Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Let It Go . . .

There comes a time in our lives when we truly have to take a little bitterness overload inventory check and realize that all of these emotions are just plain useless. Just to be more clear and not so full of ‘deep hidden messages’, a close friend of mine is going ---wait---- has been through a breakup. Haven’t we all? The thing is, this breakup occurred two whole years ago. She is still going through it ---by herself. And what I mean by that is, she continually speaks badly about this person as though he was still in her life. He’s gone. He has not been in her life for two. whole. years. I listen and I try to help the best I can, but why waste all of your energy referring to him anytime a negative topic comes up? Immediately she throws his name right into the mix. Why?

Let it go.

Those words, “let it go” is so easy for so many people to say to someone, isn’t it? We mourn for too long. We let our emotions linger endlessly for the average heart, which leaves us bitter and developing unhealthy relationships thereafter. The faults of the ex become the pseudo faults of the new person in your life. The more you talk about the “evil ex”, the more you’re going to have those feelings, whether they are loving ones incognito with bitter words, or feelings of complete hatred, which to me, is a sign of jadedness. When someone who has loved you with all of their heart says that they now hate you, it’s usually quite the opposite.  It's repressed due to anger.  There’s a fine line between love and hate. I do believe this is true.

Whenever my friend hears of any talk, even negative talk from her ex about her through the grapevine - in her mind, any talk is good talk. Meaning: she doesn’t care if he’s talking good or bad about her - she is still on his mind. And she’s absolutely right. The more he goes on and on about her, it shows that she had and still has an affect on him. If he didn’t say one word, she would be lost and miserable. She needs feedback- good or bad. It’s her only way of still remaining in part of his life. It’s all she has to hold onto.

I truly hope that she is reading this right now, as I’ve emailed her about a “special post” I had written. This post isn’t meant to be mean-spirited in any way, because God knows I’ve been through the same thing. It took me well over a year to finally say, “Ok, this is what is, let it go and move on.” I finally did, but it takes a lot of time, and for her, it’s taking a little more time than expected. It depends on the person and two people involved. This doesn’t mean that I never think about my ex from time to time - it’s just a file in the back of my mind that I sometimes entertain, but in very different ways. I don’t sit there and talk negatively about my ex. I sometimes tell my close friends what I had been through and that’s that. It’s over with. There’s no, “Oh she’s just an evil bitch”----it’s a simple, “Yes, I have dated her for a little while and things didn’t work out”, with a few added details of course. But, most of the time I hardly think about it anymore or even talk about it. There’s a sense of peace that goes into it and I’m sure my friend will finally get that once she stops all the yip-yappin’. The less talk, the less thought, and of course, out of sight usually goes hand-in-hand with out of mind.

Many people say that if you were with someone for two years, it’ll take you one year to get over it...four years together, two years to get over it - and so on, and so on. So basically, half your time with the person is the time you will mourn for them. I don’t know if that’s the total be all and end all truth, but through my own experience, I believe it. I’ve always compared breakups with deaths. The bitter part about a breakup is, the other person is out there choosing not to be in your life. In some cases, a breakup is much more hurtful. But remember, it takes two people to ruin a relationship. Every time I hear that there is only one person to blame (unless it was an abusive situation), I tend to say, “Well there’s always two sides to the story.” Nobody’s perfect and especially in relationships, you’re clashing two personalities together. There’s bound to be some conflict somewhere, even if it’s gone unnoticed. I believe if a person truly loves you, they accept all of you, not just what they conjured up in their minds. They love your mind, soul and body, but they also have to love your idiosyncrasies, your stubborn sides and yes, sometimes your mean streaks when we all get cranky from time to time. It’s called being human. If we’re seeking the perfect relationship, we. will. never. find. it. It’s about finding someone we’re compatible with, whom we can accept on every level, except for abuse. We need to love ourselves more, learn from our past mistakes and hopefully move on from hurtful wounds that will eventually be a scar or, ...just a memory of ‘a time when’...

If you find yourself still blaming your ex for ‘this, that and the other thing’, take a little bitterness overload inventory check, and realize one thing: they are no longer in your life.

Let it go . . .

7 comments:

Xmichra said...

I feel badly for your friend because I have one like this as well. It's got so bad that she has totally shut out all socialization, all friend functions, right down to banning x-mas (which she beleived inand celebrated her whole life). She has closed herself off to people so that she doesn't have a chance to get hurt. Its the most tragic thing i have ever witnessed... and i have seen a lot.

Just_because_today said...

Glad I didn't get an email from you phew! (jk).
My motto is never to talk negatively about a past relationship whatever its nature. For the most part, it will come back to haunt you and sooner or later it gets repeated which hurts all. People seek validation by speaking badly about their ex. Getting validated doesn't make the break up any easier.

I love what you say here:

"They love your mind, soul and body, but they also have to love your idiosyncrasies, your stubborn sides and yes, sometimes your mean streaks when we all get cranky from time to time"

Shadow said...

a break-up should be treated like the mourning process. and if all the steps in this process are not taken, one will get stuck... and that hinders one from moving on. i hope your friend will see that moving on and letting go is the best possible solution for HER TO BE HAPPY again in her life.

Deb said...

Xmichra: It feels like you’re talking about my friend as well. Her only outings now are only to work and her mailbox. Hardly ever, does she go out and if she does, she doesn’t enjoy herself - she’d rather stay home on her computer and watch TV.

JBT: (ha) No, you’re still with your hubby darling. (Right?) You’re absolutely right. I just think it’s a waste of time talking trash about the ex, as well as the possibility of your friends thinking or saying, “OK enough is enough - move on woman!” It literally gets tiresome for everybody. The bad talk only makes the one speaking it look bad. And yes, we all have cranky moments... I have many of those. (shush)

Shadow: They say there are stages of a breakup, but if you don’t get past the bitterness, regardless if you have forgiven that person or not, it just takes that much longer in my opinion.

Just_because_today said...

I wont comment on cranky moments...
About the time it takes to get over. I dont agree with the 1/2 equation. I remember while going through a break up, noticing my first weekend "ok". But it would take me a long time to have a whole week without bursting into tears. And even years later, a song, a place, Christmas, brings that sadness back if only for a brief moment. No bitterness, just sadness. Still sadness.

Deb said...

JBT: Well, in my past experience, it did take half the time or a bit above, but that's not to say that the holidays don't come along with haunting thoughts. When Madelene and I had separated, holidays without her were empty ----completely empty. My heart ached every minute that went by. She was the only one that affected my holidays when we were separated so greatly. Other people that I had dated didn't have that affect. I guess it's different and each person processes breakups a little differently than another. I do agree with you that songs do trigger that sadness that's deeply hidden. Some places get to me, but usually, they were places that I had already "claimed" - if that makes sense...

Dominica said...

wish i would have read this yesterday b4 i told my gf i needed "time apart"....
sigh..........