Thursday, July 26, 2007

I've Gone Ex-Gay...

It’s true- I’ve become an ex-gay. It was easier than I thought. All I had to do was listen to what other Christians told me. I’ve begun the process of separating all my belongings that were meshed in with my partner’s. Since I’m not a lesbian anymore, this means I can’t continue living with my partner. She has to find a new home now. This means we’ll have to divide our funds and make sure whose money’s whose. We’ll also have to sort out some things along the way. It’ll be easier than we thought.

It was such an impulsive thing- being with my partner for all these years. That’s what they said. They said I went on my “impulses” of my flesh. Hmm, maybe they’re right. Maybe I did go on my impulses when I chose to wait it out two years, before deciding if I wanted to be with this person for the rest of my life. That’s considered “impulsive”, isn’t it? The process of getting to know her and her family were so impulsive of me. It took me a couple of years to develop a close relationship with them. It was too short of a time if you ask me…and the other Christians who support me in this.

I had planned a nice stuffed chicken dinner tonight, along with a healthy serving of vegetables and salad. I searched through a recipe book to find out which one my partner would like best. So impulsive, I know. I just thought she would enjoy her meal after a hard day’s work. I thought about the wonderful conversation we would have over dinner, discussing topics that include God, politics and family. Those types of conversations aren’t productive anyway, right?

I cleaned the house today. I made sure that everything was disinfected and tidy, so that my partner would be comfortable coming home to a clean house. I scrubbed the floors, the walls and even the windows. I cleaned the sheets with strong bleach and made sure the carpets were fully vacuumed, because she has very bad allergies. Hmm, my impulsive nature kicked in again.

I even bought her favorite movie yesterday, so we could watch it tonight after dinner. I thought it would be a nice relaxing way to wind down from the day’s stressors. I was planning to give her a foot rub, just in case she was on her feet all day. But now, she has to leave, because the "Christians" told me she needs to, in order for us to go to heaven. I guess I’ll put the massage lotion back in its place, the chicken dinner I’ll freeze for a family event, and I’ll send back the movie she loves. It was so impulsive of me to do all of these things for her. To just fathom the thought of going to hell for doing all of these isn’t worth it.

Tomorrow morning is going to be hard. We usually sit around the table, drinking coffee and enjoying our breakfast together before we start work. I like to prepare a healthy breakfast before she leaves, so she’s full until lunchtime. I usually brownbag her lunch and send a little message inside her bag, letting her know that I miss and love her. But those types of impulsive behaviors were so bad for me. I feel bad for dragging her into this mess.

This weekend, I wanted us to work in the garden together. We usually enjoy this activity, because we laugh and joke around, as we plant and do yard work. It’s a team effort and we have a system that works well. I guess I’ll have to find a buddy or family member to do this with. Maybe one of my new "Christian" friends will help me?

I was looking forward to grabbing some Starbuck's coffee and sitting on the bench near the lake watching the sunset with her this weekend, as we usually do. Now, I’ll have to go by myself and think about the wonderful memories we’ve created throughout the years we’d been together.

I’m looking forward to my new life being an ex-gay. I wonder how long my “Christian friends” will still be there still supporting me.