Thursday, April 01, 2010

"You Think Too Much"

Have you ever had “moments” where you just take a few steps back from emotionally healing through whatever, and it hits you like a ton of bricks as if you’re at day one? You can go weeks, months without thinking about anything, but just one incident or something that reminds you of your past just springs right back up to haunt you. A good friend of mine goes through the same thing, in fact, we’re so alike in this regard that we usually go through it at the same time. I’ll receive a text asking, “You ok?” She knows. I’m not sure if it’s because of my melancholy state or just an intuition, but it seems as though whenever she goes through it, I do too and vise/versa. What makes our minds take three steps back when they were five steps forward? Is it simply because we feel too much? Do we think too much? Or does everyone maintain this 'keep moving forward don’t look back' type of thinking? Whether it’s due to a breakup, end of a friendship or a death of a loved one, does your heart and your mind truly heal after time, or is it a matter of training your mind to think “this way”, like exercising a muscle? What if you don’t “exercise that muscle”, does it go back to step one---heartbreak?

My buddy is on lent and has given up her wine. She’s a runner, so her outlet is fantastic. While she went on a run, I dowsed myself with a martini straight up. We usually drink together. I haven’t been feeling myself lately and I just want to come home, relax, unwind with my favorite treat (in moderation), and “not think”--if possible. Through my smiles and laughter, I have had this incredible lump in my throat for the past couple of days. Madelene calls it, “a taco in your throat” -when you just feel like you’re just gonna lose it and start bawling. I’m not even PMSing. I think I’m just wired differently than other people, making me much more vulnerable to having the past kick me right in the ass sometimes. I still hurt. I still feel the pain after years of recovering. It’s like I’m faulty or something and in need of an emotional tune up.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a few friends over for Mad’s birthday. One of my friends said to me, “Well, you live inside your head a lot”, after I had explained that I don’t necessarily ‘talk’ exactly the way I write----meaning that sometimes I’ll use different words in text, rather than verbally. I don’t know why I do ---it just sounds better on ‘paper’ than it does through my mouth. But, getting back to, “living inside my head a lot”---I began to wonder if that was a bad thing. Maybe I think too much. Or maybe in my mind, I live in the past, but I don’t necessarily want the past to live in the present.

It’s confusing.
Maybe I’m still hurt, maybe the lack of closure leaves everything so wide open.
Maybe I’ll think about it a little more...