Friday, April 24, 2009

Committing the Perfect Suicide

Wouldn’t it be great if we were like cats and had nine lives? Some people believe that we do come back (reincarnation), but I’m not so sure about that. I’d be scared I would be punished by God and come back as a goat getting my nipples tugged for milk every morning. My life is a little close to that, but no cigar. What if this is it? No, I’m not talking about death now, I’m speaking about life. What if “this is it”? What we’re doing - our jobs, our family and friends as well as the everyday mundane things that occur daily? Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like your life is just the same ol’ bullshit day after day after day?

I’m sick and tired of being “stuck”. This is one of the many reasons why I have chosen to write. It’s something I love to do.  After working at 9-5 corporate zombie-like jobs and noticing my anxiety heightening to where they had to take me out of the building in a gurney, I decided it was time for a change. I decided to commit the perfect suicide.  I reinvented myself. No longer would I sit in a cubical literally tied to a phone and computer pushing paper for the rest of my life. I needed change. I needed more God in my life. I focused on God and started writing. I never thought in a million years I would ever publish a book or get a career in writing alone. Never once did I see myself as the artsy type, even though the people described me as very creative and artistic. I went through a traumatic event in my life that made me see things in a different light. Was it perfect? Of course not. I even went around the same mountain and found that Einstein’s words were very real: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

My sister and I were talking and I’ll never forget what she said to me: “If we change the way we look at things - the world changes around us.” I truly believe that other things people were saying to me were messages from God. I’m guilty of having obsessive thought patterns. I constantly badgered---wait----tortured myself with negative thoughts. I’m still guilty of it from time to time. In fact, my thoughts are more on the lines of enslaved thoughts. They take over my entire life and then I slip into a deep depression. That. must. change.

I can easily blame all of my fear and phobias on my anxiety - it’s a great crutch, but I want a better excuse. Do you think anxiety is self-provoked? Do we create our own hell on earth? The one thing my therapist had said to me was, “Stop saying you can’t. You CAN. I CAN drive long distances. I CAN be in a crowded supermarket.”   I AM better. I AM at peace. With positive self-affirmation and reassurance that I AM able to do this or do that, life seems a little more “possible”; a little less scary. One of my great fears or phobias is being rushed. I get high anxiety traveling long distances just to be there for a short while.

So, this weekend I am committing the perfect suicide: My wife and I are taking off and leaving for Montauk for only two days. We typically go for more than a week. I can’t stand the traffic going through Long Island, it gives me agita. So, instead, I AM going to the beach. I WILL enjoy the pleasant Long Island ride over there. I AM content with the chaotic traffic and WILL be on my best behavior when someone cuts me off. I WILL enjoy the rush of packing and unpacking. I might just bring a backpack. You’ll have to check with Madelene if I made good on my word, for I won’t say boo if I flip my lid. This is so out of my character to pick up and go...but much needed!  Things. need. to. change.   "I" need to change. Once again, I am killing off the old me and reinventing myself to become more adventurous.

What’s your best suicide plan?
Enjoy this beautiful weekend!