fresh wound has healed. You can say you forgive all you want, but can you say you can forget? I just recently came to that conclusion: an offense has left my memory to where I had to sit there and think, "What happened again?" And yes, I did remember it after time, but the point is --- it's been washed away from my heart. It's a scar - a distant memory perhaps, but the healing has taken place and I feel 'wellness' instead of pain, sadness, bitterness and resentment. Those feelings are so challenging to live with because you replay scenarios in your mind over and over again. I also believe that it has to be in your timing --- you can't make it happen just like that. Forgiveness comes with forgetting, and forgetting takes a lot of time. A lot…

Ego: self-esteem or self-image; feelings. We have too many "feelings". Our feelings get hurt. Our egos get crushed and bruised and our bitterness starts to kick in. Bitterness is a result of a large ego. "Well I won't let them hurt me like that again," -- and no, you shouldn't. But when you're confident in a humble way, it's not about getting hurt again, it's about accepting that people are human beings; they're flawed just like anyone with a pulse. When your expectations of people are high, your disappointments will increase. That's just a law. It seems like we all have these inflated egos that make us cringe with every offense. I remember not too long ago, I used to get offended so damn easily. I didn't understand why I let certain people get to me, and sometimes, it was an unintentional offense, something I took way out of context. My ego heard it in the worst way. My ego would translate an innocent comment and turn it into the worst insult I ever heard. That in itself made me an instant 'friend repeller' -- so I kept my distance as well. Why? Because they kept their distance from me. Self-defense mechanism is another form of an inflated ego. There's a huge difference of the fear of getting hurt again and avoiding people due to a large ego. And sometimes, it's hard to decipher which is which. So I decided for myself, I'm leaving my ego at the door and letting people in, whether they have been a result of my wounds or not, because well, that's all forgotten about. No more bandaids. I'm just as vulnerable as the next guy. As a result, I find myself happier because I'm surrounded by such amazing people that didn't get repelled by my oversized ego.

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4 comments:

Katy Anders said...

I have a huge ego.

I also tend to hear inflections in the voices of people I love that send me over the edge in ways that I wouldn't even notice if it was anybody else.

Like "Yes, I know you SAID you'd do it, but the way your voice went up at the end? That meant you didn't want to!"

Fortunately, like you, I have some pretty amazing people around me...

Deb said...

I did the same thing, Katy. The "tone" had everything to do with a genuine intent. Thank God for good people! But I also learned to accept the ones who have irked me in the past. I just deal with it differently and know I have nothing to do with their issues.

Elephant's Child said...

I am reasonable at letting things go. Just the same there are some offences from which there is NO GOING BACK.

Deb said...

True true.. I guess I'm speaking about the ones that are still in our lives, but what's that saying? Holding bitterness and resentment only hurts us and let's the offender rent space in our minds? Letting go is good, as long as you can let go of any anger. It's challenging. I still have issues to work on myself.