Thursday, August 16, 2012

Volatile Relationships

A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. ~Proverbs 15:17
You don’t necessarily have to “like” the person you’re in an intimate relationship with. In fact, you might just love and hate them at the same time. I’m sure you’ve heard of the term “love/hate relationships”, and how some relationships are just overflowing with constant bickering and arguing. Your partner says white; you say black. The fact remains: you two just don’t get along and will do anything to be on the opposite sides of the fence. You just don’t see eye-to-eye. Whether it’s been like this all along, or has recently developed, you find your state of mind being more depressed and miserable while being with them, rather than being grateful and happy while being in their presence. When do we end the torture?

Usually these are on and off relationships; they break up to make up. It’s like some sick obsession with drama and sex. The combination of both extremes saps all the positive energy of whatever you had left in you. So then, what next? You two decide to break it off and cut ties. Your mind starts tracking back to all the good times you had with this particular person. You start forgetting about the negative aspects: the constant bickering, nitpicking and criticisms you endured and you begin to start the process of ‘distance distortion’---where all your thoughts are pointed to the little positives that you’ve known about the relationship – leaving out any negative ones. You cry and think about calling him/her.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. On the very day I call to you for help, my enemies will retreat. (Enemies can symbolize the temptation and false illusions of the relationship itself.) This I know: God is on my side.” ~Psalm 56:8-9
Prayer. It’s the most powerful thing you can do when you don’t know what to do. It can be your saving grace from making that stupid mistake of calling him/her, when you know it’s only going to cause more confusion and sadness than happiness. One of you will bring up something unpleasant about the relationship while trying to have a cordial conversation and that’ll be it. Back to square one: angry and resentful. See, there are several emotions while still raw in a breakup: shock, anger, resentment, sadness and acceptance. Once you’ve reached the “acceptance level” of the breakup, you may begin to develop this thought process that it’s okay to call him/her now. What if they’re not done with their healing process? You risk the chance of an argument. Time time time. Whether or not you plan on trying to get your ex back, or if you plan on healing – time is the answer. I hated hearing that, but it’s true.

If it was in fact a volatile relationship, why do you want your ex back in the first place? I can tell you one good reason: fear. People fear that they’ll never meet the love of their life “again”. They think this was their soul mate and there’s not another person out there that’ll fit that description. Memories go back to the “beginning” of the relationship. Think about it. …Another fear is that someone else will take their place. Gladly hand over that position. People are also scared of “new people”. They want what’s familiar to them. This is another reason why people have sex with the ex. It’s familiar territory. They don’t have to go out and risk the chance of sleeping with another person only to get hurt again, or worse yet, possibly end up with more than they bargained for... This seems like the “safe route”. I really believe that’s why “yo-yo” relationships were invented. Plain and simple: fear. We want to go back to home base even if we don’t plan on staying there for very long.

“It is better to live in a desert land, than with a contentious and vexing woman” (Proverbs 21:19)
Safe is not necessarily healthy. Taking risks and being able to love someone without jealousy, rage, anger and awful bickering is the way to live a peaceful and long life. If you settle for someone who is constantly going to drive you nuts and drain your energy – get out while you’re still alive. I truly believe you can die from this whether you have a heart attack or stroke from the stress of it all. So it’s much more than just getting rid of a bad relationship - it’s more about keeping a healthy life, a healthy attitude and a healthy mindset.

For more of Deb's articles, please visit: www.debrapasquella.com or join her on Facebook.

29 comments:

Art said...

No, you don’t necessarily have to “like” the person you’re in a relationship with... But in my limited experience, it sure works out a lot better if you do!

グラント said...

What kind of soup and steak are we talking about? Becuase if it's miso soup and flank steak, I agree. If it's tomato and filet mignon, I'll go with the person I hate. At least I have the steak knife handy if I need to shut him or her up (I'm an equal opportunity destroyer).

Mmmm...miso soup, filet mignon, and ~deb for lunch. Those Froot Loops I had seem so cold by comparison.

~Deb said...
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Margie said...

Great post, Deb
If you settle for someone who is constantly going to drive you nuts and drain your energy, get out while you're still alive."

Totally agree with you on that, Deb!
Toxic relationships can actually kill us...all the stress can lead to a heart attack or a stroke!
Much better to be alone than be in a toxic relationship!

You are a smart girl!
Thank you!
Have a great day!

Margie

titration said...

I haven't yet experienced any of this. I'll let you know what I think when/if I do. ;) Can I skip all this?

~Deb said...
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Natalia said...

Very interesting indeed. I have been there. And it is very hard. You know I don't believe in prayer, but I do believe in meditation and introspection and I think those are necessary. You need to remind yourself what it felt like to be in that place. Easier said than done. Great post.

Seraphine said...

Relationships should, in the main, be easy. If it's not easy, it's not a successful relationship.

(There's times in every relationship that won't be easy, but the "every-day" part should be).

~Deb said...
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Real Live Lesbian said...

You are so right! I'm finally in a relationship with a person that's easy. I'll eat soup with her for the rest of my life!

Great post!

Matt-Man said...

I've been thorugh the toxic relationship before, but I have finally lucked out. We both like soup, SPAM, and Hamburger Helper, so we dont need steak.

On top of that, and first and foremost, we are each other's best friend. Cheers Deb!!

Jay Cam said...

i agree with you on the "break up to make up" thing. its so true.
and sad.

but if a relationship comes to that, it probably wouldn't last very long. thats from experience.

GW Mush said...

Hi Deb!

I really think that your next book that you publish should be a book on relationships! hehe

Excellent post!

Nichole said...

People fear that they’ll never meet the love of their life “again”. They think this was their soul mate and there’s not another person out there that’ll fit that description.

You're right... I do fear that. But I'm working on believing that it isn't true. There will be someone out there for me. It may just take a while for them to appear.

~Deb said...
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Blu Jewel said...

I've been through a similar situation and often asked myself, "if I'm this or that, or have no redeeming qualities, what do you want me for?" It's then that you get hit with, "but I love you!" I'm sorry, that's not love to me, it's the abuse thereof and sum crazy manipulative tool to win me over. I don't need to love or be loved like that.

In addition, this kind of behavior is what I like to call Emotional Hostage. It's where one party can't/won't let go and makes the other party feel guilty for moving on. In other instances, it's holding yourself hostage in what was instead of what is and moving on. Either way, it's a fugged up situation to be in or put someone else in.

Thank you for this post and for eloquently airing some of my thoughts.

Love!

~Deb said...
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Queenie said...

I agree many people don't like change, maybe it is fear that keeps them together. My friend told me, I have invested my life in this person, so its to late to walk away. I don't see it that way, but can see their logic. Do you believe the people who say I would live in a tent with them, our love is so strong, really mean it, if push came to shuff????

~Deb said...
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Flip Flop Momma said...

Some days the hubby gets under my skin and I want to beat him with a mallet...other days I just dislike him enough to hit him with a rubber chicken...

Michelle (artscapes) said...

For me it comes down to respect - in all kinds of relationships - not just romantic. If you feel respected and you respect the other person, there is something for love to build on.

Memories are valuable and make great windows but poor foundations.

So I guess it starts, not with them - but with you - do you respect yourself?

Great post, Deb!

グラント said...

Dear lazybones (no new post today),

I noticed your blog header refers to you as being a Christian lesbian. Didn't your basic description used to include the word "Republican" as well? Has that changed? If Bush can put you off the Republican party, does that mean he can sour you on Christianity as well? It seems each step you take is closer to me and my liege lord. Come...join us...don't be afraid.

But stay a lesbian, please. Although I would love to invite you to be the bat girl for the hetero team, the chance of watching you make out with an Asian schoolgirl is too hot to pass.

Nice new pic, btw. Satan approves. >:)

DaBich said...

Deb ~ Great post. One should always try to keep oneself happy in a relationship. But, when the relationship is bad, it ends up involving others as well. Friends, family, and others as well. If it's toxic, everyone suffers.
Sometimes, it's best to walk away.

God Bless!

Jamie said...

Great post as usual! My husband and I have our moments, but when you're living with someone and see them often, it's hard not to get on each other's nerves. That's why I truly believe people need their "me time." Not to sound so Oprah-ish, but it helps keep one's sanity. :)

Comrade Kevin said...

I see relationships as a process of evolution and making progress. Being gentle with yourself when you inevitably backslide is probably the best thing. We are, after all, not perfect.

But so long as we are aware of our problems and deep-seeded issues, we can best address them!

You're self-aware and that's good.

Michael Tyas said...

Prayer: What a simple concept that just slapped me square in the jaw. "Thanks for the knockout advice!"

Piercing The Veil said...

nice write ... we are confuse sometimes when will the resentment and wrath leads to ...


gud day

The Elephant's Child said...

How very true, though probably not something I would be able to hear while I was in one of 'those' relationships. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Omg! Your post was on point and helped to open my eyes about why my ex and I broke up. Thank you for sharing! Bless you