Thursday, February 22, 2007

My Own Prison

And when I say people are insincere with their advice on how to deal with depression, it’s meant in the terms of those who haven’t experienced it themselves. They think it’s just a ‘sad day’ and that it’ll pass. They truly believe there’s a root cause of it all. “Well something must have happened.” No. “Oh, she’s probably having a fight with her girlfriend.” No again. My girlfriend is the only thing keeping me alive actually! (Of course second to God’s help.) I’m torn between those who belittle the feelings of depression and those who have no idea how to approach the matter delicately. There is no delicate approach actually. The attempt to communicate is enough effort to me. The attempt to make me laugh is even greater!

Maybe I’m self-loathing, self-centered, self-analyzing, self-diagnosing and most of all, self-destructive. My therapist says, “I’m okay”. I don’t need medication to help me. He says that I have ‘generalized anxiety’, and that I’m not experiencing anything different from anyone else. It’s normal. Is it normal to cry for hours upon hours for absolutely no reason at all? Is it normal to have a nervous breakdown, smashing my framed photography all over my studio leaving shards of glass everywhere? Is it normal to totally shut down and not comprehend one word someone is trying to tell you after a mini breakdown? You can hear the words, you can think the words you want to say, but you have no ability to take action. You’re completely shut down and helpless. My doctor feels that it’s part of life. ‘It’s normal’.

Someone close said to me, “Well maybe you shouldn’t be writing this in your blog.” Well why the hell not? Sure I have tons of faith in God and I know that He’s with me every step of the way. God has a plan for me – but why does He have to use me in this manner? I don’t know. I know I’m being attacked by the evil one. The thing of it is, the closer you get to God, the more the devil seeks out to kill, steal and destroy any joy you have. My faith is way too strong. Let the devil try to attack me. His ass will be kicked back into the depths of hell. It’s a war. Bring it!

Satan has a powerful gun that he uses filled with ammunition like no other. The ammunition used is thoughts. First he strikes you with the thought of unworthiness. You’re not worthy enough of God’s love. God hates you because you’re a sinner. Then he throws guilt into his gun and shoots you with it. It leaves you with the feeling of way too much guilt to even try to approach God with your problems. If that doesn’t get to you, he’ll fire out some self-loathing bullets. You’ll be sure to crumble with that one. That’s a strong bullet that’s hard to heal from. If you recover from that, he’ll shoot you down a few times with hopelessness. You’ll feel fatigued and too tired too do anything you once loved.

Still not getting to you?

Then he’ll strike you down with the thoughts of taking your own life. Why should you live anyway? You’re not making an impact in this world and you’re not needed. You’re more of a nuisance than a pleasure to be around. People are annoyed with you. Just take your life and end it! You’re worthless! The devil will invoke any kind of imprecation he can use.

Stuck in my own mind, as though I were waiting in a jail cell pleading for someone to release me, someone to bail me out, I find myself in the state of delirium. Irrational thoughts fly through my brain like a firework display on the 4th of July. What’ll they think of me? They must think I’m crazy. Maybe they think I’m just playing ‘make believe’ and playing the role of being depressed. Are they taking me seriously? It’s not their responsibility to see me get better…it’s my own. But they say it’s not my fault. I want to believe it’s not my fault, however I got myself into this mess. Why can’t I get out? Why can’t anyone hear me? I start banging my cup on the bars and begin screaming for the guard. “Help! Someone get me out of here!” No one hears me. It’s silent. Is anyone else in the cells nearby? Everyone’s out playing basketball in the courtyard socializing and having a life. They didn’t let me out for recess. Maybe I’ll sit on my cot and read the bible. Maybe God can help me. Maybe He’ll let me out of this prison I’m in.

What save me are the people in my life who make me laugh and who accept me for who I am. My friends have been more than wonderful – calling and checking up on me. (Thank you Lisa A. & Heather!) Alyssa & Sue – I love you both! Madelene has seen me through the roughest part of my mini breakdown. I want to apologize to her as well as say thank you for being there for me and seeing me through it all. Amy has been a gem – in fact, our little trip to Target made it all worthwhile. (A video of that is on its way tomorrow!) So thank you Amy for being the wonderful person you are! My sister Cathy sent me the funniest video that gave me quite a chuckle – so thanks Cath! It came at a great time. This also includes my readers who give me so much support and encouragement. They share their own personal stories about how they dealt with depression, and/or still dealing with it at the present time. I just want to say thank you for being so honest and open with me on my blog. It helps to know that I’m not alone, however my prayers still go out to those who are in the same situation as I am.

I’m still not out of the woods yet, but it looks like it’s getting better! Love you all!