Thursday, December 21, 2006

Waters to Swim...

Have you heard about the frog that was born at the bottom of the well? He thought life couldn’t get any better till one day he looked up and saw daylight. Climbing up to investigate, he was amazed to find a much larger pond than the one he lived in. And going further afield he discovered a lake that was bigger again. When eventually he came to the ocean and all he could see was water, it dawned on him just how limited his thinking had been. He thought everything he needed was down in the well, but that was a drop in the bucket compared to the things that were out there for him to enjoy.

Maybe you’re living today in your own little “well,” reluctant to leave your comfort zone, settling for limited and safe existence while God has rivers “deep enough to swim in.” Wouldn’t you like to step out in faith, experience new depths in Him and go where you’ve never been before? Remember, the enemy will do everything he can do to keep you focused on your background, your lack of formal education, your appearance and your limited resources. But Bruce Wilkinson says, “It doesn’t matter whether you’re short of money, people, energy or time. What God invites you to do will always be greater than the resources you start with.” You don’t have to let fear limit your vision when God is your source, because His supply is unlimited! One idea from him, just one, can change your life and the lives of others. He’s got great things in store for you today – so start thinking outside the box! ~The Word For You Today

Lately I’ve been starting to feel “limited” myself. Discouraging thoughts such as, lack of education, low self-confidence, anxiety disorder which prevents me from venturing out to new places and fear of failure has me in my own “well” too. I’ve been through numerous office and accounting jobs to customer service and bartending positions. I must say I enjoyed the jobs that interacted with people. Other jobs such as accounting and office work made me feel isolated from the world. I was bored. Writing has brought me to a different level in my life. I’ve met many other writers who taught me many things, and readers who had me looking at life in a different perspective. I learned a lot about the writing business, publishing houses and the difficult task of making writing into a career. Writing is much like art or music. There’s a lot of competition. This doesn’t mean you can’t do it- it’s just all the more difficult to just go into a publishing house and say, “Here, this is a great book I wrote, publish this!” Of course, submitting your work is a whole different ballgame altogether. And who’s to say what you think is great will be great to them? It’s a rough business. There are so many rules and regulations as far as just throwing your work on some publisher’s desk. In fact, a new writer usually isn’t even seen, unless he/she has a reputable agent.

There are many hobbies which I love that make the people in my life say, “You should really consider doing that for a living.” Things such as painting, photography, music and writing are all things I’ve dreamed about doing for a living. I tried photography in galleries and made a few cents in spare change. I even tried eBay, selling my prints online. The shipping was almost the amount of my print- which is where a lot of people make their money. It was pointless. It was too much work for such low income. I didn’t have the right printing equipment. My photography is for my living room only now.

Many things in life discouraged me from pursuing a career in a corporate office, which is where I made the most money. My anxiety attacks disabled me to where I was afraid to even leave the house at times. This is most commonly referred to as agoraphobia. It’s not as bad these days, but the fear of getting an anxiety attack during a work day paralyzes any thought of getting out there again. Of course, anxiety and depression are all related. Some people wonder why doctors prescribe an antidepressant to someone who has anxiety disorder. When I’m having a full-fledged anxiety attack, that sometimes lasts for an hour or so, the next day it will literally have me wiped out in bed. I can’t move. I have no strength. This all leaves me with negative thoughts, which leads into a depressive state of mind. So that’s where the depression links in. Thoughts like, “Why do I get these anxiety attacks? I can’t even go out without having an attack! Am I the only one like this?” With all those negative thoughts, it can determine my mood for the next several days leaving me drained of any energy.

Why am I telling you all this? I guess it’s because most people who read my blog seem to think that Deb’s all “together.” I’m not. I’m human and trying to cope. I may have some great advice for a lot of people, but when it comes to myself, I seek out advice from others. This is one of the many reasons why I created a blog. There are so many people out there that amaze me with their God given ability to reach out and help someone with their words of wisdom. Their advice is like gold to me. Yes, I see a doctor on a bi-weekly basis, but I don’t take anything other than ativan to relieve an oncoming anxiety attack. I refuse to take anything that alters the brain or has more side effects than cyanide.

They say that the mind is a powerful thing. I truly believe that. I know that when I pray and mediate, I feel the sense of encouragement pour over me. Thinking, “I can’t do it,” will result in just that. But if I could just say, “I can do it,” it may get me out of this well. I’ve been trying, but for some reason it’s been a bit slow going. When I’m closer to God, my entire day is different. I have hope. I find myself going out doing things that I normally wouldn’t. My fear is diminished and my anxiety level is low. Some could say it’s the power of the mind, but in my own opinion and experience, it’s the power of God. Not one therapist is going to tell you that though. My therapist doesn’t tell me much actually. He sits there and makes me analyze myself. Don’t I do that enough though? His job is pretty easy! (Or so I think!)

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7

The above scripture helps me realize that praying to God is the most important thing. People always seem to emphasize on the word “independent”. “Oh she’s so independent!” And that’s supposed to be a very good quality in a person…or is it? God wants us to be “dependent” on Him. Maybe that’s what I was trying to do. I was trying to be more independent like everyone else wanted me to be. Or maybe, I should stop trying to please other people and realize that God is the only one that I need acceptance from. Maybe some of you find yourself doing the same thing. It’s easy to fall into that trap of trying to please everyone but yourself. It happens to a lot of us and it can definitely get draining.

What does God expect of you? What do you expect of yourself? Do you have faith that God will be pleased with whatever you do in your life? Do you have faith that you’ll be pleased with your lot in life? And most of all, are you pleased at this very moment with your lot in life?

These are questions I have to ask myself as well. But, in the meantime, I wouldn’t mind hearing your answers.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Myriad of Personalities

Over a lifetime of years, developing relationships from family & friends to acquaintances , I find myself wondering if my personality changes from person to person. With each person, I think we act differently. We say one thing to one person, yet would never blurt the same thing out to another. What makes us act differently? Maybe the nature of the relationship? Maybe it’s the trust factor? Or maybe it’s the way someone else lets you be yourself, instead of putting up a total fa├žade. Do we put up airs in front of certain people we want to impress?

Let’s start out with friends. I usually joke around and laugh with the friends who are lighthearted and fun. These friends aren’t offended very easily with sarcastic jokes or comments I make in jest. They don’t take things personally, unless it’s a personal attack on one’s integrity. Insults are much different from making a sarcastic joke. When you insult someone, you hurt them- possibly making them want to become distant from you or break up the friendship entirely. There are people in my life who are very conservative and a bit uptight. There’s nothing wrong with that- they’re just reserved a touch. I tend to not tell as many jokes or make remarks that would normally make my laid back friends laugh. I become a bit reserved myself around these types of people.

I have some friends who are overly sensitive. To even entertain the idea of joking around about someone else, or even them, makes them upset. Sometimes they conjure things up in their own head. For instance, I’ll say, “Gee, I think I put on a few pounds!” They’ll immediately think you’re talking about them! “Well, she probably noticed my hips look bigger in these pants- and that’s why she’s mentioning that!” Wrong. I’m mentioning it because my scale gave me a few hints. I literally go insane with these types of friends because their insecurity levels are so high, that it’s like walking on eggshells when being around them.

We all have our levels of insecurity. But when does it come to the point where we have to say, enough is enough? What baffles me even more is that most of the people who are like this are usually the beautiful / handsome ones that hold themselves well in social settings. Underneath, they’re a pile of nerves about to explode. I feel bad for them, but I can’t help but feel uneasy about being in their presence. I can only imagine how many of my friends are reading this right now thinking, “Is she talking about me?” Watch.

There has always been a huge pet peeve of mine. I have a few straight girlfriends that are literally chameleons when they get together with me and the rest of my friends. What happens is, they end up saying, “Well I don’t know if I’m gay or straight. I think I may be bi.” And that’s fine. But in my opinion, you would already know this since childhood. I firmly believe that if you are gay, lesbian or bi-sexual, then you would know before even toggling around if this was truth or not. Also, it irritates me when a girl wants to make me, or one of my other friends a complete guinea pig to the whole ‘gay scene’. This happened to me before I was in a long-term relationship, and I fell for it a few times. Now I see a few of my friends going through the ‘guinea pig phase’, and it always makes me cringe. I know they’re going to get burned in the end.

It’s interesting how much more careful we have to be in order to keep a stable friendship with certain people. This even trickles over into family. There are different and unique personality traits that have to be handled differently. For instance, I can joke about one thing to one sister, but kind of tone it down with another. All my sisters are great with my sense of humor- so I’m thankful. One of my sisters is just hysterical. If you tell her, “Hey, your hair looks great today,” she’ll turn around and say, “Why? What was wrong with it yesterday?” It’s cute. But I have learned to stay away from the word “today”. Another sister of mine will take offense to the word “cute”. “What a cute top that is!” She’ll quickly glance at you with a questionable look… “Cute?” She wants “sexy” to be the word-- “GORGEOUS” to be the key word with any garment she is wearing. Again, it’s funny. Another sister of mine will take offense to the many remarks *I* give her about the baby safe locks all over her cabinets and house…even her toilet. She takes this very seriously (which I think is great and it keeps kids out of dangerous stuff), but I can’t help but poke fun at her about it. Each cabinet, toilet, door, and window is securely locked to prevent anyone (including adults sometimes) from opening it. Thank God I’ve mastered the toilet lock, or she would have kicked me out of her house for clean up in aisle two.

So now I sit here, wondering which person in my life is going to send me that email asking, “Was that one part about me?”

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Ba Hum"bug"!

I’ve tried everything from Echinacea, vitamin C to hot soup, gargling with salt water and Swedish nurses. This cold won’t leave me. Some would say alcohol kills the bug—the good stuff—not just beer. Well, I went down to the local pub & restaurant where they serve up the most delicious bloody marys with Amy. I asked them to give it the “Deb style”, which involves mostly Ketel One vodka and a touch of tomato juice. I asked for the hot sauce on the side. I dowsed the hot sauce ten million times to get any left over germ that may be lingering.

This trick seemed to work. We headed off to Target to get some last minute Christmas gifts. I decided to grab a gingerbread latte at the Starbuck’s next door. Bad move. This stuff is loaded with so much cream- it’s disgusting. I felt it coming on. My cold was back, and it was getting worse. The real question is, why do Starbuck’s, Duncan Donuts and other coffee hut branches serve up their coffee with 95% cream and 5% coffee? This defeats the whole purpose of the coffee bean high. They should just serve hot cream in a cup with coffee grind packets to replace the sugar. I felt like I had strands of mucus flying out of every cavity of my head. Not an attractive sight to see. Above is my version of coffee. I drink it black, no cream or sugar, but sometimes I like to have a treat. I didn't know I was going to drink a gallon of half-n-half!

This is what Starbuck's coffee is made out of. There may be one or two grinds of coffee in that glass, but the rest is all cream. Can you imagine what this does for someone who has a cold? It's a mucus nightmare!

I’m trying not to stay home too much. I know they say rest up and sleep as much as you can, but I’m restless. Then you have other people saying go out and get some air, it’ll do you some good. I took the second advice. If I sit home, the living room or bedroom- or whatever room I occupy while being sick, has the ‘air of sick' in it. You know what I mean. It’s when you walk into a room where someone has been in it all day coughing, hacking and sneezing. It feels a bit damp and musty. It needs to be aired out. So I decided to air myself out. Well, this sickness has been going on for over a week now.

Tomorrow evening, I’m supposed to meet up with CP and her husband for a bite to eat and a few cocktails. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to make it. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to bring CP and her “hotband” down with her cold. She’ll never let me down for that one. Being that CP’s a nurse and all, she’ll probably be all prepared with a huge vat of antibacterial gel as well as a surgical mask when hanging out with me. And no, I wouldn’t be insulted. It’s something most people should think about during this cold and flu season. My next step is to invest in a bubble.

Enjoy your week and don’t touch the handles on those shopping carts!!!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Head Nurse Position: Filled

Thanks for everyone who applied for the nursing position. Deb has selected the most qualified candidate for this job. Asa, has accepted our offer and has already started early this morning. The only stipulation was that Deb tends to whine a lot. Wine? Whine? She does both. In fact, Asa has offered to bring her mom’s old remedy, which includes hot red wine with lemon & honey. Deb was pleasantly surprised with this lovely offer. This was an eye catcher for Deb.

When Asa walked in the door, she walked upstairs to where Deb was honking, sneezing, sniffling, tearing, hacking, coughing and yes…whining.

“Surprise! I’m here with delicious hot red wine and some fabulous Swedish meatballs!” Asa said, as she stood there in this most peculiar outfit. It looked as if she went to some bizarre birthday bash, or some bachelorette party. I couldn’t figure this one out, but she looked like a hot number- regardless.

Did she think this was the uniform she was supposed to wear? And that hat! Bunny ears would have been better- but this will do. She seems eager and full of anticipation of getting Deb back to full recovery. A good attitude sufficed.

“Ughh, Asa, my head hurts, and my back aches, and my nose won’t stop running…help!”
“Stop whining and have some of this!” Asa says, as she fills Deb’s glass up with delicious hot red wine. After Deb finished it off, Asa kept refilling her glass. Soon enough, Deb drifted off into a coma-like sleep. Asa then went downstairs to prepare her Swedish meatballs. The smell wafted into Deb’s room, waking her up.

“Mmm, what’s that?” Deb said, as she rubbed her tired eyes. She decided to get up with her plaid pajamas and flip flops. Trudging down the long staircase, there was Asa and all of her Swedish friends having a party. She didn’t even tell Deb about all these women who came along with her. She secretly wanted to put Deb to sleep for hours on end so she could use her house to hold a huge bash.

“Why the nerve!” Deb said under her breath, as she quietly looked down at the beautiful women mingling and laughing. After an hour of watching these ladies, Deb started to miraculously feel better. Between the red wine and having a bunch of beautiful Swedish women running around in her house, Deb felt better. She was healed. This was definitely what the doctor ordered!

I just want to thank Asa for healing me and for the wonderful job she did- even though it wasn’t ‘hands on’. If you never been to Asa’s blog, please visit! I remember when I first went to her blog by mistake- I couldn’t stop reading it. Her writing is very thought provoking and real. Her thought process is amazing and definitely worth reading. Asa’s not only beautiful…she’s got a brain too!

Thanks for all who applied for the nursing position. Next time I need a nurse, please include alcohol as an offering! The runner up was Margie. Her nurturing and loving techniques of healing were quite temping. She even offered to sing for me! Her poetry is outstanding!

CP, Deb was a bit nervous to hire you, due to your aggressive nature. Although you’re quite the sexy nurse with tons of nursing background, she didn’t think your assistant would live through the delegations she had to endure.

Okay, I’m off to get another mug of hot red wine. This stuff ain’t too bad!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Apply Within

If it’s not one thing, it’s the other. From visiting endless doctors- ones that don’t require people to come in for colds, flues or other virus related stuff, I figured picking up a magazine wasn’t a big deal. No one touched it who was sick. People come in here to get ultrasounds, pap smears and blood work. That’s it. I start flipping through the pages as I waited for the nurse to call me in.

A day later, I’m sick. I’m hacking, coughing, wailing, sniffling, tearing, snorting and blowing my nose like a bugle boy. It wasn’t pretty. The funny thing is, when people hear me blow my nose, they assume I’m one of those ‘quiet types’ that just steams off a little whoooooosh- and that’s it. Nope. I’m honking so loud, that I could use it as my mating call. It’s a very unattractive quality. I try my best not to do it in public, but it’s just unavoidable.

I don’t care where you are, what you do, or who you’re with- do not touch any magazines that aren’t in your custody at home! Don’t do it. Now think about it… Remember how most of us flip pages? Let me rephrase that. Remember how most people “without” OCD flip pages? They lick their finger. Do we forget about that? I looked around the office and noticed this lady licking her fingertip before she flipped over to the other page. She even made this annoying noise with each lick. It was awful. Why didn’t my head click over to, “Other people do that Deb!”

So now I sit here, wailing, sniffling, tearing, snorting and honking my nose all over the place with a million tissues piled up in my waste basket. I’m a mess. I had way too much soup, which consists of tons of sodium. I’m starting to look much like one of those balloons at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Retaining water isn’t a fun thing guys. My fingers start to turn purple if I don’t take my rings off after a nice salty meal, and my eyes swell up to where they look like little tiny slits. Yet, another unattractive quality. I try my best not to blow up in public, but again, it’s just unavoidable.

So now I have an open position if any of you are interested. Here’s the qualifications…

NURSE NEEDED:
Dependable nurse needed to take care of Deb as she’s sick in bed. Must be able to tolerate loud noises (her honking) and high demands for more soup. You must monitor her water retention so she can at least get out of the doorway in order to use the restroom. Tea with a shot of whiskey is a must at 2pm. Tasks include taking out her tissue-filled trash can, refilling her water jug, elevating her feet and occasionally giving her a back rub. Dress code is important. Must wear a white nurse’s outfit, which entails a short, slinky skirt. Top must be low cut and “filled out”. (Men, you’ll have to adapt well if you’re applying…or get a sex change. I’m an EOE.) The pay rate is competitive and the benefits are outstanding. Candidate must be detail oriented and be willing to work under pressure. Please apply within the comments. Will need salary requirements and a resume.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This Hand

CP sent over a video for me to watch. It's very moving and shows a very powerful message at the end of video. Please watch this...especially the ending.

Thanks CP!

By the way, I just wanted to let everyone know that the doctor told me my blood work was fine and I don't need any procedure. The polyp is fairly small, so he's not concerned.

All your prayers helped me! Thanks to everyone who went out of their way to speak to the big guy for me! I'm totally grateful to all of you! Prayer is a powerful thing!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Hormonal Nightmare

After the whole chaos of being on those psychotic birth controls that made me absolutely whacky, from stopping them and coming back down to a state of tranquility- I faced my worst fear: the grocery store. I never trek into huge supermarkets packed with people playing bumper cars with their shopping carts. Everyone seems to be lost in their own world, on a mission to find what’s on their list. I had a get together planned for that evening. I needed to see my friends I haven’t seen in a while. I forced myself to grab a cart (with gloves of course) and head inside the madhouse.

I managed to grab everything that was on my list, including things I really didn’t need. That’s just how I am – a total impulse buyer. I finally get to the checkout line. There was only one person standing in front of me. I thought, “Wow, what a breeze this was!” Until I heard, “Price check please!”

That was it. I knew I was in it for the long haul. I felt my anxiety rise within me, so I started to watch this little television they had up to entertain their angry and impatient customers. It didn’t work. My ADD kicked in and I started to panic wondering when I would get out of here.

Finally, it was my turn.

“Super saving’s card?”
“Uh, no…”
“What’s your phone number?”
The checkout woman asks.
“212-555-2473.” I blurt out.
“Hmm, maybe you’re under a different number?”
“Huh?”
“Well, you’re not showing up as a super saver.”
“No- I never applied.”
“Do you want to?”
“Just check me out and I’ll pay whatever it is…”
I said, frustrated that this lady assumed I had a super saver card. Just ring me up! I know she was trying to be courteous and nice. She was trying to save me money, but my anxiety said, “GO GO GO GO!”

She kept persisting though.

“But, you could save so much by signing up at the customer service station right there. Do you at least have a coupon?”

I looked at the customer service line that was a mile long. Not doing it.

“No. Please ring me up.”

Luckily I got out of there before I was sent home by security with a straight jacket on. I piled my groceries in and headed for the Italian deli, which serves specialty dishes and great marinated goodies. There was enough there to pack a good healthy artery or two.

“Here, try dis’!” Paulie says, as he comes out from the counter with a piece of salami of some sort (soprassata) and hands it to this customer who looked as though she was nothing to mess with. Her hair was short cropped- I want to say pretty close to a mullet. She had a Yankee’s jacket on and a pair of Levi’s and work boots.

“I can’t man.”
“Git ova’ here- try dis! It’s good!”
“Tell that to my doctor and my cholesterol level.”

“Ahhh---fuggedaboudit!!! We live way past our nineties and eat wha’ we want!” He says, as he throws his hands up and walks towards me with this slab of fat. I tried it. It was good. And yes, I bought it for my get together.

From delicious fried chicken fingers, to marinated mozzarella balls, I knew the gym should have been in the back of my mind- until I woke up with menstrual pain. I was just through with my cycle. After I abruptly stopped taking the birth control pills due to mood swings and anxiety attacks, I ended up bleeding…a lot. The two martinis the night before didn’t help either. It just made things worse. This morning it was alarming. I had to call the doctor. They said if I wasn’t ‘changing’ every hour, then it’s okay. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow about getting the DNC procedure. It’s scary, because I can’t leave my house without the fear of it getting really bad. My mother hemorrhaged a lot in the past- even in public places. I don’t want that happening to me.

So now I sit here writing to all of you about my dilemma. I’m two steps back when I thought I was getting better. Thank you to those who emailed me with advice regarding the PCOS information and the DNC procedure. I also want to thank Madelene and Rev. Kate for going up to the shrine in their churches for me and praying. Prayer is the best gift I can possibly receive. I know that this is routine stuff for women, but it scares me when it comes to these things. I realize that things could be so much worse, and know that I am fortunate health-wise, but it really means a lot to hear advice from people who have experienced this.

I don't know what's worse, having these womanly problems or eating that piece of soprassata.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Hormonal Mess

A tiring and exhausting week of doctors, doctors…and more doctors has me wiped out. I’m being tested for PCOS, (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which involves a normal pap smear, blood tests, and they started me on birth control pills. As if I need birth controls of any sort. I should really shuffle through Google about the side effects of birth control pills, but I’m scared. I’ll obsess about each and every “possible” side effect they have listed. I do that with any medication- even if it’s Tylenol. I’m not a smoker, so he said that none of the ‘high blood pressure risks’ are applicable. I’m on Loestrin, which my doctor reassures me this is a lighter type of pill. It’s to regulate my hormones and my menstruation. They found a polyp that is one and a half centimeter big. I need a DNC procedure- which they have to put me under anesthesia to do this. I’ve never had an operation or procedure before, other than lasik eye surgery. This is a whole different ballgame.

Now that I have been on these pills, I’m finding that I’m very fatigued and cry at the drop of a hat. On top of that, I’ve been developing anxiety attacks- out of nowhere! I mean, yeah I have anxiety disorder and depression from time to time, but these anxiety attacks include hyperventilation and racing of the heart. My hormones are out of control, and I thought this was supposed to level them out. I have an appointment with my doctor Tuesday to find out if it’s the pills that’s causing these symptoms.

I wonder if I just requested for an entire sex change, if that would sit well with my doctor—or the radical Christians. Then I wouldn’t be gay anymore, right? Hmm. Something to think about at least. You men have it easy!!! I’m having major penis envy with all this womanly crap going on.

Sorry I’ve been away much of the time, but I haven’t been feeling good lately. Once I get more energy, I’ll post more. And if anyone could give me some “womanly advice” as far as PCOS and the DNC procedure, I would appreciate it a lot! I’m kind of scared to do this, but if it helps relieve the intense cramps that debilitate me, the irregular periods and wacky hormones- then it’s worth it!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Curtis and Dani Go On and On...

I recently listened to Curtis Kekoa’s radio segment dedicated to me and was surprisingly amused, and yet I was somewhat sad for him. Curtis is Dani's husband. As most of you know, Dani & Curtis are homophobic people who dwell on the gay lifestyle to the point of exasperation. The rant of his was redundant. He kept asking me to repent. For what Curtis? For loving my partner? For being in a loving relationship that makes me happy?

As far as speaking about my spiritual encounters, he goes on to say how I took LSD. I’ve never touched drugs in my life. Now I have been known to hit the bottle quite a few times, but LSD? Isn’t that slanderous Curtis? In my blog, I only say what’s already “been said”, or “factual statements”. So here’s my factual statements based upon what Curtis and Dani have already admitted. This is a good time to pray for them both.

My letter to Curtis:

Curtis,

Thank you for dedicating your show to me. I thank you for your time, especially the fact that you did this 4am, after your friends went home. That says a lot. I’m sorry that you’re so raveled up with my situation- with my relationship. The truth is, I did in fact have spiritual experiences in order for me to know that God loves me. I don’t only believe…I know. So your show did nothing but make me feel sorry for you.

No one’s out to hurt you Curtis. Even when you found out that your mother was a lesbian, this does not mean she didn’t love you any less. It meant that she wanted to make herself happy by being with the person she fell in love with. This had nothing to do with you. I hope you understand that. I know it must be hard to think your mom is a homosexual, but she’s the same person who brought you up, who cared for you and gave you a roof over your head. This is the woman that showed you unconditional love. She is the same person. God sees her heart, and He also sees yours. In the Ten Commandments, it says to “honor your mother and father”. Do you call this honoring your mother, if you are displaying her lifestyle online and basically shunning her? It’s disrespectful. And if I’m correct- not even homosexuality is listed on that top ten list. And no, it’s NOT the same as adultery. Webster’s dictionary may help you out with that one. Or you can just go here.

On top of that Curtis, your wife was once a lesbian. How does this make you feel? Now, I’m not judging or bashing her for what she did in the past, but I have to wonder if this holds any feelings of insecurity for you. Do you think that your wife is going to leave you for another woman, just because she has experienced the emotional and physical connection with a female in the past? She loves you. Just because she has been with another woman, does not mean she is going to leave you for one. Please know that. Have more confidence in yourself. I can totally understand where your feelings of hate come from when you speak about homosexuality. You’re deathly afraid of it! The two women that you love the most have been with women on intimate levels. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. What I can tell you is this… Loving a person of the same gender doesn’t necessarily mean that they have to be called “lesbians”. Those are just labels. To me, it’s about loving that particular person- not a particular gender. And yes, I call myself a lesbian, because I choose to. I call it that, because I am in a relationship with another woman. I’ve also stated on my blog numerous times that if I weren’t with my partner, who’s to say some man couldn’t sweep me off my feet one day? You just never know.

On your show, you said that God doesn’t have unconditional love. What bible are you reading Curtis? God is all love.

”Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances.” ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I take my scriptures out of the NLT (New Living Translation). It’s easier to use for those who don’t know the King James Version of the bible. It’s old English, which a lot of people ‘new’ to the Lord will find it hard to understand. It has too many thus, thou, thee, etc. So I wanted to simplify it for people to better understand what the Lord teaches us.

Also, I would like to take this opportunity to say that you succeeded in hurting me. You insulted me by calling me a moron on your show. Does a real Christian do that? Your words are weapons. The fact that your entire show was contradictory to everything you spoke of, made me feel better that it showed you & your wife’s true colors. That’s why I’m directing everyone to listen to your show. It shows hatred, intolerance and bigotry. But, it also shows someone who is hurt, due to their mother and wife being homosexuals themselves. I am so sorry that you’re so torn up about this Curtis. Again, that has nothing to do with you. Your wife has come out of the homosexual lifestyle, to marry you. That’s huge!

I’m not angry with you or Dani. In fact, I thank you for trying to convert me into being a heterosexual. Again, it’s not about labeling, it’s about the person I fall in love with. I think some men are very attractive. I’m human. This does not make me bi or straight- it makes me…”me”.

I don’t consider you a bad person. I just see you as a broken man full of hurt and anger. I see someone full of resentment for women as well as the gay and lesbian community. I can definitely see where it stems from.

”Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.

Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written,
‘I will take vengeance
I will repay those who deserve it.’ says the Lord.

Instead, do what the Scriptures say:

‘If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.’

Don’t let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.” ~Romans 12:17-21


So my message to you is, love yourself more. Focus on the good. Focus on your relationship with God, as well as your loving relationship with your wife. You two share the same faith, which is wonderful. Put your energy into something positive, instead of trying to hurt people.

Ask yourself, what would Jesus do? Think about it. The story I gave you about the immoral woman was true. It’s in the bible. He did not tell her, “Go and sin no more.” That was a different scripture all together. The point of this story is, that Jesus took notice on the love and dedication that this woman was displaying, instead of the “perfect Christian” who remained faithful to the law. The Pharisee’s relationship with Jesus wasn’t as strong as the relationship that Jesus developed with this immoral woman. He forgave her sins, because He saw her heart. You can be the best Christian in the world, go to church every Sunday like clockwork, have fellowship with other Christians and do good deeds, but that isn’t a fast ticket into heaven. Having a personal relationship with Jesus is, and loving your neighbor as you would yourself. What you displayed on your show wasn’t loving at all. It was pure hatred. Does it exhaust you to hate so much?

You and your wife have great outlets to give God’s message. Why don’t you use it to lift people’s spirits up and edify them with words of power, instead of words of weapons. Your show’s name, “Words Are Weapons” is enough to tell me that you’re out to hurt people.

Do you ever get tired of it?

Click here to hear Curtis and Dani talk about me throughout their entire show.

Friday, December 01, 2006

God Loves All His Gay Children

This is a video I made to show that God loves everyone equally- whether straight or gay. Love doesn't have boundaries...hate does.