Monday, March 16, 2009

Damaged Trust Issues

My previous post brought out many insecurities of people who are in my life or just somewhat connected to me somehow, whether via the internet or just a distant friend I haven’t spoken to in a while. My last post was to just explain my past experiences and how it affects me today. It wasn’t intended to indirectly speak to someone or send some “private message” in a roundabout way in order to get my thoughts across to a particular person.

The post was written for a reason though.

I’m scared. I’m afraid of people who are too insecure with themselves. I’m afraid of those who feel the need of constant reassurance that I like them. I’m skittish about some who feel the need to be in contact with me every single day - although I have no problem with that, it’s the obsessiveness or ‘thought to be’ on my part. If I forget a birthday, I don’t want to be reminded that I have forgotten. That’s just a flaw on my part that needs to be overlooked, in my opinion. I’m not good with dates or things I “should” remember. It doesn’t mean that I dislike these people. I forget my own relatives’ birthdays sometimes. It means nothing.

If I develop a friendship with someone, I want them to see me as a “friend”; a married woman who is devoted to her wife. I want them to see my wife as their friend as well. I don’t want to be singled out as “the lesbian who plays house”. I want my relationship to be taken just as seriously as those who are heterosexuals who are married. I may not get that, but I’ll surely stay away from the types that do treat my marriage disrespectfully. I’m not a guinea pig for straight female friends to chance a ‘test kiss’ on. My marriage and relationship with my wife does not have LBD, (lesbian bed death). Our marriage is not stale, as some would love to believe, just because we have been together for 14 years.

I’m not looking for special treatment. I don’t seek for extra attention - I simply want to be “me” and to have that be okay. I don’t live the conventional lifestyle. I don’t live my life according to a rule book. Judge me all you want. Some people like to fabricate stories about me or blatantly tell lies that are beyond my control. Believe what you will. That’s up to you. As far as my prior stalker and ex-friend, she has prevaricated such tall tales that have shocked many people simply because I refused to let her slip into Madelene’s shoes. She can’t even shine Madelene’s shoes no less get into them.

In my own personal opinion, those who seek to break up a relationship and play “Single White Female” by trying to replace someone is absolutely sickening. I even remember when I was friends with this person, having her ask me, “Does Madelene do it this way”, as she cooked something up in the kitchen or prepared something for me. She always wanted to know how Madelene did it. I’m sure she wanted to know other details of Madelene’s talents, but she could never measure up. Quite a tall order.

I'd like to think I'm there for all of my friends who need a shoulder to cry on, but if that person is crying hysterically over our friendship, then the red flag goes up. I get alarmed too easily and startled all too quickly. Maybe I’m not emotional enough? Maybe I should cry more? Why do I draw certain people into my life who seemingly puts on the tear works way too easily over the simplest of matters pertaining to our friendship? I do admit, it scares me. But, maybe I’m afraid of my own feelings and insecurities too? Maybe I’m the one with the damaged trust issues just because one person ruined that for me.  Or did I let them ruin it for me?