Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It's Not About You...It's About Them

I stopped caring for quite some time now. It was a conscious choice. It was a decision based upon my own freedom, sense of awareness and a glimpse into spiritual maturity. I prayed for understanding and discernment and the knowledge of other people’s motives or perhaps, why they do what they do and say what they say. I let that all go. It’s out of my control anyway, so why dissect it any further? Many, if not all people have some areas of insecurities in their lives. It’s normal. But what happens when that one area of insecurity becomes a jam session of insulting criticism upon somebody else? For example: one lady has five kids and she’s consulting or, giving her ‘best’ advice to a new mother to be. She automatically (in her mind) becomes “the expert”. And for some, you would think, rightfully so, but some parents, whether they have five or ten kids, aren’t the ‘best’ parents to take advice from. What about the naysayers - the people who discourage you in a big decision? And the thing is, they haven’t had a real “bad” experience, but just the typical woes of anything whether it be opening a restaurant, buying a new house, having kids, --- anything --- they just focus in on all the negatives and possibly poison any hope for the person wanting to try this for the very first time. Are they sincerely concerned? Or is it the fear of the possibility of someone else doing it better? Maybe it’s due to appearing better at something, or better than someone?

I remember years ago, a friend of mine who is very attractive was insulting one of our mutual friends, who is also very beautiful. After a couple of glasses of wine, my friend started bashing her, in every possible way. (Of course she’s all nice to her in person.) She started in on ‘how she looks fake’ and questioning if any ‘work’ had been done, instead of just admiring the beautiful woman she is. I sat there just listening to her and thinking, “Wow, she is really intimidated by her.” Women are jealous creatures (some), and the ones who are can get downright vicious when another attractive female is in the same circle. Friendship shouldn’t be a competition of looks, it should be an unconditional respect and regard for someone you care about. But insecure people will never view it that way. They’ll find a flaw in every. single. person. that they’re friends with. The question is: is this person truly a friend? And will this person ever have a “good friend” by the judgmental remarks that are made on the people who aren’t around to hear it? Once someone starts insulting a mutual friend who is not present to hear it, you have to think what that person says when you’re not around to hear it. I don’t trust those types of people. They scare me. The insults don’t scare me, it’s being hurt by someone who you thought you could trust. Any insult or bashing by a friend or family member is very hurtful - regardless of what the insult is.

Cliques. I remember those when I used to work in this one particular office full of hens. You’re probably nodding your head thinking about your own workplace. They smile and say good morning to you and later during their lunch break, you’re the big topic of the day. I remember getting sucked into a clique and sitting with them during lunch. Everything was fine and we were all getting along, until one girl got up and went back to her office. Right away, as soon as the door closed as the girl walked out, the clique took that opportunity to talk behind her back --- and very viciously too. I was so surprised because everyone was being super nice to her while she was sitting with us. They mocked everything from who she was dating, what she was wearing to how much she has aged over the past two years. I mean-----really? If you listened long enough to all the criticism being tossed around about this girl, wouldn’t you have an inkling that this is going to be “you” tomorrow afternoon during lunch? Again, it’s about the trust factor. And, this girl they were speaking of had it all - a gorgeous boyfriend, a great relationship, beauty and most of all, an awesome personality with a heart of gold. Easy target for these girls who only wished they had a smidgen of her life. They ‘assumed’ the guy must have been cheating because he was “too good looking” for her and all sorts of things that were so over the top, I had to take the chance, pick up the rest of my lunch and go back to my desk. I’m sure I was the next victim, but I didn’t care.

So don’t get offended when someone either tries to discourage a new venture of yours to which they’ve already tried, or if someone mocks you for whatever... Remember it’s out of insecurity and fear of someone else doing it better, or looking better, or just simply over-compensating for something they are lacking in their own lives. When you know the reason under the rough surface, you begin to understand the madness. It’s not about you...it’s about them.

 For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com


A Plain Observer said...

regardless of the reasons, it still hurts though. It hurts when a friend belittles your accomplishments, when you are so eager to meet them and celebrate what you've done and you find a wall of criticism or putdowns. It hurts.

the walking man said...

This is a very sage write up Deb. One of the best parts for me about staring 60 in the face (2 more years) is that I simply do not care anymore. I learned a long long time ago (yes I stole that line from The Beatles) not everyone is going to love me and probably more will dislike me than not.

*shrug* As long as I stand for what I know or believe to be right than nothing can harm me or dissuade me from my own course of my choosing.

You're a pretty smart cookie there buddy...keep on spreading that around will you?

Deb said...

Plain Observer, it used to hurt. I remember even coming to you about 'things said about me' many times, and sometimes crying. I haven't picked those scars though, which made it heal all the more faster. However, those in my life who actually do these things, nitpick on crap or say things behind my back -- any of these social 'dramas' -- I look at the source now and understand why they do what they do instead of developing the "why me" syndrome. It's weird, it doesn't affect me.

The Walking Man, Not sure if I'm wise, (thank you), I've just learned a whole lot within the past couple of years, not only about myself, but about the people who tend to do these types of things. I definitely came to the conclusion that I really don't care because it's coming from a place of insecurities. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with me. I wrote about other circumstances, but in reality, I also reflected it upon my own experiences. Thanks so much, Mark..