Friday, December 14, 2007

People Suck

Have you ever been used by somebody you cared about--not even necessarily relationship-wise, but used in the terms of them taking advantage of your good nature? We’re supposed to give without expectations and expect nothing more than a ‘thank you’ or some sort of appreciation. But what if that appreciation isn’t reciprocated or acknowledged? It shouldn’t matter, right? But, deep down inside, we feel this horrible twinge of sadness, because we've done so much for this person and we didn’t even get an acknowledgment. What’s an acknowledgement? Maybe it’s just a “thank you”. Or maybe, it’s some sort of gesture to indicate that it was needed; a sigh of relief.

I was really hurt by a friend today. I feel bitter. I feel used. I feel all these negative things that I want to get out of my system. I hate feeling this way. I want to understand “why”, but sometimes, there are people out there that are brought up differently, or they don’t have it in their hearts to realize what they’re doing to others.

So, right now, I feel like I’m done trying to give give give to this one person who needed help. I’m tapped out. I’m tapped out of sympathy, compassion and understanding right now. I really feel bad and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It’s going to be hard to let somebody “in” again.

Have you ever experienced being used before? Even if it was just for your time and patience---just listening to them when they cried over the phone about their debts, their heartaches or other problems they may have been having. Did you ever find yourself giving them gifts just to cheer them up or writing them a little friendly note just to let them know how special they are and then get slapped right back in the face again?

I don’t understand people sometimes. Maybe you can enlighten me… I feel like I’m being intolerant. Yes---intolerant to other people’s behaviors. Is it me?

Maybe you can help me see it differently...

33 comments:

Grant said...

I had something similar happen with my former Japanese teacher. I didn’t enjoy her lessons because they felt more like verbal assaults than light-hearted learning, but I thought we had developed something of a friendship over the last couple of years because I had invited her and her husband out to dinner with my friends (and paid) a few times, plus we exchanged e-mails and I shared things with her and her other students, like Japanese publications and fancy chocolates (the latter was for her – she needs to gain weight). I finally quit taking lessons from her because the experience was so unpleasant, but I claimed it was due to work to spare her feelings. Note – I know this to be her preference. When out to dinner, she confided in a female friend that she worried that I skipped my lesson one week because I was mad at her (I was). My friend said she thought I would let her know if I was angry, to which my teacher responded by saying “Oh, no, I would hope he wouldn’t tell me” with a look of horror.

Anyway, I dropped her as my teacher but wanted to keep her as a friend. As it turns out, now that I’m not paying her $45 a week to verbally abuse me, the books and chocolates and free meals for her and her husband and the assistance with her English papers (I helped raise her grade from a low B to a solid A) are not enough to validate my continued existence in her life. She stuck around for a while, asking when work would allow me to pay her for Japanese lessons again, but I think she finally realized I didn’t want to return and so now my usefulness to her is at an end.

Well – that was lovely.

I’m used to being disappointed by people in general, so I’m not hurt to the point where I don’t feel like trusting anyone anymore. Not that I really do, anyway – as I said, I expect this kind of behavior eventually. I think you’ll recover if you’re not too much of a wuss – just think positively like me. She almost single-handedly broke me of my interest in Japan (I’m considering a switch to Spanish), but I’m thinking about all the money I’m saving now that my rent-a-friend is gone (dining at Emeril’s is not cheap). So, one more person let you down. That’s one less Christmas card this year, and now you know she’s not to be trusted. Tape her picture to your dartboard and move on.

In the meantime, there is always booze to lighten your mood, plus recent studies have shown that the pain from betrayals like this can be attenuated by dressing as a naughty Catholic Asian bunny schoolgirl and then posting pictures on your blog. Also, Satan loves you. He just told me.

You’re welcome. :p

~Deb said...

Even my little Satan worshipping friend gives me hope. Although you pray to the fallen angel, I think you have a really warm heart---a vulnerable heart that allows people to penetrate that beautiful soul of yours…

I am so hurt. I’m torn, because the one person that I always thought would be the beacon of light for me turned out to be the huge iceberg in the way of my ship trying to get back to land.

Your story really enlightened me. Thank you, Grant. I really appreciate you opening up to me—more than you know!

~Deb said...

I'm. just. hurt.

Flip Flop Momma said...

yup, yup...i know exactly what u mean..

~Deb said...

{{hugs}} to you Flip Flop! Miss ya!

TK Kerouac said...

There are givers and takers, this person sounds like a taker.
I have a friend like this, she is an only child, wonder if that has anything to do with it.

Oh, and an old boyfriend who was a selfish user,
just part of his personality.
Once your burned by that type
its easier to recognize it in others.

~Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~Deb said...

Tk: I've experienced this before and I've opened my eyes to it more than I have in the past. The thing that gets me is that I hear a lot of "chatter" but not a lot of action. Now, mind you, I DON'T ask for much...just appreciation----or something that lets me know that I helped in some way.

Do I sound selfish? Am I overreacting? I just don't understand how some people ~work~...

I'm really hurt over this and she doesn't understand why I'm hurt either---which hurts me even more.

Does that make any sense?

Maybe it's me.

Mariposa said...

I posted something like this in my blog before, I said, I have accepted the fact that I had been used and had allowed it to happen... I do understand what you're trying to say...and had gone through similar experiences in the past...I got hurt too, I also said the word..."I will never..." yet I did it again and agin.

My Mom told me story about a man and a scorpion. The scorpion got stuck between the roots of a big tree and the man, helped the scorpion and took the risk of being stung...and indeed he was stung. Another man came by and told that man, what are you trying to do? Are you crazy? Why are helping that scorpion when you know it's the scorpion's nature to sting. Then the man replied, I know it's his nature to sting, but will that be enough to stop my nature to help?

Count your blessings...be glad you are in the position to help...sending you happy thoughts to cheer you up!

(((hugs)))

~Deb said...

Mariposa: Thank you. I don't want to change anybody, but it makes me sad to think that there are people out there that don't appreciate our efforts.

Again, thanks!

Anonymous said...

Great song, but I dedicated this to my ex-boyfriend. It's from Dan Wilson.

"One more long and lonely night
Left here on my own
Do you wanna make me wanna cry?
I lost my baby in the fight
I don't know where you've gone
Do you wanna make we wanna cry?

So I lie alone
And I wonder where you've gone
And I dream you're mine
Wide awake

Don't you want to make me feel
Like I'm a thousand stories high?
Don't you want to make me feel
I'll never fail, I'll never die?
Don't you want to set me free
We'll override the history
Turn to find our destiny
And never turn away

The devil was an angel once
beautiful like you
Do you wanna make me wanna cry?
I don't care how far you fall
I'll you when you do
Do you wanna make me wanna cry?

So I close my eyes
Try to hold my head up high
And I pray my soul
Not to break

Don't you want to make me feel
Like I'm a thousand stories high?
Don't you want to make me feel
I'll never fail, I'll never die?
Don't you want to set me free
We'll override the history
Turn to find our destiny
And never turn away

Do you really want to say goodbye?
Do you want to make me want to cry?

Don't you want to make me feel
Like I'm a thousand stories high?
Don't you want to make me feel
I'll never fail no matter why
Don't you want to set me free
We'll override the history
Turn to find our destiny
Never turn away from me

Don't you want to make me feel
Like I'm a thousand stories high?
Don't you want to make me feel
I'll never fail, I'll never die?
Don't you want to set me free
We'll override the history
Turn to find our destiny
And never turn away

Do you really want to say goodbye?
Do you want to make me want to cry?

Do you want to make me want to cry?"

Maybe this applies, I don't know.

Anonymous said...

C'est la vie, baby......
I've experienced what you described (unfortunately) on a few occassions. You just have to move on, but don't make that same mistake again with this particular person. Also, I don't advise you to change the way you are. It's a beautiful thing to be a loving, compassionate and giving person. Don't allow that to be spoiled by one (or a few) person who doesn't appreciate...it's there loss, not yours! Big Hugs to you....I know exactly how you feel. Astrid

Enemy of the Republic said...

Relationships always disappoint us on some level, but to be used...well, yeah that sucks! You are hurt right now and beginning to lick your wounds. Don't feel guilty for being hurt and angry.

How have I been used? Let me count the ways. I think one of the worst concerns my family. Many stories there, but I will share one and it has been in my blog. My niece was out of control, a teenager. My older sister, who clearly had designs on my husband, would call him at all hours to come help her. And he would go. I didn't want to interfere as my niece is my blood, but I had the better rapport with the girl and I was being shut out. I even went over there once to say: I want to see my niece and my sister said that I couldn't, only she and my husband knew what was going on. I replied: You are right on one account--he is MY husband. My own sister was chasing my husband and refusing me to see my niece. Finally she got mad at my niece and threw her out of the house in the middle of the night. We took her and she lived with us for months. I never got a thank you from my sister. Sometimes she would stop by and barge into my house if I had been stupid enough to leave my door open--I had to throw her out. She would go after my niece and I almost called the cops.

There is more but this is bad enough. I only recently began talking to her again. It took me a while to let go of that anger. I haven't figured out what hurt me the most: denial of seeing my niece who is like my own daugther to me, my sister trying to establish a relationship with my husband or us assuming responsibility of a drug addicted teen with arrests and we never got a thank you or finacial help.

Like Grant, I find it hard to trust.

mikster said...

Some people's moral compasses are out of whack. They take and take and just can't, or won't, give back.

Nancy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nancy said...

I'm so sorry, Deb, about your friend. I tend to be trusting and naive about people, and that has bitten me a few times. I have learned some painful lessons.

I was just talking to my sister-in-law today about healthy boundaries with others and when to terminate a relationship with those who hurt us over and over. She said she is doing a church class right now that looks at healthy boundaries explained in the Bible. I am anxious to hear what she has learned. All I know now is that I do not believe God ever intended us to be doormats!

Big hugs to you. Hope you find some resolution and closure to this issue.

Just_because_today said...

We give as much as we want to give and our disappointment is as large as what we expected to receive. Therefore, if we expected nothing in return, why are we disappointed? We give because we want to give and the person we give to is not always available to give back so we hurt. Once we give just for the sake of giving, we'll be at peace.

I am not there

Caroline said...

I was just feeling this tonight. Normally at work I always feel appreciated. But this past week I have worked so much and have felt little appreciation. At first I was feeling bad for feeling bad. In my personal life I also feel this way with one person in particular. I feel like I give and give with very little returned to me.

Sending you lots of hugs!!!

~Deb said...

Wow. Thank you. So I'm not alone in this. I know...give without expectations...but sometimes I feel as though I want to know that the person I love & trust as a friend will be there for me, as I am with her. They're only human, right?

Thank you for sharing all of your stories and past experiences with me. I really appreciate that!

Randi said...

My friendship has been misused from time to time, and I've found the best way to get over it is a nice margarita with plenty of tequila.

Just kidding.

I guess what I do is try to evaluate the relationship--to see if the "using" is something that is just in my head, or if it's real.

Then, if it is real, I talk to that friend/relation and tell them how I feel. What they say in return, I use to decide the future of the friendship.

~Deb said...

I did have my share of cocktails afterwards....believe me! But, it does make a lot of sense, what you said. She did explain herself and I guess I just expected too much from someone that didn't realize why I was upset or what was going on. This has happened quite a few times. We're all human, right? *sigh* Still doesn't make me feel better though. I feel bad for even feeling bad....does that make any sense at all?

Thanks!

thewishfulwriter said...

I'm sorry you were hurt by someone you care about.

I think it's happened to all of us - and truth be told, I'm sure I've done my fair share of hurting others (un-intentionally).

If this is someone you care about (and if this is unusual behavior for them), I think talking about it will help you move past it and stop being angry.

However, if this is a person who is toxic and constantly using you, I agree it's best to let him/her go. All relationships require work and effort from both people.

Probably the best quote I've ever heard to illustrate what I'm talking about is:

never make someone a priority when, to them, you're only an option.

thinking about you!

~Deb said...

Thewishfulwriter: WOW.

Thank you.

QUASAR9 said...

There are so many I wouldn't know where to start

QUASAR9 said...

The young mother I laid
her fella taking a jump off a cliff

QUASAR9 said...

my best friends love (wife to be)
but I just couldn't resist jumping into bed with her

QUASAR9 said...

The pretty gal I slept with
and tried to avoid the next day (and thereafter) without a second thought for her emotions, or any concerns about possible pregnancy

QUASAR9 said...

And those are my better days
I daren't even mention those days when I've been really 'bad' online

QUASAR9 said...

But I am trying to be a 'better' person. Possibly because I'm getting older (if not wiser) and possibly because I'm all sinned out

~Deb said...

I guess it's all a learning experience, Quasar. I know for myself, that I'm not perfect...but sometimes it's frustrating.

Thanks for sharing all of that!

kathi said...

One thing I've learned is that I'm not responsible for the way anyone acts, reacts or responds but myself. I can't control their actions or emotions, but I can control mine. Regardless of what your friend has done, remain true to who you are and what you stand for.
Peace out. :)

Ricardo said...

I have wondered about this myself sometimes when I make the hard decision to cut someone off. I'd like to see myself as an open minded guy but sometimes there are things where I just have to draw the line.

As for being used, you owe this individual nothing if that's what they were doing. It was never really a friendship since it was predicated on manipulation. You don't need these people and you needn't bother yourself for cutting them off.

I've been used in a manner similar to what you describe. It's time to stop giving. They're vampires.

Good luck!

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