Thursday, November 10, 2011

So Tell Me, Who Holds Your Strings?

The one thing (among many things) I don’t understand, is why people try to control the person they’re with. They try to dress them a certain way, act a certain way, dictate their life as well as try to mold them into their own clone. If you met them that way, and you decided to date them, why change them? The worst thing in the world is to feel as though you can’t be yourself, dress the way you want or say what you feel to anyone you’d like. So why be with somebody who makes you feel so imprisoned? I love the fact that my wife allows me to be...’me’. She never tells me “you can’t do or say that” - she has discretion on what’s best for me, but never tries to dull my inspiration or goals. She supports me 100%. She has never tried to change my style, or tell me to wear my hair like ‘this’, or any of those types of suggestions just to please her ego. She doesn’t want control. She wants love. There’s a huge difference between control and love. When you truly love someone for who they are, you love every aspect of them, and if there are imperfections to be found, you love those as well. As a couple, we never put restraints on our personalities. We give one another wings.

I used to be a huge control freak, but more so about my own life. Everything had to be ‘this way’ - and it couldn’t alter. But what I’ve learned over time is: if you try to control everything in your life, it’ll slip right through your fingers. The more you hold onto something or someone, it’ll leave. A dog that’s always on a leash will try to find a way to escape and gallivant around the neighborhood. It only makes sense. I’ll never forget the time Madelene and I were out with another couple. We were having dinner and drinks sitting over at the bar area. The one girl said to her partner as she took her first sip of her wine, “You’re not gonna drink all of that, are you?” Her partner looked scared, pushed the goblet away from her and said, “No, just wanted a sip...” Mad and I noticed this awkward moment right away and we just shot one another a look like, ....really? It was her first glass of wine. So needless to say, she probably took one more sip of her chardonnay before leaving the restaurant, with her partner’s permission of course. We then headed back to my house for coffee and dessert. I put out a pot of coffee on and served a homemade apple pie that I bought from my neighbor who was an excellent baker. I gave everyone a piece and poured the coffee. The controlling girlfriend looked over at her partner and said, “You have a race tomorrow and it’s not a good idea for you to be eating that.” Once again, the partner heeded her words and the fork went down. Who’s in the wrong - the controlling person or the person allowing another person control her?

I can’t stand it when people think they own another person. It’s probably the most annoying characteristic of someone I can think of. It’s almost like, ‘how dare you’ - and yet this controlling person gets to do what he or she wants to. It borderlines enslavement and a sense of power they think they have. People who aren’t comfortable in their own skin will try to tell their partner or spouse what to wear, how to look, what to do and how to act just so they’ll look better. It’s kind of a psychological twisted way of feeling better about themselves - as if another person would make them look any better. It doesn’t make sense, and yet it does. Some people feel that the person they are dating reflects who they are. I see it as, the person you’re with can only compliment or share of who you are -not reflect. But still, that’s a huge blow to someone who has very little self confidence. I’ve also seen overblown egos - conceited to the max type of people who you’d think without a doubt that they loved themselves, when in fact it was a huge facade. They fake being confident in order to hide their insecurities. It’s very common and sometimes, it'll affect their personal relationships. With these types of people, even though they’re quite vain, they reek of insecurity issues. I have a hard time connecting with them on a friendship level. They usually fumble through their love lives because they can’t hold any down for a long period of time. Either ‘this one’ is too needy or ‘that one’ dresses weird - there’s always an excuse. It always falls upon the person they’re dating for that week. Their vanity and insecurity issues which has a fine line, eventually ruins any potential long-term relationship. I know a few friends like this who are well into their late 40’s who are single because of this very reason. And it's not because they're being "picky" - it's all about how that person makes them appear. They want to find love, but so consumed with appearances and the ability to control a person or a situation that it’s nearly impossible to maintain any sort of relationship with them. They even care about how their friends dress or appear, and will go as far as to invite a friend out to a bar just so they have someone to walk in with. After walking through the threshold, that ‘friend’ will leave you stranded trying to talk to the next 1 week love.

In every type of relationship, be it friend, lover, relative, these types of people I have pushed out of my life. I have no room for controlling people who love to think they can actually own someone. They irritate me with all of their self-conscious idiotic behaviors. Maybe that’s a bit judgmental on my part, but I truly believe that if you befriend someone or try to pursue a loving relationship with another person, you should let people be themselves and put away the b.s. egos. It's so transparent. So tell me, who holds your strings?

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

5 comments:

Monkey Man said...

This is a great topic. Mrs. MM probably comes closest to holding the strings, but we also know how to set boundaries.

Just_because_today said...

I think control is an ego booster. It can make one feel really big by controlling others.
I'll welcome some suggestions (don't mess with my wine, though)afterall, maybe I need to stop wearing those 1980 shoes...

CP said...

Okay, seriously? I had this MAJOR long comment here that FREAKING GOOGLE/BLOGGER just snacked on.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW, BLOGSPOT! ARE YOU FULL?? HAVE YOU EATEN EVER MORSEL OF MY WORDS!!! DID MY VALID POINTS TASTE GOOD TO YOU? WAS MY HUMOR DELICIOUS? WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SPOONFUL OF MY INSIGHTFULNESS? IS THAT EVEN A WORD? IT'S NOT??

GOOD!!! I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT!!!

My main point was thus:

Sometimes, it's not always control, but suggestion to the benefit of your partner. Hotband gives me a nice long leash to run with, but he also knows I appreciate when he gives that leash a tug now and then to remind me that I am overstepping the boundaries of rational behavior.


AND I HAD REALLY GOOD EXAMPLES OF THIS TOO, BUT BLOGGER ATE THEM??? ARE YOU FEELING SATISFIED, BLOGGER?? WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO BURP YOU SO PERHAPS YOU REGURGITATE MY EXCELLENT SYNOPSIS OF THIS POST?

i hate you, google. hate.

You stole my thunder.

GOOGLE is controlling me, Deb.

Make him stop.

Xmichra said...

lmao... okay I had a comment but CP's totally erased all thoughts that I had!!! lol... *wipes tear from laughter*.. lol...

Deb said...

MM: Haha! Well, there’s ‘wearing the pants of the two’ and absolutely driving you nuts with the control freakiness my friend. *pokes you* lol

JBT: Totally an ego booster - I agree. I am totally up for suggestions, but when it’s demeaning and made for the other person to look better, my red flag goes up. You wear 1980 shoes?? O.o OK, I’m about to judge you!!! Reebox? Air Jordans? What? xo

CP: Don’t you hate that? But I absolutely love that it happened because you totally vented something fierce on here! haha! xo You’re absolutely right - sometimes, and “sometimes” it’s not about control issues, but a matter of, “I wouldn’t let ya go out in that mess” type of thing. Mad would never let me go out if I had a stain on my shirt, or sometimes, because Madelene is color blind to a certain degree, I’ll tell her that ‘so and so’ doesn’t match. But I would never try to change that Maddy - she’s perfect. I met her that way, and I want her to stay that way... Ugh God I’m getting to be such a mush!!! But you know what I mean: suggestions for the better are good - suggestions to boost an ego is not so good. Love U!

Xmichra: Hahahahahahaha!!!! Isn't she just adorable??