Friday, October 31, 2008

Trying to Debunk the Paranormal

Some people believe in the paranormal and others are skeptics. Religious or people of faith tend to sway away from that topic and usually feel that it is very bad to communicate with the deceased, due to what the bible says about it. I’ve always believed there were ghosts only because I’ve experienced some weird happenings myself in my lifetime that just cannot be explained. Everything can be debunked though…everything. It is fun to think it was real.

Since I’m far more sensitive to the paranormal than the people who are close to me, I always refrain from telling them most of what I see and let them tell me what they see or experience. For example, when I lived in the apartment upstairs from my parents’ house, there was an older woman who wore a grayish housecoat with white hair. She was tall, lanky and of course, an apparition. I wasn’t sure if I was the only one seeing her. She mostly stayed in my old bedroom downstairs. I’d see her from the corner of my eye, walking from the living room into the hallway of where my bedroom was. She seemed timid and didn’t like to be noticed all that much, from what I could tell. I never said anything…until one day my father said something strange in his loud Brooklynite voice:

“Yanno, darez’ dis lady walking ‘round da’ house in a nightgown. I went ova’ to take a good look atter’ and she hid behind the couch like she was scared!”

I asked him if she was young or old, just to confirm.

“She’s dis’ elderly woman – tall and skinny wit’ white hair! Washee’ want wit’ us? Why she so scared?”

Now, my father’s a ~big tough Italian no bullshit~ kind of guy. For him to tell me he saw exactly what I’ve been seeing is absolutely amazing. He could have just remained quiet and assumed that dementia was setting in, but like myself, this wasn’t his first experience witnessing spirits in that house.

While Madelene and I were lying on the hammock outside on the patio, the same lady came up to the screen door and took a peek at us. I saw her right away…and so did Madelene.

“Did you see that? Who’s that?” Madelene said, thinking it was an actual person. I was shocked that she even saw her. Madelene is more the ~down-to-earth logical need all the facts~ type of person.
“Did you see her? Did you see her?” I was getting all excited because now I knew it had nothing to do with my insanity.

Days later, my mom started seeing the same apparition, however she always had an explanation of who it was and why they were here. She explained that it was the woman who first owned the house who also used to see apparitions, but of Jesus in my old bedroom. (No wonder I’m such a Jesus freak, huh?) My mother wasn’t disturbed by it at all, since she has a lot of intuitions and is also very sensitive. A few times, my mother and I had the same dream and woke up explaining to one another about the details of it. Her and I used to jump into the same exact dreams and we were able to tell one another what we said and would be able to confirm it. We have a very strange connection in that regard, which is why I believe her so much. And, she’s not phased by any of it. I’m not sure what it means or what kind of spiritual gift we have, but it’s always interesting when it does occur.

Even in other people’s homes, I can sense things. I used to stay at a friend’s apartment a lot a couple of years ago. While working on a project on my computer one late afternoon, I kept sensing something mischievous and I also want to say “young”. I stared at my computer because the feeling was getting stronger and stronger. I was trying to write my first sentence in word document, but the first words weren’t written by me. As I kept staring, I saw with my own eyes these words type out one by one: b-o-o-! I chuckled and said out loud, “Oh come on, don’t do this to me right now!” I was never scared, because the energy was positive. It was an old 5 family Victorian house with a lot of history to it, including a massive fire years ago. It was rebuilt and redesigned somewhat.

Then my friend moved into a nicer and bigger apartment a few towns away. Even though this new apartment was cute and cozy, there was a sense of darkness that I couldn’t explain. The negative energy I sensed was so strong, that it brought on a lot of arguments and bitter spats between us. (This is my opinion about it though.) A few months later, after thinking it was just a bad sensory problem on my part, I was watching T.V. with my friend in the living room, when I noticed a black shadowy man walk by the dining room area. I looked over at my friend – not a flinch. She kept focused on the T.V. I watched as it moved from one side of the wall to the other. It was just a silhouette of a big and broad man. I decided to ignore it and chuck it up to just being tired.

That same night, I slept out on the couch as my friend was sound asleep in her bedroom. Each time I closed my eyes, something would fall out in the kitchen area. I walked in, being the brave ghost hunting soldier that I am and noticed that my friend’s refrigerator magnets were dropping one by one. Eh- no big deal. I noticed a spoon lying right near the toaster. As soon as I went back to the couch to close my eyes once again, I heard the spoon fall. I walked back over, but the spoon was gone. I looked around and noticed that it jumped from one counter to another.

Oh…muy….GAWD!

Now it started to freak me out. I was up all night. When I got drowsy, magnets would fall on the floor from the refrigerator again, waking me up and scaring the living hell out of me. I’m usually not afraid in this type of situation, but this was a very dark feeling and it felt like “anger”.

Ever since the day my friend moved into that apartment, we did nothing but fight. Before the day of July 1rst of 2007, the day she moved in, we hardly ever fought and always enjoyed one another’s company. I don’t want to put complete blame on something that can be debunked and given factual reasoning, however in my own personal opinion and gut instinct, it wasn’t just us ruining our friendship. The tenants before that who were a couple moved out because they had a bad break up. That apartment was the darkest place I have ever been to. I was always scared to tell her about my experiences in that place, because she had to sleep there, but sometimes I just had to. During a heated argument, I asked her to pray with me, in separate rooms. I even went as far as secretly sprinkling holy water my mother had given to me all around her apartment. I burned sage as well, and covered the smell up by cooking and heating up cinnamon. All of these home remedies that people tell you to do didn’t work for this place. It got worse, to where I saw the shadowy figure all the time. I never said anything to her at that point, because the anger and bitterness was increasing and eventually our friendship had to end, last October.

Call it ‘cooky-wacky’, but I took every measure to rid that place of darkness, but it never worked. One year later, while talking to someone who knows the apartment complex inside and out, I was told that there was a horrific murder that took place inside that very apartment.

I wonder if that’s the cause of the darkness and bitterness which still dawdles around?

What’s your paranormal experience?


Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Political Chest Pains

Yesterday was quite a day. The morning started out ok: had breakfast with my partner, cleaned the house, did some work and right after a phone conversation with a friend, I started to get severe chest pains. I’ve had many types of chest pains before- but this one was different. This started from my chest and made a beeline all the way down to my hands. Every jolt traumatized me. I finally collapsed and thought I should call 911, but instead I called Madelene. The last time I called 911, they charged me $500 for a ride down the road. No thanks.

Madelene picked me up and we drove 10 mph to the hospital. I love Madelene dearly, but the woman drives like an old bitty. It’s her heart that counts, right? Or is it mine??? Anyway, we’re slowly making our way into purgatory, or I should say, the ER when she comes up with this question: "Do you think it's gas?" This isn’t going to look too good because now I’m getting irritated by her questions.

Surprisingly, they rushed me in right away. Usually, the hospital staff sits and stares at you while they file their nails and pop their gum, jotting down medical information from you before admitting you. They treated me like some celebrity in there, rushing me from one nurse station to another. Then they gave me my own private little section and put on the good ol’ ass robe, as I call it. The gown was light blue with ugly paisley designs. They hooked me up to these little electrodes – the EKG machine and another nurse was taking my blood pressure while another nurse was wrapping an oxygen tube around my face and up my nose. As I’m hooked up to a million things, another nurse comes in with two cups – like in a psyche ward: one with water and a small cup with a pill.

“Here, take this. It’s aspirin.”

I thought it was going to be something good. The 5th nurse came in and took 6 tubes of blood from me, and then, two x-ray technicians came into my section rolling this monstrosity of a chest x-ray machine in.

“Here, sign this.”
“Ok.”
“Are you sexually active?”
“Yes.”
“Are you pregnant.”
“No.”
“Are you sure you aren’t pregnant?”
“Yes.”
“Do you use contraceptives while having sex?”
“I’m gay, that’s my partner.”

The nurse gives me a look and a smile and says, “Honey, that doesn’t matter, there are tons of ways you two can go about having a baby.” While she’s going on with her gay equality speech, I realized she was a lesbian herself with the ~almost~ crew cut hair style and rainbow key chain.

“I know, I know, I just wanted to stifle the ‘are you pregnant' questions." I replied. She takes the forms and puts these heavy led panels on top of me and tells me to take a deep breath.

The big problem with this hospital is waiting for the test results. We sat there for 6 hours before we got them back. While Madelene and I sat there staring at one another like a coupla’ buffoons, you couldn't help but overhear people talk. And, it’s amazing how so many people think their conversations are private, while all that’s blocking everyone are cloth curtains.

Through spurts of blood curdling screams from the psyche ward patient next to me being handcuffed to his bed yelling, “I’m gonna fekking kill you after I get loose you a-holes! Get me outa’ here! AHHHHHHHHHHHH”, I heard a doctor on the other side saying, “I just can’t vote for a black president. I just can’t do it. Being in my line of work, you see the majority of them and it’s hard for me as a democrat to place someone who will endanger this country.”

I look at Madelene’s response. Nothing. She obviously isn’t a good eavesdropper as I am.

He goes on: “It’s like a new fad where everyone gets this ‘change bug’ and goes crazy by wanting to fit in. This guy is going to win because people don’t want to appear as a bunch of racists.”

This is a well-educated doctor. Does it make a difference?

A nurse chimes in with the same sentiments. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I truly believe that half this election is going to be based on pure racism, for both sides. One screams, “Don’t let the white man run again”, and another screams, “I don’t want a black president!”

I’ve been hearing this a lot lately, (even in the comment section of my previous post) and especially now that it’s down to the last days before election time. I just can’t get over that there are people that are admitting to their racism, but maybe that’s a good thing. We know it’s still out there, which is sad. I guess people will never 'change', even if “change” runs for president.

I’m ok though. The blood work, EKG reading and x-rays were all fine.

Diagnoses: stress.
(Although I am posting a lot about my dislikes about this election, I still have not chosen a candidate or even made the decision to vote yet. I do not lean one way or the other, but feel passionate about the reasons why people are voting.)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Save Obama - Vote McCain?

People never mention “white supremacists” because they’re hardly among us…or are they? In fact, there are so many of them among us that we don’t know about. Many are discreet and go about life like we do. Some people share their views, but don’t participate in violence towards African-Americans. Besides their claim to be “Christian” for most of them, their religion is much more than a title---it’s hatred towards human beings, period. They have no tolerance for anyone other than Caucasian, heterosexual people. None.

When I read what happened on CNN’s website, it left a chill down my spine.

"Federal prosecutors charged two men with plotting a "killing spree" against African-Americans that would have been capped with an attempt to kill Sen. Barack Obama while they wore white tuxedos, federal officials said Monday." ---read more.

This isn’t the first attempt from these types of people either. This is an ongoing “mission” to be planned and carried out. Although CNN reporters say that the plot could not be pulled off—my gut instincts say that it will eventually. These aren’t just people who hate the possible “new president”; these are people who have had an ongoing hatred with African-Americans. If it were a gay president running for office, he or she would be in the same danger too.

A few months ago, while speaking about politics with a friend who happens to be African-American, she stated that she and her family are voting for McCain, simply because they do not want to see Obama assasinated, even before he possibly gets in. She stated that they’re happy and proud of how far he has already come. But is that fair? Is it fair to just say, “Okay, you’ve come this far as a black man, now step down because you’re in danger”, and never let a black man in the White House? But, I do see her point too. They’re vote is for McCain out of fear, but the fact is, no president is safe.

Will you vote out of fear?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Another Reason Not to Vote

I’m so politically exhausted. I feel like screaming out of my apartment, “I HATE EVERYONE”, like a maniac running out of a psyche ward, but my neighbors would most likely call the guys in the white coats to come after me. What happens days before the election that people get so passionate and so vulgar with one another that it comes down to political blows and insults right into name calling? What are we trying to do?

You vote for Obama.

He votes for McCain.

Another refuses to vote.

Some vote for Paris Hilton.

Why can’t we just secretly have our political views, vote for who we want and just be happy with that, instead of attacking one another? Are we trying to change people’s minds? Are we trying to convince ourselves that our choice is the “right” one? Or are we just trying to be right?

In the end result, whoever wins, whichever candidate gets the royal crown, we all come together as a country regardless. Or do we? Does anyone still have passionate debates anymore after the elections are over? Remember when Kerry was running along with Bush? Oh, the debates were heated up just like this one. Everyone was chanting, “Kerry! Kerry! Kerry!” He was all the rage. I really thought he would win. Then, as rumor has it, many people’s votes were thrown out due to incorrect name information between driver licenses and how they have written their names on their ballots. Read here for more information. Thank you, Nick for pointing this out. I’m truly scared that our vote doesn’t count.

Aside from not liking the two candidates, (and let’s be real, it’s Obama against Palin), I'm wary about what happens to our votes. I am still on the fence about voting this year.

Yes, people have died for their right to vote, but I’m sure they would turn in their graves if they knew our votes didn’t count.

What do you think?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Dr. Placebo

Intellectuals don’t impress me. Highly educated people don’t impress me either. I’m speaking about the ones who make it known to the world and hold up their degrees like a flag that their education makes them who they are today. In my opinion, your experience and heart makes you who you are today; the way you love and the way you treat others is what makes you who you are today. There isn’t a degree in the world that would prove to me that you’re lovable or reliable. It’s your vulnerability, your efforts in life and your ability to make people feel loved is what makes you lovable. I’ve always been told, “Don’t date a man who treats his mother poorly.” I don’t date men, so I don’t know what to go by anymore these days. So not the point here...

I recently found myself surrounded by a bunch of gals who were talking about their anxiety and depression. I listened, remained quiet and overheard one girl talking about the tons of medications she was on. Some even had harmful interactions while being taken at the same time. Since I had and still have anxiety myself and have seen many doctors in the past, I told her my opinion on each medication and that it’s mostly a business. Pill pushing doctors will pull you into their office for 15 minutes, write a script and kick you back out like a number. I explained that most medications do more harm than good. There are more side effects associated with certain medications than there are benefits. Have you ever heard a commercial about a certain medication, and at the end of it there’s a talented speed talker who spews out the list of harmful side effects, including death?

“Are you a doctor?”
“No, a patient.”

Experience; the good ol’ ~been there and done that~ theory gave me quite the education. I truly believe the old remedies work better. Exercising, rearranging furniture in my home (or fen shui’n it up), bananas, coffee and more interactions with friends and family are all remedies that helped me ten million times better than medication ever could. Another great source of kicking in the endorphins besides exercise is getting enough sunlight. Instead of tucking myself inside in a gym or on inside my apartment on my treadmill, I now walk a few blocks each morning just to grab some sun (vitamin D). You can also take supplements. The best remedy yet: laughter. During my trip to Massachusetts for my wedding, we went to see a few comedy shows that had our faces hurting so much from laughing.

Winter’s approaching which means we have less daylight. A lot of us get depressed during this time, which is more reason to take charge before depression kicks in. I also speak for myself. November is usually a bad month for me, but I’m going to make sure I do everything in my power to stay positive.

Another thing is, this morning I was watching the news and they reported that many doctors were giving out placebos to their patients as “tests”. Some were on mood stabilizers and antidepressants for a long period of time. When taking the placebo, the patient mentally thought they were still on their regular medication. Nothing to report from the patients. It was the process of weaning off without the patient mentally acknowledging it. So, all in all, this sort of proves that medication isn’t needed for some. I do know that some people need medication, but I do believe that way too many people are on it when they shouldn’t be.

Just because you have a “Dr” before your name doesn’t mean you’re smarter than the rest. I respect all of our doctors, but I’m wary of the ones who take advantages of kickbacks and end up risking the lives of people who really need help.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Project Implicit

Last night I was watching CW11 news. Mind you, it’s my least favorite of the bunch, but at 10pm I like to sit there and watch mindless news chatter and hear the weather for the next day. While listening to them go on and on about nothing and everything, they bring up this test that determines if you’re vote is based on prejudiced issues. Harvard University came out with the IAT (Implicit Association Test). Many Caucasian people who took the test favored those who are of European descent and those who were African American mostly favored their region as well. A few were quite moderate and in between – which is better for our voting system of course.

I wrote about this on another site, but think about this: how many people will chant, “OBAMA” and then go behind the curtains and vote for someone else due to racial factors? I think many people want to be open and want to vote for anyone who is “qualified”, but studies have shown that this isn’t the case. What we see everyday may be based on how vote. Look at me: I usually vote more conservative because my surroundings, my world, my entire being is guided by my faith in God. If any candidate is wishy-washy about his faith in God or the lack of a certain religion, or the doubt I have about it- I will not vote for them. I’d rather a Christian be in office. That’s just me. Is it because I’m prejudiced? I don’t think so, but my study concluded that I favored “Jigglypuff”. Go figure it out and see where you stand.

Take the test. I dare ya!
(Also, can anyone tell me why my sidebar has shifted all the way to the bottom and how I can fix it?)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sarah Palin - Two Parts

Err, what?

Take a look at the first (fake) version of Sarah Palin and then take a look at the real Sarah Palin in the second part of this video. Too funny.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Don't Vote!

With the wedding bells coming to a halt and life beginning to go back to normal, I hear the hum of political jibber jabber on every news channel, personal blog, radio station, ----oh and my local newspaper. Yes, I read newspapers and I can tell you the sources too, unlike Palin.

Most of you know I was 100% for the McCain/Palin ticket. The more and more Sarah Palin speaks, the more I cringe. At first, I loved her. She rocked! I know that every politician lies, but for the love of God--------be a good liar! My father used to always say, “If ya gonna steal---steal big! Get yourself an armored car and run!” I’m sure all the ink from the money would spew all over my face like a fricken octopus, but probably well worth it.

Think about this: Sarah Palin isn’t fit or prepared to become our next president. Yes, I said “next president” because we all know that she’s literally one heartbeat away from the presidential seat. She can’t even name one newspaper that she reads. Her response was, “Ohhhhh, many.” She ran around that bush as if one of her ex-gay ministry convicts were chasing her. All newspapers have a lean towards the ‘left’ or ‘right’, and some you really can’t figure out because they want to cater to both. I’m sure if Palin did answer that question, she would be criticized for her love of a good democratic newspaper. I honestly believe that’s the reason why she didn’t answer.

Every question she gets hit with is too hard for her or she tries avoiding the truth. She can’t lie. Maybe it’s the Christian part that does this to her, but if you’re going into politics, be prepared to be the BEST liar ever. Can you imagine Palin speaking for our country in that “Fargo”-like voice? Nope. Can’t do it. She may look hot in a skirt, as good ol’ John already knows, but I need brains to go along with my good looking women.

The McCain/Palin ticket lost my vote.

I vote for Biden. Well, I really can’t. I refuse to vote for Obama due to links to terrorism, lack of experience and racial issues that have been known to come up to the surface, but many people I talk of are worried that if Obama does win, he won’t be in office long due to our Christian extremists and their fondness of Biden as well. Put 2 & 2 together and you have a disaster. I just don’t feel safe with Obama. I don’t believe he would be adamant about facing our enemies and protecting our country.

I refuse to vote. In my opinion, this election has horrible candidates who aren’t ready. McCain is, but is Palin? Obama isn’t, but Biden is.

Why can’t Obama and Biden switch seats?
I refuse to vote.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Photos of Our Wedding

Please click on the photo above to view more photos of our wedding! Thank you for everyone who has congratulated us and was there on our special day.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

We're Finally Married!

We're finally married! I wanted to let all of you know it was a beautiful ceremony - couldn't have asked for better weather. We're still waiting for our photographer to give us the photos. I'll post photos tomorrow or the next day.

We just want to thank our family and friends for being so supportive and trying to balance on the rocky sand while the ceremony was taking place. I apologize if shoes were ruined! I have the best friends in the world and Madelene's mother and fiance made our day so special!

Thank you!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Matrimony Madness & Memories

It’s 7am and I have glitter falling from my hair onto my eyebrows and now onto my keyboard. Some even made it into my eyes. If it weren’t for the overenthusiastic beauty shop owner from yesterday, I wouldn’t have to clean up this mess. From trying on fake lashes, lip plumping grease to eyebrow waxing and then getting sprayed with a can of sparkles, I think the whole wedding preparation fiasco has finally come to an end. I brought Madelene to our favorite local bar to meet up with our friends Marty and Maria to have a drink and something to eat. I thought the dark bar scene would hide my glittery hair. It didn’t work.

Maria pulled out her wedding pictures to show me a few things she did for her special day. As I sorted through them, I started getting nervous. I wasn’t nervous until I saw her wedding photos for some reason. I turned to look at Maria. Her eyes were dead-set on me, as though she was analyzing my response to “wedding stuff”. Our eyes locked for a few moments and she let out a ‘know it all’ smirk. It was as if she was reading my mind. I tried to stop thinking. It didn’t work.

“This’ll be your last time sitting at our bar as a ‘single woman’, Deb.” Debbie, our bartender said, who has known me for years. I let out a chuckle and said, “Well, this will give me an excuse to be a total pig tonight and flirt with all the girls here.” Madelene had left to go to the bathroom and Debbie looked over at me.

“Are you ready?”

At first, I looked at my half empty (of half full) glass of beer and was going to say “not yet”, but I realized she was asking me an entirely different question. I felt like my life flashed before my eyes and I was seeing every single moment come through like an old torn up film in a huge movie theater.
People, places and things.

People I fell in love with: I remember each person I ever fell for. Some stand out more than others, but their faces will never be forgotten. Each kiss, each “I love you” will always be remembered.

Places I’ve been: I remember places I’ve been with other people, restaurants we had romantic dinners at, vacations and times of just staying home talking, laughing and getting to know one another. Unforgettable.

Things: I still keep certain things people have given me from over the years. I have an old necklace my ex-boyfriend once had given me for my birthday, paintings from my first girlfriend who’s an incredible artist, love letters and photos from a great love I had back in 1993, a couple of articles of clothing from a couple of special people, a ‘No Nonsense’ sock floating in one of my boxes and a bunch of video footages of fun times had with a wonderful girl. None which I regret.

As I think about all of these wonderful people I have come across, I realized that these are the very people who created who I am today. I give all of them credit for making me feel loved, desired and wanted as a woman. They all accepted me for who I am and took a chance on me. I just hope their regrets are few.

Madelene walked back inside the bar area and smiled at me as she rubbed my back. I could see the excitement in her eyes; the look of: our day is almost here sweetie! If I had to write down every beautiful memory I have ever had with Madelene throughout my life, it would be a novel. I have everything she has ever given me, and most of all: I still have her in my life.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

Debbie smiled at me and got me another drink on the house.
(This will be my last post for a week or so. We're leaving early tomorrow morning to head up to MA. The wedding is taking place on October 11th with our gay Christian minister out on their beautiful beach with our family and close friends. The two days before our big day, we will be planted in a day spa filling up on lots of champagne! The next post will be our wedding pictures and videos, plus whatever chaos happened along the way. Wish us luck! Thank you for being so supportive--I love you all!)

Friday, October 03, 2008

Peace From Within

Have you ever thought about how much we solely rely on other people, whether it’s their approval, their attentiveness, their ability to make you happy or by their help? We rely on other people’s love, friendship and understanding. We rely on too much really. The one person you thought you could rely and trust upon can easily take a turn in another direction and become your worst enemy.

People are human. Common sense.

People are complicated little creatures. They have feelings and get hurt and sometimes feel insecure which can lead into indirect punishment for other people in their lives. Have you ever had someone yell at you without a sufficient reason and wonder, “What the hell was that about?” A person can totally go off the handle on an innocent waitress just because they had a bad day—not even because the service was bad. They need to vent; they need to direct their anger without their human GPS system. They are emotionally lost. “They” are sometimes “we”.

Hats off to you if you’re one of the few people who are truly independent and not relying on other people’s approvals or judgments. I give you credit, because it’s a hard thing to do. I would love to give the advice of going only by God’s judgment, but even I can’t do that. I try, but my human conditions get in the way. When I do follow the path of only relying on God’s judgment, my life does get a little easier. But, it doesn’t last that long for some reason. I get caught up in the whole, ‘what do they think’ type of mindset or, ‘is this is ok to do’ type of thinking. It can really debilitate you. The more you hold onto other people’s approvals, the more insecure you’ll eventually get. It happened to me and it totally killed my self-esteem. I had to stop writing for some time, just because I felt insecure by other people’s actions, words and judgments. I was emotionally torn down, ripped apart and criticized by one of the closest people in my life who truly disappointed me. It left me without words. It left me without positive reinforcement about myself, as well as my outlook on anything in life. Because of “people” and my reliance on their approvals and judgments, even my faith in God had dwindled. I was spiritually dead.

This past year, I’ve been “emotionally resting” from all the chaos that went on in my life the past couple of years prior. The emotional abuse and mental torture that I went through because of the actions of another person, and my reactions toward that same person, left me feeling depressed, bitter and resentful plus very insecure about myself. Through prayer, mediation and self-analyzation, I regained my sense of “self” again. I finally felt good after some time and realized my entire outlook of who I was relied on other people. It was the darkest place I’ve ever been. I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t write. I was afraid I would be studied like a bug under a microscope. I didn’t go out much, in fear someone would notice me or think negative things about me. I was traumatized. Funny thing, I kept it so well hidden from my friends and family that they never even knew.

I kept it all inside… I felt all the pressures of the pain and the emotional scars that added up and kept reopening just to torture me some more.

I wanted to die.

I also wanted peace.

I had two choices: either quit and give up or strengthen my core and keep pressing on. God knows there are more things that are going to take my life for a few loops. Life’s a test. God gives us tests, but God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. And if we’re too weak to handle them and give up on life that easily---then why are we even ‘here’?

“I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.” –Philippians 4:13

I chose life. I chose to live my life and take the punches as well as see the lessons that I have learned along the way. I’ve come to the conclusion, depending on what personality type you are: you can only allow people to affect you. I believe it’s all how we internalize the outside world and those who intentionally as well as unintentionally, hurt us. Instead of trying to change the person(s)’s outlook and behavior, we can change ourselves inside and decide to not let it affect us any longer. We can step back and rid ourselves from the negative energy that some people naturally give off.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself, as I did many times, and still do periodically: visualize seeing yourself from another person’s eyes, walking into a room. What are your thoughts? How do you look? How secure and confident do you appear? Are you friendly? Does your face have a welcoming smile that invites positive people to gravitate toward you? Or, do you see yourself through negative lenses?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Defining My Best Friend

A companion. Someone you can rely on in good times and bad. Someone who looks through your human flaws, idiosyncrasies and sees the soul of who you are and doesn’t count every mistake you have made. It’s someone who forgives, but most of all, is able to forget and move forward…with you. It’s the person you go to with your deepest secrets and the knowledge that it stays between you and that person. It’s someone who can identify with you, even if they disagree with what you’re saying. It’s the one person who would drive through a hurricane just to be with you only if for just a few hours. It’s the person you can sit in a comfortable silence with. This person will always edify you and lift your spirits up, not tear them down. You can always be reassured that outward appearances are superficial to them; it’s the heart, the soul and the love in your heart that matters the most. This person will provide an atmosphere of love, compassion, loyalty, friendship and safety for you.

This person is the only one you would go the distance for. It’s the one person that’s embedded deep within your heart. When you hear the word “trustworthy”---this is the first person that comes to mind. The laughter you share is like no other. The inside jokes and little secret understandings are what makes your friendship that much more special. It’s sharing with family and friends; it’s letting them become your family and who you are. The differences between the two of you should unite the bond even more so, therefore allowing you to grow and learn together and not having predictability. It’s hours over coffee talking about everything and anything and not realizing how much time has passed.

You never stop learning about one another. Never, should the words, “Oh I know him or her” come out of your mouth; you should be able to know there is so much more to them. Once you quit learning about them, admitting knowledge of the full person, the relationship may take a downward spiral. It’s never giving up on one another. It’s being able to critique without belittling. We all need honesty.

Honesty. Vulnerability. Unconditional love, to the extent of what a human being is capable of. That, to me, is what a best friend should be.

I have this in you, Madelene.
11 more days till we say our vows and continue sharing our lives together. I can't wait! I love her more each passing day!