Monday, March 21, 2011

Make the Connection: Perfection is Overrated

Connecting
Most relationships start off with a simple connection, whether it be something in common or a shared interest. Perhaps the drastic differences brought the level of intrigue higher. Whatever the reason was - the connection was made. It’s up to one or two of the person(s) to “keep” the connection, or simply disconnect altogether. There are some people who meet, connect instantly, and then down the road for various reasons, one tries to change the other. For instance, a friend of mine had mentioned that after she had met her significant other, a few months down the road, she was asked to buy more 'feminine type' of clothing. Being the ‘catering’ type that my friend is, she tried her best to even feel comfortable in more of a unisex style. My question is: if you met her that way, why would you want to change her? If you didn’t like what you saw upon first meeting, then why would you continue to pursue that person? Shallow as that may sound, I also have to ask if the desire to change other people has to do with self-serving, insecure motives to “look better”? Personally, “connecting”, for me has everything to do with depth - their personality - their character. Bonus if they’re a looker - kiss the ground if they can make me laugh.

Disconnecting
We disconnect for many reasons. There are some disconnections I don’t understand. For instance, in some cases, the very thing you loved about that person turned out to be the very thing you now hate about them. You once thought the little snort after his/her laugh was cute, and now, it’s the biggest character flaw you cringe at. We can even get into lifestyle habits and personality quirks that you once loved and thought was adorable, and now, you find it’s somewhat disturbing and unacceptable. Things change. Opinions change. Perceptions change. And yet, the person hasn’t. Maybe it’s the consistency of the relationship and the 'once newness' which has now faded into redundancy that has taken a left hand turn into Boredomville...? People get bored. Marriages are broken up before any effort is made to save it. Relationships are torn apart. Reasonings are getting more and more shallow and “simple”. The word “contentment” is shunned at and seen as “settling for less”, when in fact, in every single friendship, relationship as well as marriage - “contentment” in my world is called true love and acceptance --unconditional love. Everything seems conditional these days. Nobody seems accountable for any of their own actions, except to place all the blame on the other person. When one finger is pointed, three are pointing right back in return - cliche but so true. When you hear the story of a messy breakup between two people separately, they become two separate stories. There's always three sides of the story: the first party's, the second party's...and the truth.

Reconnecting
A couple of my friends are going through messy breakups right now and it had me thinking: have we lost all ability to forgive one another and accept each other ‘as is’? Have we lost the ability to communicate efficiently and come to a common ground, instead of arguing relentlessly over the same thing over and over, until after a while, it becomes a whole new other issue? Soon enough, you’ll forget what even started the argument. Yes, I’ve been there. Even when my wife and I had separated years ago, we acknowledged that we had a communication problem. For whatever reason, we weren’t “open” enough - we were reserved with things that should have been common knowledge. As we developed a foundation of friendship while separated, we reconnected on whole new levels - levels we never even had. I got to know her better and vise/versa. We fell in love, again. We reconnected for good and kept the lines of communication open. That has been the most important thing that has kept us together. Even when we do argue, we still have little spats here and there, but more so, we’re now able to sit down and discuss instead of “yell at” and point fingers at one another. We’re able to forgive...and most importantly, to forget. I say “forget” as in, ‘water under the bridge’, but to remember and learn from it. No grudges are allowed. No anger is to be stored and saved for a rainy day. Cliche as it is - never go to bed mad. Sleep better. Reconnect. Forgive. Forget. Learn. Experience the humanness in every single person you meet. Make the connection. Perfection is overrated.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com

3 comments:

Xmichra said...

Connecting - I agree with you to a point. Sometimes it is about confidence building though, and trying to let the person you love and know be themselves. But it's a matter of perspective, and of what you really are looking to do.
as example, a few years ago Mark encouraged me to wear a dress. Not because he doesn't think I should wear pants..lol.. but because he knew that I was having difficulty with my 'mom' attire and not feeling attractive. it was a suggestion (which i ignored and bought something else haha) but it came from the right place.

Disconnect - again, agree to a point. Mark and I have been through a lot so I see what you mean. i think it's sometimes hard to see the connection when people grow and change all the time, and that isn't acknowledged. 15 years ago I was a different person than I am now, and have different tastes in things (including people).

Reconnect - totally depends on the sittuation. if it is communication, I think it's something that can be worked on. Infidelity to me is a deal breaker. I know many who have reconciled after an afair, and they never thought they would... so maybe that could change with me. But I seriously doubt it.

Enjoyed this read though, and I hope that the people who inspired this post can clear up the missunderstandings :)

Just_because_today said...

A very complex and interesting subject that would need zillions of posts for us to begin to understand relationships.

When true honest relationships are formed, they are lasting. The core of the person is what we like, fall in love with. We might dislike the little things (imagine me and my petpeeves!), but overall the whole picture is what we love.
If the person is attracted to another for the wrong reasons, ie. because they are popular and it would be so good to be their friend, or she is the most beautiful woman and the guy wants her, then it will be short lived.

I have reconnected many times very successfully, but those have been clean relationships were there were no deep layers of hurt.

the walking man said...

Somethings on a human level between humans are simply not forgivable, I can forgive the person but will ever regard the actions as betrayals and think no more on that person, They become as if they are in the grave to me. Lie to my face, steal from me when you know all you need do is ask, and break a confidence and you are a page of history, nothing more.