Saturday, November 05, 2011

Breaking Up . . .

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel once you’ve broken up with someone you love? Have you ever sat up in your bed with a million tissues crumpled up all around you, asking the gods, “Why?” You start to realize the entire weekend passed you by and then notice you’re still in the same pajamas you slipped on Friday night after work. You glance over at the phone, stare at it, hoping it’ll ring by some sort of mental telepathy you're throwing at it. It just sits in silence. You check your iPhone, your Blackberry to see if there are any “messages waiting” on any media. ...Nothing. Your heart sinks. Your eyes well up. And there you go again, the 1,285.678.325th crying session so far this weekend. The saddest part about this is, even your friends aren’t calling because they’re just too scared of this sensitive situation. They don’t want to say the wrong thing or slip up and remind you of anything in fear of you losing it in front of them. It’s tricky. The thing is: you need to be consistent in keeping your friends near. Let them know there is nothing to fear if you want them around.

The one thing I absolutely hate, is when people give advice like, “The best revenge is . . .” There’s no revenge. There shouldn't be. There’s only moving on or reconciling, depending on the relationship. So, remove the “best revenge is” to “the best thing to do is occupy my time with positive people/places/things to help with this time of mourning”. And that’s exactly what it is: mourning. A breakup is almost as excruciating as experiencing a death, except in this case, the other person is choosing not to speak with you. It kind of gives it a little evil twist to it if you think about it. Whether they’re choosing not to speak to you due to wanting more time to heal or just trying to avoid another vicious argument, you need to get out of your pajamas, shower up and get the hell out of your house. What about if you lost all your friends because you were so immersed in this intense relationship for somewhat years --- maybe it’s time to make new friends? Join a group - maybe you like art or music or even better, join a gym. You get to meet other people as well as work on your own health, which always moves those endorphins in the right direction.

Pamper yourself. Give yourself a spa session. Get a facial, get your hair and nails done and always, always go out afterwards when you’re looking so fabulous. Get a massage, get a Reiki treatment (that’s my favorite) or simply just relax in your tub with candles and soft music to unwind your tense muscles. Depending on your financial situation, the tub idea is a great and cheap way to release the anxiety if you can’t do the spa treatment. Make a hot cup of herbal tea. Write a journal with all your thoughts - hell - do all of the above if possible! YOU deserve it. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been crying, you’ve been heartbroken to the point of even asking the reason of your existence. A relationship does not define you. It only shares another life to enhance yours, not to “make” yours. Many people seem to think they can’t live without him or her and they would die without them. You won’t. If you keep thinking like that - it’s going to be a very long and miserable life. You can live without them as you did before. When you let someone completely go, two things can happen: 1. They come back into your life or 2. They don’t. I remember in my past breakup I had a hard time letting go. Each unresponsive email or text meant that I was “worthless” and yes, “hated”. That’s what my mind told me. Each email or text that was never returned felt like a stab in the heart. You hope and hope and hope....and then nothing. So through my experience, don’t set yourself up for 'mini heartbreaks' - and that’s what I call them.

The other sad angle of breaking up is the disconnection of two lives that were living as one. Now what’s wrong with that sentence? Think... Your life should be completely separate (even if you live together) so that you are two independent people sharing in one another’s lives. It doesn’t matter if you two are together all the time when you go out, as long as that’s what you both want. It’s nice to have differences so that when you both come home, you have something to talk about, something to share with one another and possibly learn from each other. Have your own circle of friends as well as mutual ones. That's so important. Never live in the shadows of your partner. When they leave, you’ll be burned by the sun and regret not having a life of your own. Don’t “be somebody” just because you want to show your ex you can - be somebody because YOU ARE somebody. Do it for you. Respect yourself. Love yourself. Pamper yourself. Another person will find you just as attractive as your ex found you when you two first met, if you’re worried about never finding love again. On top of that, you’ll be much more appealing if you start doing these things for yourself instead of sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. Always assume it’ll never ring. No expectations = no disappointments. Makes sense, right? Now get out there and live your life!

This post is dedicated to a few close friends of mine who are going through a breakup at the same time. I know a couple of them read my blog faithfully (thank you), so I wanted to put this out there so that it wouldn’t be an awkward conversation since they seem quiet these days. I pray that everyone involved are doing things to make their life wonderful. I do pray that they can reconcile and make sense of all this static. Sometimes a break is what we need in order to go full throttle ahead and make the relationship even better. When Madelene and I separated, we learned to communicate better, no matter how much “TMI” type of subjects came up. Now we’re both comfortable talking about anything. We learned a lot through our breakup. We even learned a lot more about one another. The break saved us. Maybe it’ll do the same for my friends. ...I hope. Also remember, never play games with somebody's heart. So if you're playing the 'no contact' game - while you're ignoring him or her, somebody else may be begging for their attention.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go." ~Author unknown

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

1 comment:

Just_because_today said...

ahhh you had to remind me of what a break up feels like. I remember when I allow myself to remember how devastating it was. I remember how I used to hide in the bathroom at work, my face against the cold wall and weep, weep until I couldn't cry no more, then take a break for a couple of hours and cry again.
One thing I can say about a break is...eventually the hurt is so intense that it ceases to hurt anymore and then we move on.