Genuineness. Do many people posses it? I guess it depends on the topic or situation. But think about it – genuineness – that act of truly caring without any motives or agendas. What does this person(s) have to gain by helping you? I’m certainly not trying to make anyone distrust people, however, I always like knowing the motives of those who help. They say that if you don’t allow yourself to trust others, then it’s most likely that you’re the one that can’t be trusted. It kind of makes sense though. They also say if your lover constantly accuses you of cheating, then they must be cheating on you. (Unless there’s good reason to believe they’re cheating of course…) I’m assuming some heavy thinking, espresso-drinking psychiatrist came up with these theories. Then again, it could have been some crazy Christian lesbian writer who overanalyzes things way too much…Genuineness. My friend is sick. I don’t want her to be alone while she’s coughing, hacking, sneezing, honking and moaning in agony. I have OCD. I wash my hands more times than the average man thinks about sex during the course of the day. What’s in it for me? ..The flu, possibly. In my head, while witnessing my friend suffer, I can only think if that were me lying there on the couch suffering with nobody around to help me – I would definitely appreciate somebody coming to my rescue with a hot steamy pot of chicken soup and maybe bring me to the doctor’s office if I needed to. Is it a motive? Is it ‘if you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours’ type of deal? I’d like to think that my conscience tugged on my heart and insisted that I help my friend so she could get better. But then I delve deeper: is it because I want others to do the same for me?
Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
So it’s basically a law. Does genuineness come from this golden rule? If it does, is it truly considered being “genuine”?
20 comments:
Good Question. One can follow the Golden Rule and still be genuine. After all it says, "as you would have thenm do unto you". It doesn't say, "as you expect them to do unto you."
Just because one treats another like he or she would like to be treated, doesn't necessarily imply that the one helping expects reciprocity. Did that make sense?
Cheers Deb!!
Give without expectations - a great way to live, but is it realistic? Maybe "we hope" they would reciprocate or we just want it acknowledged, but I truly feel that the person giving without expectations or a desire for the favor to be returned is one genuine angel!
It totally makes sense! Thanks Matt!
I know that when I help part of my mind does go back to me thinking, "hey..I mayneed a hand like this some day so let me send out some good karma."
But I also would help someome because I truly want to and expect nothing back. I think it all depends on the situation and whether or not it reminds me of times that I needed help and never got it.
That's a hard one. Can genuine be a synonym for honesty? Let's face it: a lot of us don't want to follow the Golden Rule in certain situations, and we may feel we are more genuine when we don't! But if you are refering to genuineness as an essence within us to do good, then I think most (not all--there are sociopaths and narcissitic disorder folks out there) are capable and some are willing. Some people live more by appearances, so they may give the image of genuineness when inside they are all barbed wire and razor blades. I've seen this and I am sure you have as well. So who do we worry about pleasing: God or man? A lot of us try to do the former, but get too worried about the latter.
I hope that one made sense!
I think the golden rule expresses something that is in all of us. Unfortunately, that goodness is often surpressed so we need reminders or motivators...
I give all the time (grief, lip service, Voodou curses, etc.) and never expect anything in return. So, according to your definition, I am a total angel. Specifically, the Angel of Death. Love me, or I'll kill you alot. >:(
Seriously, I always try to give with no expectation of a return. Doing for others is its own reward and you're only priming yourself for disappointment if you expect more. It's nice on the rare occasion when someone reciprocates, but I prefer to be pleasantly surprised when they do instead of bitterly disappointed when they don't. Some people may try to take advantage of this attitude, but they're easily spotted and you can always make them go away by introducing them to your pal the chainsaw (I call him Bert) and playing a little game I like to call "Where is your god now, huh, you limbless bastard?"
Maybe you should try being less cynical and more guileless like me. For instance, you can offer me sex and, even though I'm under no obligation, I will most likely reciprocate, several times if you wear the Asian Catholic schoolgirl bunny outfit I keep handy in my dunge - I mean, um, closet. Yeah. I thihk I covered that slip nicely. What do you think, Bert?
Hi Deb, Thanks for visiting my blog before. I enjoyed reading this post which is very thought provoking. I am still thinking about the subject. However I believe in real genuineness. There are people who go out of their way to help other without expecting anything in return (not even eternal salvation) :)
Some people just feel the need to do something for the other person, even if it is just saying kind words that will cheer someone up.
Have a great day and keep in touch!
i don't know. i think the Golden Rule only works if you have a lot of friends or enemies.
or if spontaneous things happen to you!
For me, genuineness has long been a goal of mine. My first visit to a Men's Coming Out group in the town where I lived was very harrowing for me. It took me what seemed like forever to gain the strength to even walk through the front door of the GLBT Center. When it came my turn to tell the group my name & why I was there, I wasn't even sure I could find the courage to speak. My introduction was short & sweet & without even thinking about it, I said that all I want is to be myself, but that I had hidden it for so long that I didn't even know who that was anymore.
It's still mostly true today. I know it may sound silly & strange (which describes me completely, by the way), but, at 45 years of age, I don't know who I really am. It's true that I've been out for over a decade, but that means that over 30 years of my life were spent in hiding. I admire genuineness & it's the very best quality of my husband. He KNOWS who he is & he's not afraid to be himself & he doesn't put on airs for anyone. There are so many things I love about him & so much I admire in him, but truly knowing himself is at the top of the list.
I don't know where genuineness comes from or how you become genuine, but I know that if it is "genuine" genuineness, it comes from a secure place in your being. It's something that I still search for today!
As for the "golden rule," it has been my NUMBER ONE life rule since I was a kid! My mom told me to treat other people the way I wanted to be treated, and I do, and it has worked out so well for me! I try my best to treat others the way I want to be treated, not so that I can get my way or so that I can be liked or so that I can impress anyone but because I truly believe that you reap what you sow! Even in the darkest days of my closet "life," when I hated myself & when pain was all I knew, I still tried to be kind & helpful & respectful, because, deep inside, I had kept the faith that one day, if I ever survived the darkness, it would all come back to me, as bread cast upon the waters.
Living the golden rule can't be done properly if you always expect it to bring you immediate reward. It's kinda like investing your money. A little here & a little there may not mean much, but if you keep investing, the rewards will manifest in time.
The Golden Rule has been such a cornerstone to me in my life that I really don't know how else to live. The fact is, you'd be amazed how much you can accomplish with a kind word & heartfelt smile. What is it they say about attracting more flies with honey than with vinegar! (Now, why you'd want to attract flies in the first place is beyond me!)
I apologize for the ramble again, but sometimes, the soapbox creeps up on me!!
I hope it all makes sense, though!
:-) <----(heartfelt smile)
Oh man...I agree with Grant. I'm going to hell.
He said, "I prefer to be pleasantly surprised when they do instead of bitterly disappointed when they don't."
I've been on the end of someone doing something for me and then having them FUME when I can't return the favour in the manner of their choosing.
Believe me, if you're going to do something for someone, do it 'cus you want to. That's truly being genuine.
Interesting. The golden rule expresses a reciprical favor. "...as you would have them do to unto you"
Whereas another rule expresses, "don't let your left hand know what the right is doing"
Very different ways of looking at things.
I believe we are living in a fallen world and ultimately we are trying to please ourselves. I really try not to be selfish, but even when I do something nice that no one else knows about I can't help but think, "I hope that person cares."
It's not that I have to hear the recognition. It's that the word "I" enters the equation.
So no, I don't believe there is a pure selfless act.
Ricardo: Some people have it in them and some people don’t. It’s that genuine heart – the pure motive of just wanting somebody else to be happy. You’re a rare breed my friend!
Enemy: Oooooh, the barbed wire and razor blades. I’ve seen those before. You’re absolutely right though – some hide it very well! And it is a question of who we’re trying to please as far as God or man… “It’s the Christian thing to do.” (hehe) And yes, this made way too much sense if you ask me! Thanks, Enemy!
Art: The motivation of doing good deeds are often either misconstrued or done with expectations, which eventually lead into disappointment.
Grant: ”…but I prefer to be pleasantly surprised when they do instead of bitterly disappointed when they don't.” Did you convert to Christianity, Grant? I’m starting to wonder! It’s amazing what Christian qualities you posses, even more so than the ones who claim to be “zombie worshippers” – as you call them. I absolutely loved what you said. We expect too much and then get hit with that big ol’ bag of disappointment. But is it good to expect less of someone? Is that insulting the people who you care and love? There’s a fine line. Thanks for your input!
La Delirante: You’re welcome! I remember a Seinfeld episode where they were trying to determine if ‘doing good for others was simply gratifying a selfish need in us’. It was really funny and it truly showed another side to ‘do unto others…’ It’s probably on Youtube. I should try and find it and put it up on this post! Thanks!
Jay: Well, doesn’t the golden rule apply to strangers too? Spontaneous things are always happening to me, Jay! (Unfortunately!)
Mr. C: ”…all I want is to be myself.” Could that have been said any better? GOD I felt like I said those words. I know what you mean and I applaud you for being so strong and so brave, Clarence. You truly inspire me.
Now, here’s something that you just made me think about: do unto others as you would have them do unto you – however, is it treating other people how you see fit for yourself, or is it expecting reciprocation? I think I’m learning the meaning of this golden rule through you! And never apologize for rambling. I love it when you share your life and experiences with me – especially on my blog so my readers and friends can see what an amazing person you are. Love to you!
Tai: We’ll meet you there, Tai! …No, I agree. I’ve also been on the other side of that scenario, where I expected way too much and when I was disappointed, I pouted like a child and wondered why they were so selfish. Some people are wired differently than others and don’t feel that anything should have given back. But what’s the “wrong” mindset---expecting or accepting? Difficult, especially when you’re dealing with somebody you truly love, whether it be a family member or a spouse.
Jeff: I never heard of that term, “don’t let your left hand know what the right is doing.” Hrmm. I’m trying to figure it out – it’s late right now and my brain is literally turned off. I’ll probably understand it more tomorrow morning. Do you think that people in general are just trying to be “better people” – so they help help help and then when it’s time for reciprocation and it’s not returned, do they climb back into their shell and wait for the next opportunity to ‘do good’ again? It’s like a vicious cycle it seems.
Thanks guys! I'm getting a better picture on this subject!
I'm with Grant...I try to do what I can to help others, trying NOT to expect anything in return...then, if I *DO* get something in return down the road, it's a very pleasant surprise.
I say, if you try to help others, and your motives are good, then it's all good.
Glad to see you back Deb, missed you!
I'm relying on pleasant surprises, Dabich! heh! Thanks for stopping by! My blogging breaks don't last too long...unfortunately for you guys! ;)
Get a flu shot and go help your friend.....Keep washing your hands though because it helps!
I know I sound silly but I like to smile, so my answers are ones that allow us to hurry complete the task and get back to fun stuff.......
I understand what you feel I have been in the same situation....
Hi Sugar,
I'm the type of person that's first in line to get the flu shot, however, not all strains of the flu are found in the vaccine - which scares me to bloody hell. But, I just put my faith in God and hold my breath...and of course, wash my hands a gazillion times! Thanks for stopping by!
Deb,
I personally don't like people to be around me AT ALL when I'm ill, but they insist and shower me with attention.
Do they do it to make me happy? NO, they know it makes me feel worse.
They do it out of *guilt*. They want to lift the guilt off of themselves so *they* feel happy.
I guess the question is do you want to be with your friend to make your friend happy and because they need you there? or do you want to do it to make yourself feel like a better friend?
Does making your friend happy make you happy in return?
If so, one would say that the motivation most certainly stems from the ego. Not that this is a bad thing, I think it's just human nature to do things to please one's self.
Hmmm, well I worry that she's alone and sick. I felt bad. So, is it out of guilt that I helped her out? But, all in all, it's about "me" feeling something - be it guilt or ego - is it still a motive?
Hard call, right?
You should check out "The Selfish Gene," by Richard Dawkins...pretty interesting read on social biology, motives, altruism, human nature, natural selection...
I think true genuineness does exist, though at times rare (perhaps most times rare).
It comes down to that idea of whether altruism has a selfish component or not. Knowing people the way I do, I think that yes, we do have selfish motivations for doing the right things because we are humans and thus flawed.
However, better we be flawed in helpful ways than in hurtful ones!
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