Friday, August 14, 2009

It's Not Me, It's You...

Periodically, I’ll try to look at myself first, as far as my actions and behavior toward people, and see what it was that ‘stirred the pot’ if somehow, drama seeped into the mix. Being that I’m an explosive person; a reactive creature to conflicts, I’ll be the first one to admit, “Hey, it was me, I’m sorry”, but lately, it hasn’t been the case. I’ve been getting involved in these mini-dramas that produce way too much for what it’s worth.

Within our circle of friends, (as well as outside of our circle), we have a couple of women who somehow have forgotten that we’re a married couple. By nature, I’m a very sarcastic sonovabitch, and at times, flirtatious. Everything is in jest and hopefully taken ‘the right way’. As much as I dislike on and off relationships, having been through them enough, I also try to avoid on and off friendships. They seem to have a substance that I can’t quite put my finger on, but yet, have an inkling of what causes the reasons for its madness. I try not to think about things, but sometimes they explode in my face and there it is - out there in the wide open.

Although I take every crush, flirtatious remark, innuendo and mere flattery from someone as a compliment, I also take it as an insult if it gets taken and pushed way too far and out of control. I tell it like it is and I never sugarcoat things to the point of misleading someone. When someone “forgets” that I’m married, especially someone who is also a lesbian and believes in the sanctity of marriage regardless of gender, I wonder if it is “forgetting” or simply an “I don’t respect your marriage” type of thinking.  There has to be a level of respect when you befriend a couple who are married. The number of years together does not indicate a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ union. For some reason, I’ve seen many lesbians (not to say there aren’t any heterosexuals who think this way), think that if you are with your significant other for more than ten years, then LBD (lesbian bed death) has been bestowed upon them. One person, who had no clue about the nature of my relationship with my wife, but only knew that we were "just married", recently had made a snark comment regarding the number of years we’ve been together and simply muttered out, “Oh you can’t possibly be happy.” (Sigh.)

I want to clear the air of any leftover particles of bullshit that’s been scattered about: I’m married. I’m human. I’m happy and I’m sad. I love being married to my wife. I will never leave her, unless she leaves me. I do not want “another girl on the side”, nor do I wish to have an extramarital affair. I’m flirtatious, but this does not mean that I want a little side dish to the main course of my relationship. Just because I’ve been with the same person for a long time does not mean that we are no longer intimate or do not love one another. That isn’t anybody’s business to begin with. For all who have stated, “You can’t possibly be happy” --- no, I am not completely happy in my life. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I do my best to maintain a level of sanity with natural remedies, exercise and try to surround myself with positive people, such as my friends and family. It is what it is. I never tell someone that I’m single or mislead them. I am very honest, to the point of brutally honest, and possibly tearing the very thin thread of friendship that has left to be recovered...or not.

If you’re reading this post, and it sounds like an email that has been written to you, then heed this message: It’s not me, it’s you.