Through tweets, song lyrics, and quotes given on every Facebook status message, they say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Does it? Sometimes I wonder if it applies to all people. I think, some people handle stress and grief differently. Perhaps one person dives into a deep depression after something traumatic happens in their lives and the other one pushes through with more strength the next time around. Personality types vary. One of my favorite passages from the Bible is this one: “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” ~(Romans 5:3-5) I’ve heard many people facing an inconceivable situation state “this too shall pass” or some other cliché to either make themselves feel better, or perhaps comfort someone else going through similar trials. And while I know that “time heals” - it definitely doesn’t seem like the truth while you’re going through something so dreadful, like a breakup or even a death. As you know, for me it’s a loved one being terminally ill. Even God seems distant these days, but that’s probably my numbness to everything just to self-preserve. I don’t do stress well ---really, who does? But for me, my ways of showing stress are different. My physical symptoms land me in the hospital at times, and that’s not where I want to be right now. I want to help all I can, but sometimes, I. just. can’t. It’s difficult to even help myself when I reach these levels of anxiety.
My work has been suffering. In fact, my entire family’s work life and home life has been suffering. We’re all trying to do our part and make it easier for one another, but it’s just sort of a surreal time for us right now. All of these difficult choices to make for Dad and of course, facing the inevitable has all of us spinning with pre-grief, anxiety & physical symptoms due to stress. We’ve all been handling it differently. My dad’s coming home tomorrow from the facility where they provide rehabilitation and hospice. Of course he’ll have a prolonged life in the facility with medical attention, however his wish is to come home, which will lessen his days here with us. None of us are ready for this. I’m worried about my mom most of all and how she’s internalizing all of this. She’s been by his side every. single. day. My sisters and I have been driving mom back and forth to the facility where dad is. Sometimes he’s angry, sometimes he’s crying hysterically, and other times, he doesn’t even remember my name. He says things he doesn’t mean because he’s in great pain. I understand it all too well because the nut doesn’t fall too far from the tree if you get my drift. We lash out at the ones we love the most. We just have to take what he says and throw it out the window. He wants to come home. He’s angry he got this awful disease and he wants to live another ten years he said. He feels ripped off. He even blurted out to my mom while I was present, “Yeah she’s distant, always has been.” My mom said, “Who Charl?” He points to me, “Your daughter, that’s who.” ...And it’s the truth. I got the wheel chair out and said, “Get in ya rat bastard.” He started laughing and then hopped in. I took him for the ride of his life through the hallways doing mach 90. It made him laugh at least. When I left, I said, “I love you Dad” and gave him a kiss goodbye. I knew he didn’t mean any ‘bad’ by what he stated. He was telling me what he thought all along. It’s okay.
As of now, my posts may lesson (blog-wise), but I’ll be updating here and there when I can. My other freelance work, editing and promos are important now money-wise, so I’m trying to just focus on that and try to keep it together. I have many people emailing me asking about my dad and how he’s doing. Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers & comforting words during this time. It means everything. Feel free to leave a joke or two in the comment section for a good dose of laughter, which is of course the best medicine.
For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com