Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Grounds for Divorce

My wife and I are very much alike in many ways, but very different in a lot of other areas. We seem to hate purses. Now, the difference here is, I carry a purse, but I tuck it away, leave it in the trunk or I just take it to carry the OCD/neurotic essentials: water, antibacterial gels, an EpiPen, inhalers, Benadryl, aspirin and gum. I guess you can call it my first aid kit. There is no money in my purse. There are no credit cards or anything of value (except for that damn EpiPen) in my purse. If it was stolen, I couldn't give a rat's ass --- it's just 'stuff'. Everything of value is in my inner pockets of whatever I'm wearing. I just refuse to get the crusty ol' man wallet tied up with a rubber band. Her wallet as seen as above used to have so much crap in it --- receipts, business cards, dry cleaner reminders, discount cards, and oh -- a picture of me when I was only 20 years old. Don't ask. It was so packed that it looked like an oversized Italian sub. One time while we were at the checkout, she took it out and all of her 'stuff' fell everywhere -- on the counter, on the floor and even in part of the aisle. I let out a huge sigh. "Fix that." I said under my breath. She finally busted my chops the other day while I was in her office trying to help one of her coworkers out with something. I said, "Can you keep my purse behind your desk for me?"  I wanted it there because I had water and tissues in it. I felt like I was coming down with a cold, so I needed extra 'stuff'. Hours later, I'm rushing out of there because my head was spinning and I couldn't stop sneezing. I hopped in my car, drove over to the Chinese takeout to grab some soup and went home. Minutes later, I realized, "I forgot my damn purse!" Madelene answered the phone snickering at me. "See? This is why I don't carry a 50 lb bag with me!"

TVs in this house are plentiful. We have TVs in rooms that nobody even stays in. The one difficult room is the bedroom. (Don't even go there.) I am going to use "she" in this next sentence… SHE keeps the remote control in the middle of the bed so we can both reach it. I suggested that we each get a remote control for each of our nightstands. "No, why? We just need one." I explained to her that I sometimes roll over the thing, having it stab me in the middle of my back or -- I just can't find it -- period! We shuffle under the covers searching for this lost remote, sometimes not realizing it's on her nightstand. So, I got extra remote controls and she won't program them for me. I am dumber than a box of rocks when it comes to programming crap on remote controls. She's just being difficult now.  Now I have to use my Optimum Online app in order to change channels or lower the volume since she puts it up to 100 because her hearing seems to be going bad.

Question: when you're putting away leftovers in your fridge and they're still in bowls or plates, do you wrap it up with Saran Wrap or tinfoil? Mad only uses Saran wrap. So when I go back into the leftovers for a little something, folding it back is a pain in the ass. It folds up, twists up, crinkles up and turns itself into a sticky game of 'you'll never unravel me again' puzzle. Tinfoil's easy peasy: put on, take off, put on -- voila -- no frustrations. The hardest part about this is, she buys the money saver brand, "Great Value" -- and while I love saving a buck or two or three, there are a few things on the list I will not buy: over-the-counter medications, food of any kind --eh hell, basically everything. Nothing good ever comes out of "Great Value" -- been there, done that, never even got the t-shirt it was that bad.  But I digress, her usage for Saran Wrap is just wrong. Wrap up a half a lime, a half an onion or even a half a tomato. No bowls, plates or pans. Madelene's going to dispute these claims (or back her reasonings up and even complain about my habits), so stay tuned for part II.

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