Monday, November 19, 2007

The Seeds of Doubt

There’s always something tugging me back; holding me from whatever it is I want to do. It’s a debilitating feeling that has me kept inside my own prison: anxiety. Where does it come from and why does it persist? I’ve dealt with anxiety for a very long time – half my life actually. Sometimes it’s not bad, and other times, it’s so debilitating that it prevents me from doing everyday tasks. I can control it, but there are times when I just give up and let it take over. That part, of course, is my own fault.

I read something today that encouraged me.

“God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.” ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

Underneath the passage there was more…

“Debilitating fear is not from the Lord. We can call upon God’s Spirit to give us the power to face our foes, the love to overcome evil with good, and the discipline to persevere through our trials. We have been given the power to turn from fear to faith.”

And that right there tells me that I need more faith; more focus on God. When I turn to God and give Him all my problems as I go about my day, I have no fear---I have strength and courage. When I try to resolve life’s little problems all by myself—without the help of God, I seem to fail. With all these new changes in my life, I have so many emotions going through me. I’m excited to start my life in a new home and start my career and have a life I’ve always dreamed of. The other side of me says, “This is going to increase your anxiety levels and what if this doesn’t work out and what if that doesn’t work out?”

It’s the “what ifs” that really plant the seeds of doubt. Then, I realized, the one who plants the seeds of doubt is the devil. God never plants the seed of doubt in anyone. God encourages and uplifts you. He wants you to be strong and courageous and to fight your fears. Sometimes, God even puts a person in our life that’ll plant seeds of discouragement. “What if you get anxiety while out on your own?” That in itself will give me the jitters. People say things out of concern, this I know, but sometimes their concerns turns into other people’s anxieties. I don’t place blame on anyone who has questioned me regarding my anxiety disorder and moving in a location that’s unfamiliar to me, but I wonder if they know that it’s planting the seeds of discouragement…

I don’t want to live with the spirit of fear and doubt. I want to be strong, courageous and face all of my fears and phobias, without the ‘what ifs’. I want the people around me to encourage me, instead of encouraging the enemy---fear. I ask that all the people in my life, my friends, my family and loved ones would help strengthen me, instead of trying to discourage me from something that I’ve always dreamed to do. This would help greatly. For whatever reason why the people in my life who are discouraging me from making this huge decision---please know that you’ll always be in my life. I’m not going anywhere but to another location and to a better state of mind. It’s just healthier. I promise.

Any prayers would be appreciated, to take away my anxiety and panic attacks.