Monday, March 01, 2010

Make Believe

There’s no doubt that life gets boring. There are so many things people do to entertain themselves, whether in a constructive or a destructive way. It depends on the personality type. Your life could be filled with work-related stuff, kids, school, errands, etc., but when you come home to rest, sometimes it feels like, “Is this it?”  Perhaps you see your friends traveling to far off places, vacationing with their loved ones perhaps twice a year and think: when do I get my break? Maybe you have absolutely no time to do anything but cater to other people. Regardless: life can seem redundant. We all get into ruts and try to put on a “happy face” and say “yes I am very happy with my life”.  And that may be so - in the bigger scope of things, but truly: are you happy? There are adrenaline junkies who get high off of the mere thought of doing something a bit risque and end up being miserable once their fifteen minutes of their adventure has finally fizzled out. It’s lacking “constant joy”. Let’s face it, most of us are miserable fecks. We bitch, whine and moan about this, that and the other thing and yet, most of us never sit down and look at all the blessings around us. And especially after a breakup or a family feud of sorts ---we all have our ways of “coping”.

I remember a bit over two years ago “coping” with my loss of a friendship that went downhill. I think I went into complete shock. I felt numb and the only thing that made me feel somewhat alive was drinking my way out of numbness into a complete coma. After realizing my patterns and most of all, what triggered my patterns, I took my ass straight into AA to clean up. I was sober for four months and let me tell ya, I think it was the best I thing I have ever done. I now stick to moderate drinking (a wine with dinner or social drinking) and my health has been on the upside thankfully. But, I remember back then I just couldn’t think of anything else to heal me other than making a martini when I got home. I’m ridden with obsessive thought patterns. I’m a “thinker” unfortunately which sometimes gets me into heaps of trouble. I have never socially worked on a “normal” mindset. (I know a few of my friends will chuckle at that...) My brain functions a different way and when I wanted to stay out of trouble, I would hide and drink my problems away...for the meantime. But what happens when we hide from our problems? We give our problems power. The fear alone gives whoever and whatever power over us. I’ve been working so hard on getting over all of my phobias and fears, which had so much power over me. I stomped most of it out, but some of it is still lurking. We all have our vices, whether we drink too much, overeat, smoke, do drugs or even obsessively work out. Everything in moderation, right? But we. just. can’t. stop.

Consequently, I found myself creating the same patterns as once before not too long ago. Luckily I caught it on time, but I was seriously thinking that I was sinking back into the same hole. And--- what’s doing something over and over again and expecting different results? It’s the definition of insanity, by Einstein. I’m still trying to cope in different ways but there is always that small inner voice that calls me back to the old routine of “healing myself”. There are so many ways people try to fix whatever is lacking in their lives, like having an affair, drinking too much, doing things that are very destructive to themselves, as well as destroying their home lives in the process. Sometimes, when I look back at my problems, I always had wished that there were people who had taken notice to my downward spiral and would have planned some sort of intervention for me. But let’s face it, people mind their own business and that’s fine. Some are scared that there will be some sort of backlash in the process of the intervention, which is understandable. People in complete denial will absolutely go insane if they find out there’s a surprise party full of people who are “judging” them, as they would see it. When does it become a problem? When is it finally time to say, “Geez, I need help...?” I had to make that choice for myself. I had to choose whether or not I wanted to live or die. But some people don’t get that chance. They keep destroying themselves, hoping that someone will eventually notice. Whether their loved ones either don’t seem to notice, or they’re too scared, eventually, they’re going to end up in a worse situation than what they’re seeing now.

Thing is: there are so many people trying to convince the world that they’re completely happy, when in fact, they’re sad and scared. We all have our highs and lows, but when do you know it’s time to ask for help? Or when does somebody realize that there is a bigger issue than what they’re presenting? You can fake it till you make it, but when you’re home facing your problems, what then? When I was in this predicament, and felt very depressed and turned to alcohol, I decided to write all the things I was grateful for. I jotted down all my blessings and things that truly made me smile. Surprisingly, there were many! I couldn’t believe it. How can I be this miserable with all of these things in my life? But, a person can’t control their level of happiness or sadness sometimes. I don’t believe it’s a choice either. Someone once said, “You choose to be happy”. No, in my opinion, once again, that’s the whole 'fake it till you make it' attitude. That’s the same type of personality that these happy-go-lucky life coaches have - much that you would see in someone in a cold call sales position. All smiles and motivational blabber being spewed out into thin air...until they have a nervous breakdown. I’ve seen that happen a few times.

We may not control how we feel, but maybe we can control the way we react to certain things. I’m working on that one myself. I’m a ‘work in progress’, but with more gratitude for the positive things I’m consciously noticing in my life, the less havoc my mind wreaks on trying to “cope” with things in destructive ways. Life’s too short to pretend to be happy. The "make believe" game gets so old.

Dream it.
See it.
Live it.

4 comments:

Sir Thomas AKA (Winters Reaper) said...

Wow..

so true perfect insight....

and its a ever changing landscape, sometimes its all to hard to deal with

Peta Joy said...

Just so you know, all of us are a "work in progress" whether it's admitted or not. So don't feel that you are every alone. Besides, you got me.

the walking man said...

One day not to long ago I woke up and said to me "enough the shaping and now is the moment for living."

Am I ever content? No. Is that good? Yes. Am I "happy?" Why yes I have acquired that tendency. Does my happiness preclude every other thing I can feel? Why no, that would make me unhappy.

Live the moment and allow the heart to feel what the heart feels in that moment, there is another coming soon enough.

paz13 said...

Deb: I think you said it best when you said we all have our highs and lows. Life isn't perfect, but it's what we have and we should try to get the most enjoyment out of it that we can. Enjoyed this post.

Kevin