Saturday, November 24, 2007

Waiting For the Train

There are two things in life to which I borderline loathing: gray areas (not knowing where I stand in life) and the in between process from depression to extreme happiness. I call it the “eh” stage. Some would call it the mediocre or content stage of your life. In the process of being caught in that gray area, it’s almost as if there’s no feeling at all. You can either take it or leave it. It’s just “eh”. Whatever. Things could be worse, but things could be much better. I’ve always fluctuated from being severely depressed, then rose up to that middle stage only to climb the stairs of extreme happiness. Doc says I don’t have bi-polar disorder, that I’m normal and that these stages are perfectly fine. I disagree, but I’m not sure if I prefer it this way. I don’t think being bi-polar or manic-depressive is a bad thing. Let me explain…

In a depressive state-of-mind, I become analytical, more spiritual, extremely creative to where I write a helluva’ lot more and create new and different songs on my guitar. I delve into my artistic and music side and usually do my best work when I’m in my most depressive state. I feel like my IQ goes up a notch and I become this eccentric, cynical, artistic wacko with a touch of sarcasm. Sadly, the sarcasm never leaves me on either stage. That’s something that others will have to deal with.

In the mediocre stage, I become numb. I’m not creative, nor is my thinking process running properly. I literally don’t give a rat’s ass about anything. I’m just ‘there’. I merely exist; hoping something better will come along. I’m just here for the ride and there is nothing on this earth for me. It sounds depressing, but it’s worse. I know that the in between stage should be better than depression—but it’s not! It drains me of all my creative juices and takes away my spirituality to where I nearly have forgotten about it. I hate this stage more than the others.

In the ‘happy stage’, terrific things are preoccupying my mind, where as I don’t think about anything negative. I can do anything! Everything’s possible! Everything is ‘joy joy joy’, and nothing seems to affect me. I almost become numb to things that should affect me, yet I have these blinders up to where I don’t see the train coming my way. I’m standing right on the tracks, dancing out of pure bliss and being “happy”, when I’m not seeing the bigger picture, or the reality of things. This means, that at any given moment, that train can hit me faster than I thought. This usually leaves me crashing down into my deepest depressive state-of-mind, bypassing the mediocre stage.

What was I happy about?

Here’s an interesting twist that I’ve come across lately: I’ve found a stage where both depression and happiness reside. They live together peacefully…or erratically. With my new circumstances, I’m very excited about my new home- my new life. I’m thrilled to be making such a huge change for myself. I feel there is something better out there for me- instead of just feeling as though ‘I just exist’. It’s a healthy move for me, both metaphorically and in the physical sense. I’m happy, because I know this is the best thing for me.

The sadness comes in, because I have to leave the old life behind. Old being my former life here, again, both metaphorically and in the physical sense. There are people, places and things that will be left behind. I can always come back to visit, but it will never be the same again. I am no longer a resident. I also speak in terms of being in people’s lives. Believe me, my parents will always be in my lif--they can’t get rid of me that quick--or vise/versa. I’m speaking of those who knew me and who were with me throughout somewhat years on a personal level, which I must leave behind. There are some people who cannot mix well together- like oil and water. No matter how hard you try to mesh them together, they will always fall apart. It’s unhealthy for the two to be in one another’s lives, leaving both to separate and go their own ways.

I guess, in a sense, it’s like being a born again. You have to leave your old former life to become a new Christian. Things, thoughts, desires, sins and past behaviors have to be left behind. (Not to say they can’t resurface in the future.) The old life crumbles and a new life begins. It’s the struggle to combine the pure joy and happiness to the depressing ending of the old life; a touch of the “bittersweet” with a heaping spoonful of knowledge that this is the right direction.

Do you find you do your best work while being in a depressive state-of-mind?