Monday, May 18, 2009

Purging

Purging. It’s what I do best, since I absorb so much. It’s equivalent to bingeing on negative energy and then finally letting it release upon an unknown source. To some extent, we all do this. We’re human. Bottled up emotions, secretive battles within ourselves that makes our heart scream with anguish and mourn with sorrow are all energies that need to finally come out. Whether it comes out “as is”, or as an alias, is solely up to us. Some mask what’s hidden inside and blow up at something or someone that isn’t necessarily the triggering source. It’s just dumping your trash into another bin.

Although my spirits have been high, I’ve been feeling the heaviness; keeping it inside and having a difficult time purging it all. It’s not healthy. I went and renewed my gym membership, this way I can plunge into a good workout if I feel pent up. I started working out every single day, until my back locked up on me.   Although exercise has been known to relieve stress, it’s still not enough. I thought it would be a helpful outlet. But what about the stuff brewing inside? Aside from exercise, there has to be another outlet for the emotions; a verbal one possibly. Simple meditation and reflection can do wonders, so I’ve been told. I didn’t have the time, nor the patience.

When I think of the word meditation, I think: “relaxing” and “easy”. I find it hard to focus on not thinking about anything. My mind is constant. It won’t stop. It just goes on and on and on... I sit, breathe, and think about trying not to think. It just doesn’t work for me anymore. I have someone trying to help me with this - a professional.  She stated that my back problem was most likely due to stress. It’s amazing how emotional chaos can wreak havoc on us physically. Sometimes, emotional distress can cause illnesses. Trapped energy can lead into health problems. It makes sense.

How do I get the lightness back again? How do I obtain a conscious level of “happiness”---not the adrenaline junkie type of happiness, but the constant joy of peace that comes from God or a higher being? Even with all the praying I have been doing, it seems quiet. It seems like prayers being thrown upon deaf ears - or am I not realizing or feeling the power of my prayers.  Many would question atheism at this point, but I still have faith, I’m just having a hard time connecting to everything, everyone and even God right now.

Last night I did a cleansing inside my apartment. I burned sage and said a prayer, asking for protection. I must have looked like a gypsy gone insane, but at this point, I’m trying anything. Have you ever felt a heaviness that you couldn’t explain? Almost as if, something or someone is preventing you from moving into the next phase? I feel “stuck” - almost stagnant, where the road ahead has a visibility of zero. It’s different from being depressed - it’s not depression - it’s a feeling of uncertainty; perhaps blindness of my surroundings would be a better term to use. My vivid dreams are becoming more and more realistic. I have no clue how to analyze them, or if I should try to analyze them.

If this is making a lick of sense to anyone, please feel free to comment and leave suggestions. I’m tapped out right now and feel limited. I’ve rarely felt this way before and with that, never verbally admitted to this. So, I write...and write.  Maybe there is a purpose to all of this. I guess this is my way of purging.