Thursday, November 08, 2007

Indescribable

Here I am at the same spot, drinking my double espresso latte without the muffin, because I’m not quite hungry. It’s crowded more than usual in the café and my tolerance for people is next to zero. I had to wait to get this tiny little table so I could write about nothing. Some overzealous buffoon on his Bluetooth bumped into me, making me almost lose my balance on the long line ahead of me, hoping his aggressiveness will get him further in line…or maybe further in life. I’m sure he’s single and has been for a very long time. The lady’s perfume in front of me was gagging me half to death and making my asthma kick in overtime. I was ready to hose her down with Poland Spring.

I get to my little table and set everything up. The echoes of every wannabe executive in that café on their cell phones were making me nuts. I instantly got ADD. I tried to focus, but all I could manage to do was read the headlines on Yahoo News. My eyes were dry and foggy. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep. I’ve been losing my breath at night, jumping out of my skin desperate to get air back into my lungs. It happened about 5 times last night. I don’t have sleep apnea or anything- it’s just my anxiety. It feels like I’m drying.

Numb. That’s how I’ve been explaining how I feel…until today. Everything seems to be coming up to the surface and I can’t manage to keep a tear in. I couldn’t dissimulate myself from how I truly felt this morning. I’m torn. I’m happy, but I’m sad. I’m calm, yet I have so much damn anxiety. I feel like I’m on the brink of maundering obscenities in front of this entire crowd! “SHUT THE FUG UP ALREADY AND GET YOUR DAMN COFFEE!” But I can’t. That would be…uncivilized. It also would ruin my reputation of being a “good Christian’. Christians don’t curse, I hear. Maybe they don’t give a rat’s ass about the concept of imperfection and how to be human. Everyone else is crazy.

As I sit here looking at all these “put together” people trying to scramble their way to their crack dealer (coffee clerk) and zip off to work on time, it’s amazing how some of these people aren’t what they appear to be. Take for instance, this woman standing yards away from me waiting on line. She’s absolutely stunning. Her straightened blonde hair sits beautifully on her small-framed shoulders. Her eyes are piercing blue- almost as if she could see right through me. She’s wearing a beautiful long wool coat with a built in scarf draping down, almost reaching her midsection. Her slacks are freshly pressed and the boots she has on are 3-inch black leather heels. She’s so “put together”. She makes no expression as the other people are literally yelling over one another to talk to whomever on their cell phones. People are pushing and shoving; yet she’s absolutely impassive to everything around her. What is she thinking? Will she just lose it after a while and say, “SHUT THE FUG UP ALREADY AND GET YOUR DAMN COFFEE!!!” No. She stands there so patiently. She must be a Christian.

I wonder what’s underneath that patient leniency. Some people show their true colors behind closed doors or only around certain people. They don’t want to ruin their reputations or be known as “crazy”. Maybe to be known as…a human! Just the thought! I wonder if people realize how they truly appear to other people. Have you ever witnessed yourself on a video camera and said, “Oh my God, I look and sound like that?” It’s the same concept. People think they’re doing one thing, yet people see a whole entire different clip of them. It’s kind of interesting really. “Oh I take bad pictures.” No, you just looked like shit in a lot of them. So what?

If you don’t like yourself, then recreate yourself. If you don’t like what you see on film or on a camera, then change it. If you don’t like what others are saying about you, then make sure that you’re the one that’s ok with your behavior and appearance. It’s as simple as that. People can think and say what they want, but the bottom line is what you think. ...What does God think?

What about those “reformed people”? I’m talking about the entire klan here---from reformed smokers, to those who have physically, emotionally and sexually abused people in their past, to recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. Isn’t it funny how “some” of them almost forget their past and judge you to death? They are now wise and prestigious; above our level and able to make choices for us. “Oh don’t do that and don’t do this!” Put a sock in it, stop judging us and remember where you came from. Remember the forgiveness that has been given to you—not only from God, but from the people you have hurt.

I’m sick of hypocrites. And you thought this was going to be a happy post? Check in tomorrow.