Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Damaging Words

I like the rain, because no one can see my tears... ~Author unknown
For whatever reason, I’m learning more and more how people tick. Sometimes people do things in order for them to feel better. I’m reminded of a friend who told me about her relationship with her ex-girlfriend. With the constant put downs and insults regarding her appearance, it left my friend feeling insecure with low self-esteem. Why would someone who claims they love you want to make you feel ugly or make you feel less than attractive? Why would you criticize someone who you adore and love? If it’s an issue with health or hygiene, then yes, I can see where the little ‘sit down’ would take place. That’s understandable. But the fact is, my friend is the most attractive woman and yet her ex-girlfriend really damaged her confidence level.

Here’s my theory on why anyone would verbally abuse their spouse or lover. If the person dishing out the attacks is feeling unattractive, then there’s a great chance that they want to belittle their partner in order to feel superior or more attractive than them. They fear losing their partner to someone else. This also means pushing them under their thumb and making them feel worthless. The ironic part about this is, the person attacking their partner is usually the one who is cheating or the one who is less attractive than their counterpart. There’s this saying I heard a while back: “If you’re worried about your partner cheating on you with no real evidence, then you must be cheating yourself.” I really feel there’s some truth in that. (Unless you have a huge suspicion about who you’re dating.)

Feeling insecure in a relationship is the most horrible feeling. I was once there. I used to drive myself crazy with irrational thoughts. Why? Because I wasn’t faithful years ago. I dated a few people at a time. I was young and stupid. But what happened was, I blamed everyone else for cheating. I never once belittled my partners or told them they were unattractive. Hell, I found them attractive when we first dated, so why would I think differently now? It’s amazing what criticism will do to someone’s psyche, especially if it’s coming from someone you love dearly.

Think about it this way… when your lover or spouse feels beautiful, it shows. They feel confident. Most likely this will trickle right into the bedroom as well. When you put someone down or make snide remarks about their weight or lack of, most likely they’ll shy away from any intimacy with you. They’ll feel you’re judging them. 90% of people are so self-conscious about their bodies to begin with- whether thin or heavy. This is too big, this is too small, this doesn’t look the way it should…etc. Why increase the insecurities to a level where it’s going to affect your sex life? It makes no sense at all.

So bringing this post back to the point I was trying to make… My friend had feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. After the break up, she now realizes how beautiful she really is. She goes out more, she made new friends and she came out of her shell. It was a huge step for her, because she felt so vulnerable to criticism due to her past experience with her ex. The long lasting effects of those hurtful words will never be forgotten, however they’re quickly fading the more she realizes how amazing she is inside and out.