Thursday, September 03, 2009

Passion

Completely and utterly tapped out of anything of importance to say, write or jot down on this blog. As I get older, I find that many things change: body starts to take a whole new form, bigger here, smaller there, bulkier there, with everlasting options of a nip & tuck doctor waiting in the wings. I find that passions for things in life tweak itself somewhat: I used to paint and draw, now I just prefer photography. I use to play guitar for at least 3-5 hours per day, then I found writing. I wrote lyrics and composed songs for hours at a time without realizing how much time had passed by. I used to love to write blogs and articles for the gay and lesbian community, for hours upon hours, until someone had given me deadlines. And now, my current passion is filming and editing videos, however it is seemingly gearing towards the business aspect of it. I’m hoping that my passion for it doesn’t die out just because someone is expecting “good work” out of me. Back in high school I majored in art, because all my life, tons of kids would surround me as I drew all different types of caricatures for them. They’d beg me to do a drawing just for them...and I always did.  When my commercial art teacher begged me to draw exactly what I saw sitting in the middle of the room, I became a novice; an idiot to the one thing in life that had driven me: art.

I’ve invested so much time and energy into all of these passions, to see them eventually morph into something completely different. I still pick up my guitars every once in a while, but the feeling is much different. I no longer get that pure adrenaline rush like I used to. I no longer get goosebumps while playing my favorite song. Ugh, I miss that. I knew that there was always one thing that could calm my soul: my art, my music and my writing. I had many opportunities to kick it up a notch and gear it towards the professional aspect of it, but I was too scared. I was afraid I wasn’t good enough. At one point in my life, an art gallery in Colorado wanted to exhibit my work. They went bankrupt, however I would have probably backed out of it, due to a few comments and “critiques” I had gotten at a art gallery here in New York. I felt like a complete failure. “Gotta have a thick skin”----yeah I know, but it still was a kick in the ass. I looked around the gallery and thought, “My God, this art looks like a three year old did it!” They chose sloppy art and mediocre photography over mine, so instead, I decided to put all of my photography up on my walls in my living room. Maybe for sentimental reasons, I thought they were better than everyone else’s that seemed to dull the gallery’s walls. Or, maybe I’m just bad at it. I don’t care. Each photo I take is something that is special in my heart, so when I look at them, it makes me feel calm. That’s what makes it worth it.

When I film a home video and practice with my editing, it’s my family and friends. I’ll never get sick of filming and taking photographs of the people I love the most. So with this job interview I have to be in video production/editing for a company based in NY, hopefully it won’t jostle my passion for the one thing I have left now.  

Say a prayer for me!