Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Inevitable Change

Thank you for those who commented on my previous post. It was an unfortunate mishap that turned out to be an outburst from something that had nothing to do with me. I understand him all too well though, because I’m just like him at times. While staying at a friend’s house, I received numerous calls from my mother upset, asking me to talk to my father. She said he was crying. This big man full of power---crying? He apologized, but not in the conventional way you would think. There’s no verbal, “I’m sorry”, or anything of that nature. It’s gifts or underlying jokes and gestures, implying that “it’s okay”. I accepted his “apology”. It’s his way. Instead of walking in, leaving him with a questionable look on his face, I ran over to him and gave him a big kiss and a hug. The big bully giggled.

“Sit and eat! I maydja’ some pot roast!”
“Ya fatha’ made it, Deb.”
My mother said, trying to put all the credit onto my father. They’re both a team in the kitchen. At that point, I wasn’t very hungry, because I lacked a good night’s sleep and cried for most of the time I was away from my apartment. Everything in my life has been a bit uneasy this week. I haven’t been all that well. The only thing that has progressed in a positive way, was facing my fears. I did everything I set out to do, from going to the gym by myself, heading to the supermarket and walking in a crowded street full of shops and caf├ęs.

Still, there was something missing. I’m coming to terms with change. People change, we all get older, stronger, weaker, more stubborn, more understanding, less communicative, too chatty, more fatigued, less active, too tense, more loved, and less in love with life and/or people.

What triggers change? What’s the underlying reason why people’s feelings change? I know age has to do with a lot of physical ailments, but what’s the reasoning for our very own feelings changing, towards someone or something? When do we even notice that these changes start to occur? Does age manipulate the way we see things for what they are?

As I look outside my office window, I’ve been noticing how drastically the weather has been changing lately, from 95 degree weather, to 55 degree rainy days. Right now it’s raining heavily. There’s fog moving past the mountain caps slowly, and some starting to develop on the water. One day it’s bright and sunny, and the next is rainy and dreary. I feel like the weather should be on some sort of antidepressant. But, it just makes me realize how much we have to accept change. Nothing ever stays the same. Everything constantly moves, manifests and develops into something else; something new. If we get too comfortable where we are now, we’ll be disappointed when that time for “change” begins.

Expect change. Expect that some people will fall out of your world, as well as new ones falling into your world. Expect new opportunities arising, as well as the same ones you’ve always had and known, crumbling into pieces before your very eyes. God can take away the things you have just as fast as He has given them to you.

These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. ~Habakkuk 2:3

Ironically, that’s how it is with life. Change doesn’t always have to take place right away. It’s usually slow and steady, like the rain that’s falling outside today. Patiently I await for the next step; the next “change”.

If you’re too worried about waiting it out, this is a passage that always helps me:

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 4:6-7

I guess it’s safe to say that we’re all uncertain about where life will lead us and which new people will be walking in and out of our doors, but a great source of comfort is knowing that God will always be there.

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. ~Isaiah 43:2

I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. ~Isaiah 46:4

And always remember:

He orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. ~Psalm 91:11

Why should we be scared? It’s the reason why I’m facing all my fears lately. With God’s help, I can do anything.


Flip Flop Goddess said...

well, I am glad your father "made ammends"

how was da potroast deb?

Taz said...

Your mother sounds like a fantastic peacekeeper. Glad you are on better terms with your dad too.

anxiety is never easy, and I hope the situation that's causing it improves for you.

Thanks for the good wishes on my blog. Right back atcha *sends good vibes*

~Deb said...

Flip Flop Goddess: He did, in his own way! Da’ pot roast was, muah!

Taz: She’s a peacekeeper, but she’s also a good liar. You don’t really know if the other person is willing to make up or not. You just hear, “Oh so and so is sorry, come and see them,” and then they’re completely shocked when you arrive. It’s kind of funny…when you’re the other person looking in.
You’re welcome, Taz, nothing like shots of oysters to spend your day!

SJ said...

I probably shouldn't say this but why do you stay in physical proximity to them - most people don't and still are "close" to their parents. Just me opinion.

~Deb said...

Sj: It's really not that bad here. I have the entire upstairs portion, with a beautiful view of the lakes and mountains, and most of the time, my parents and I get along really well. I also like to look out for them since they're getting older. Plus, the real estate in my area and property tax is unheard of. I'm waiting for the right opportunity to come my way. Patience is a virtue...or a blessing.

Art said...

I'm glad your dad reached out like that... That story yesterday really touched me. I did pray for you and I hope things continue to go well.

mishy said...

Change is always good, Deb. Remember that the high being who watches over you will remain faithful and fulfill your levels of happiness back to where they once were. You’ll be restored and renewed like never before. Embrace change and let those new opportunities and new people knock on your door. You deserve nothing but happiness.

TrappedInColorado said...

Wow. Deb! I just read your last 2 posts. I'm stunned! I can not imagine my father chasing after me in a rage.. forcing me to jump in my car and drive to a safe place. Was Madeline able to get to the car too? Even though my posting days may be over I still check your blog every day.

BTW... I'm off Level, on Bellavadere now. I always see Kettle One next to these other vodkas but will not try one until I have a martini with you. :)


~Deb said...

Art: Thank you. It was very hard to write, because I truly did have a great childhood, however, those outbursts that were seldom still lingers in my mind. The best thing you could have done for me was pray----I really appreciate that more than you know!

Mishy: That’s what they say. I’m trying to believe that. I know that everything needs to change, and I’m facing it head on, with God being by my side. The last time I faced change without the help of God, it destroyed me. Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement. You’re such a blessing!

Trapped: It was scary. The last time something like that happened, was when I was 16 yrs old holding a huge party. A few guys broke out in a fight and my father got really upset. Totally understandable. But, at the age of 33, I shouldn’t be running for my life for the love of God! Anyway, that’s behind us now and I have forgiven him. I love that guy- regardless of his weird outbursts that come from nowhere. He’s getting older and he’s in pain sometimes, so I have to be patient. Oh, and from what I was told, he was far behind me as I had previously thought. I guess age tinkers with your speed!
As far as Level, I was quite impressed with it! I do have to say that Ketel One is still my favorite. We’ll have to exchange martinis one day my friend! Thanks for stopping by—I totally appreciated that! Missed ya!

just me said...

Yep. Still wishing you gentleness and comfort and peace and joy and and and. And I agree these are touching honest posts....

GW Mush said...

Im so glad that things were patched up quickly:)

Luv ya Deb!

Natalia said...

I am one to think that most change is good. Change generally comes about if there is something that is not good or not working or not giving you what you need. Change comes from need. People are scared of change. And that plays a part in being stuck.


~Deb said...

Just Me: That’s very nice of you---thank you so much!

GW Mush: Me too. Thank you for your input! I really appreciate it, GW!

Nat: Well that makes a whole lotta’ sense, doesn’t it? I guess I’m lacking some things in my life that I was afraid to admit. (Or have admitted to and has been chastised for it!) Whenever I say, “I need this”, sometimes people think I’m expecting too much and I’m really not. I guess you’re right---I am stuck. You always make me see things in a different view. Thanks Nat! xxoo

kathi said...

"Nothing ever stays the same. Everything constantly moves, manifests and develops into something else; something new. If we get too comfortable where we are now, we’ll be disappointed when that time for “change” begins."
This is about as true as it gets in life...well written.

Samantha said...

I'm so glad you wrote this entry, I've been dealing with a lot of change in my life recently and your chosen passages have really helped. Thanks.

~Deb said...

Kathi: Thank you... I really feel that's the way life goes and it took me this long to figure it all out.

Samantha: I'm so glad the passages helped. Whenever I write about something that's close to my heart, or something that I may be going through at the time, it helps me to not only read the passages, but to write it out. Thanks so much!

thepoetryman said...

So very glad I stumbled upon your site... Will return to persue in full.


Enemy of the Republic said...

No sweat, kiddo.

Catch said...

Im so glad you and Dad made amends Deb. I knew you were full of pain over it....I bet he was too! So glas its ok now.