Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Ménage à trois

Now here’s a situation that you all may have heard of before. Bob has been dating this wonderful woman named Leslie for five years now. They both live in NYC. They plan on getting married next year with the hopes of having children and growing old together. Their relationship has its moments with little bumps of turbulences, but I think it’s safe to say that’s normal for anyone who’s been in a long term to experience that.

Bob says he loves Leslie with all his heart. He doesn’t want to marry anyone else, however, Bob has something he’s been wanting to do. He wants to invite a third party into the bedroom to spice things up a bit. He says the sex is good with his partner, but it tends to gets a little mundane now and then. Bob also states that sometimes, Leslie isn’t interested in sex that much. Bob wants it 4-5 times per week, and Leslie likes her 1-2 times per week.

Leslie isn’t a lesbian, nor is she bi-sexual. She is head over heals in love with Bob. In fact, she’ll just about do anything for Bob. Leslie’s considering being with a woman…for Bob. They’ve talked it over and discussed the ‘rules and regulations’ of what goes on in the bedroom, as well as what goes on outside of the bedroom. They have established limitations and boundaries.

Now here’s the interesting part… Leslie is afraid that Bob will find the third party more attractive than she is, and Bob thinks that Leslie may like this trio or the third party a little more than she’s willing to admit. Leslie assures Bob that she is straight as an arrow—there’s no chances of her becoming a lesbian. “I believe people are born that way,” she stated to Bob.

Here’s my two cents, and then I will let my intelligent and insightful readers give their advice, like they did for Mr. & Mrs. Smith. (No relation to the movie!)

My list of possible “risks”:

1.) Pregnancy

2.) Disease

3.) Falling in love with third party (either party)

4.) Sex is better with the third party

5.) Bob or Leslie sneaks off secretly to meet third party

6.) The inevitable---breaking up

7.) Partner starts feeling insecure

8.) Third party becomes an obsessed stalker of some sort

9.) Jealousy

10.) Resentment

Please keep in mind, this is *only* my opinion of what I think of this scenario. I am not a doctor, psychologist or sex counselor. (That would be scary.) I have my own set of opinions that all of you out there have. So not only will my input count – but the people who are reading and/or can relate may help Bob and Leslie out even better.

I think of it like this… If you truly love your partner with all your heart, why would you want another person coming into that special union between you two? Even if the sex was getting a little mundane---spice it up! They have sex counseling all over New York. Play games in bed. Fill out little pieces of paper full of foreplay suggestions, and throw it into a hat. Each time you pick one, you have to act it out in hopes that one doesn’t ‘give in’ too soon. Role play. Oh come on—tell me none of you ever did this before? Come home pretending to be the plumber or handyman. She’s all alone in that big house and needs someone to fix her plumbing. Get me?

When two people are totally in love with one another, there’s no need for a third party in my opinion. Being “in love” with your partner/spouse/fiancé means that even if the sex isn’t all that—the emotional intimacy between the two of you will overcome whatever’s lacking. I’d rather have more emotional connection than just great sex. Sex is sex. You can get that anywhere. But when you are in love, and committed to one person, it makes it that much better. The bond strengthens and you become one with him/her.

I’m not saying that Bob doesn’t love Leslie enough, I’m just saying that maybe he should rethink this whole thing before he gets himself in a situation that he may soon regret. Fantasies are great---share them with her. But there’s a fine line between fantasy and acting out what has been acted out many times in your head. There are consequences that come along with all those fun ideas if acted out. I’ve even witnessed a good friend of mine lose her husband over this type of situation. The same can apply for Leslie. What if she thinks the third party has a stronger emotional bond? You just never know. Why risk it?

What are your thoughts for Bob & Leslie?

42 comments:

J R Estelle said...

I couldn't do a 3some, ever. I don't like to share in that manner and I want to be able to focus ALL my attention, every single fiber of my being on the person I'm with.

I can't imagine my partner (even if I had one) giving herself to another person like she would to me.

Lovemy4goldens said...

I agree with you 100%. Life is to short for three somes. Enjoy what you have because there is someone out there that has it a lot worse then you think you have it.
I am so blessed in my relationship and trust was a big issue for me a long time ago, and finding a man who loves me for me is something I never drempt I would or could have. Why is it that people get what they want and then want more???? Tell Bob to grow up and get a life.

samuru999 said...

I agree with you Deb!
If one truly loves their partner...
why would you want to bring another into the special union...
Bob needs to be happy for the love he has....
and "spice up the sex"
with his lovely Leslie...
not such a hard thing to do!

If he can't do that...
he needs to Get a life!

Miranda said...

Its a fantasy, and dangerous. You gave good advice.

sasha said...

In theory, Deb, you are right... life and relationships are more complicated though.

They are not married yet... what they should be looking at is why does Bob feel this way even before they are married? This is the time when things should be new and fresh (I know it has been 5 years already...) but still. They should examine if they should even be considering getting married, if he feels this way already, if he is looking for excitment at this point, before the marriage has even taken place.

If Leslie is the love of Bob's life... if she is the one he connects emotionally with... then there should be no need to spice things up. If not... then he should be thinking if Leslie is the one he wants to marry in the first place.

the voice said...

What Bob has is a fantasy. And while some fantasies can be okay, actually crossing the line is very dangerous. When things don't go as expected, which is likely, there will be resentment and/or jealousy from one, or both of them. There is also the fact that while Leslie is thinking about Bob's wants, and acting out of her love for him, Bob is really only thinking about his own wants, not about Leslie. Whole scenario is a real, real bad idea, and ultimately would end in a break up. If Bob truly loves Leslie, he will put his energy into finding ways to please her.

Cinderella said...

My thoughts are that 3 somes are great (or not) in college or when BOTH parties aren't emotionally attached. But even in this situation you run the risk of STD's and HIV and so on. (It never was for me)

When you get older you want a bond, a trust, a relationship. It would kill me to see someone that I love devote as much attention and intimacy to another person. Not everyone will agree, I guess it depends on your life style but it wouldn't be something I would do.

All I can say here is be careful what you wish for, and be prepared for the after effects. Your advice was gold ~Deb.

Maybe they should throw in a porno while they are having sex, it would be like someone eles was there..=P

kathi said...

Okay, I believe that sex is a gift of God. God created sex, it's not dirty or a sin, when it's in the role God created it for. I believe that when we belittle the gift of sex, we belittle not only ourselves but our partner.
Yeah, I know, I'm ultra conservative in a lot of ways...don't be hatin'. :)

Cheetarah1980 said...

God created sex to be between 2 people. It's not a group activity. This whole "do what you feel" mindset winds up causing more problems in the long run. I'm with you Deb. If there is something lacking in their sex life, it's something they need to deal with themselves. Adding another person to their mess is never a good idea.

Leesa said...

An interesting mental exercise. No three-somes, no way, for me. It would not feel right. At least afterwards.

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Well said, Deb - nothing left to add!

Anonymous said...

I kinda disagree with Deb on this. Threesomes can be fun if there’s trust. My husband and I are content with it and we have been together for over 10 yrs!!! We never experienced anything negative at all! It brought us closer as a couple and we can experience much more in life other than just fantasizing about it. I think it’s wonderful if Leslie wants to please her husband in that way. He’s very lucky to have someone who’s willing & she’s very lucky to have someone who is adventurous!

Tony said...

I agree with kathi.

My wife and I tried inviting another couple into our bedroom and it ended up causing more headaches than anything else. We both learned how to appreciate and spice up our sex life without including a third party.

As for Bob & Leslie. Bob needs to understand the consequences of introducing a third into the scene along with the true ramifications behind his request.

Natalia said...

I think they should try something else if what they really want is to rekindle the sex passion. I don't think a third person is EVER a solution. They could go to sexx workshops, a sex therapist, etc. I think the whole "spice things up" bit is a cop-out for wanting to be with someone else...in which case they should make themselves single and have sex with other people. There are a lot of risks...not the least of which are physical But you are risking a lot of emotional bruising...and that's just no good. Sometimes men...and women... get cold feet at the prospect of being legally bound to make love to only one person. But the license doesn't commit you...your love does. And if you are unsure about monogamy, then you should have that talk before the altar walk.

-N

Miss 1999 said...

Ok, my deal with this is- Fantasy is ALWAYS better than reality. What I mean by this: In your fantasy, things ALWAYS work out the way YOU want them to. Everyone has a great time, no one is hurt- you get the picture. A fantasy is always a win/win situation.

Enter reality. There are so many risks, mental, emotional, and physical, involved. The biggest thing, most of the time, when your fantasy becomes reality, many times, it's a let down. It's VERY rare that things goes exactly the way you picture them in your fantasy.

I would recommend that they don't do it. Bob, keep it in fantasy. Leslie, stand up for what you believe in, or for that matter, turn the tables. Ask Bob how he would feel if you were wanting to bring another man in on the situation. I don't think he'd feel quite the same.

Grant said...

11. Nihon no usagi are hot.

Crassius Maximus said...

You need to get with 2 partners that you will never see ever again. The ideal scenario would be two hot alien chicks that fly away in a spaceship after critical mass is reached.

Jazz said...

Here's my thing though. What if you love someone but aren't in love with them? You know? I mean you can be married for awhile and make the choice to love that person but not really feel the sexual attraction anymore or just not all the time, or as much. But then again if that's the case it may be even more dangerouse to bring in another person, huh? Okay nevermind I answered my own thing. lol.

Jazz said...

But I do think a three some 'SOUNDS' hot. But thinking it sounds hot and having one is two totally diffeant things.

Anonymous said...

Threesomes are hot! It takes trust that's all. It's better when you know the persons involved instead of going into it with complete strangers.

ell said...

i'm with you on this one deb. this has disaster written all over it. there are just too many possible negatives that could happen. and if you really, really are committed to someone, why would you want to risk that by bringing in another person(s).

Kat Campbell said...

Disastrous. Men often fantasize about being with two women, but it should remain just that, a fantasy.

The Absent Minded Landlord said...

It sounds sexy and I'm sure it does work on occasion. But, to me the risk of damaging the relationship I care about ranks higher than any satisfied fantasy.

Margaret said...

Sounds Kinky and all, but I'm with you. It isn't worth the risk and trouble that it may cause in the long haul.

Anonymous said...

Bob's love for Leslie seems weak and faulty to me. This would be nothing but trouble in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

it is rare that i weigh in on issues other than the masons, the homosexuals, and lesbian avengers club #34 which meets in waynesboro on thursdays. however, it is time for me to bring to your attention some candidates who are running against george allen, who proudly enjoys shoving it down whiny homosexuals' throats.

one is named james webb. i do not know much about him, but my mexican housekeeper told me he is both a vegan and a former college professor who taught liberal swine 101. i had her immediately deported upon hearing this news. her orphaned children will be sold at an auction and the proceeds will go towards an anti-homosexual wall around san francisco.

the other one is harris miller, who reads the whole bible and doesn't leave out the parts that condemn homosexuality, metrosexuality, the highly sexualized use of waffle irons, and the spanish language. i would like to endorse harris miller on account of this fact and i will send a formal endorsement later this month when i have time, or perhaps at the end of this month. mr miller will probably burn in hell and i will probably run over his campaign signs repeatedly with my truck later this year, but i must at least give him his momentary due as a man who smells the foul stench of the homosexual uprising. he has agreed to use his platform as an office seeker to promote this year's constitutional amendment that keeps marriage between one man, one woman, and their priest (if he wants).

do not be deceived. this endorsement does not mean i am flinching from my unwavering support of george allen, who supports a guest worker program that would allow illegal immigrants to apply for jobs as spare tires. and i still support sam brownback for president, who is the only candidate who can summon both earth, fire, wind, water, and heart.

when this race is over, i am confident that mr webb and mr miller will be shipped back to siberia on the train that they road in on.

LisaBinDaCity said...

I am an only child and thus am not good at sharing.

Anonymous said...

I think you really summed it up nicely ~Deb. I think it's okay to have the fantasy but it's a set up for a unhappy ending if it's acted on.

Catch said...

I totally agree with every point you made Deb....hes asking for trouble!

Nihilistic said...

DON'T DO IT!!!

GirlGoyle said...

I think Bob is looking for a guilt-free last hurrah by involving Leslie in a threesome. He wants his cake and to eat it too. There is no need for a third party in bed in order to spice things up. And frankly speaking if they are looking for spice at this stage in the relationship well...I don't think it's a good omen of what is to come. I also think that wanting a piece of ass 4-5 times a week means the man has too much time on his hands. Get a hobby! Geez.

bigdaddy said...

I brought this subject up to my Fiancé but I was kinda joking. I asked her if she would let me bring another women into the bedroom and she said "I don't want to see you banging another women, do you want another man banging me?" End of conversation right there. She fliped it on me and I didn't like the thought of another fat sweaty guy nailing my girl. This Bob guy is full of shit and is taking advantage of the love leslie has for him. I would never ask my Fiancé( a women that I love very much) to do such a thing for me. This is a selfish request. I agree that the idea of this is hot and if i were single I would be all for it but not with a women I really love. This world is more and more sexually preverted anymore.

bazza27 said...

I'm surprised bigdaddy was the only one to bring this up,what's good for the goose etc. Not for me, but it takes allsorts.

Beth said...

I agree, and only because there is doubt on both Bob and Leslie's part. He thinks she may fall for the third party, and Leslie has the same worry. This is recipe for disaster, in moi opinion. If they were both completely open and okay with it, then I see no harm done. But if there is apprehension... I believe that is their inner voice saying "not a good idea."

JD said...

great assessment, Deb. as someone who's had a bad experience or two with this sort of thing, unless either of them want it 100%, it's not worth it. the odds are it will turn out bad in the end and won't make the fun worth it in the longrun.

Pittchick said...

I have never participated in a 3-some. When I was younger, I might have considered it, although the topic was never brought up. I think in this particular instance it is probably a very bad idea. It's very rare for a woman to be emotionally OK with something like this. Chances are, something's going to come up in the future related to this instance.
Perhaps they should see a counselor and discuss their issues over this.

Prata said...

Resentment is a definite risk, as on occasion one of the people involved can feel as if they've become suddenly dirty. I've seen it happen.

However, as someone pointed out, life is too short. Try it, you may not have another chance, and if you do not like it, work on strengthening the relationship with regards to how the ending feelings turn out. Sometimes the resentment is simply guilt transferred to the other party because they feel as if the other will think less of them for having enjoyed it or for not having enjoyed it.

Oh, and the IP address is wrong lol. My ISP isn't swbell.net and although I am running Linux I'm not using Firefox. *snickers*

Anonymous said...

This is why I have a problem with you saying you are a Christian AND a lesbian. These topics are completely immoral.

I was wondering if it was possible. Most of the time I enjoy your blog ...your writing is quite good. Even when I don't agree with everything you say. You've made me think quite often.

An old friend of mine just "came out of the closet" and I remember she was very deeply involved in the church--and when I found out she was a lesbian I was shocked.

My mom's best friend also came out of the closet a few years back...left her husband who was in seminary for another woman. Made me wonder some more.

But, I have finally decided for myself. It is not possible. You cannot continue to live a homosexual lifestyle and still be a Christian.

This monage-a-trois topic solidified it for me. Sodom and Gomorah were destroyed for their sexual perversions. Old Testament or not, homosexuality is and will always be a sin.

I hope one day you will see the true light. You are being decieved, and it is so sad.

I still like your writing...most of it. You have quite a talent. :)

Susan said...

I have to say I totally agree with Sandy. A christian believes ALL of the bible..and not just some of it. The bible is quite clear on homosexuality. The relationship between a man and a woman was created 2000 years ago as a special gift, and that's how it was intended.
I am really sadened by people who don't have a relationship with the oppostite sex, because it's such a special thing.
I am a born again christian, not a perfect one, but one who enjoys my relationship with my husband(soon to be).
Please know that Sandy was not judging you Deb, she's just concerned and trying to lead you towards the cross. Also, it isn't fair that because of her comment, she's being bullied on her blog..I hope you understand..

GW Mush said...

Then again, King Solomon, the wisest man on earth, had 700 concubines.
He must have had an obsessive compulsive disorder about " Use it or lose it" hehehe

Advizor said...

We also have to remember that the House of Israel came from two wives and two concubines, and that polygamy was approved (and not approved) at various points in the Bible. I agree that God has given us commandments to follow, but each one of us struggle with a different part of the plan. Even sandalina implies on her own website that she had sex before she was married. Naughty, naughty girl.

"True love DOES wait. Maybe not til marriage, but it waits. LOL"

I have several gay friends, and as a Christian I've had to learn to love and cherish them for who they are, right now. They are wonderful people who are trying to live a life of faith and growth. If I told them that they had to marry a woman to be happy, they would probably laugh at first, and they cry because that isn't even in their realm of possibility right now. I don't claim to understand where same-sex attraction comes from, is it nature or nurture, is it from childhood trauma, a bad relationship with your mom/dad/teddy bear/priest/scout master/baby-sitter? Who knows? Right now, I'm not paid to care. That's God's job.

As for the three-way? That's dangerous ground. I agree with earlier comments that question why they are getting married if they are already "opening" their relationship. A three-way relationship is always unbalanced and in the end, someone (if not everyone) gets hurt. I think this is the real danger of porn, they show the physical, erotic, pleasurable side of sex (a wonderful side of sex) without showing the morning after when the couple are fighting over who made who cum first, and why did he groan that way with her, but not with me, or what did mean when you said, "Wow, that was good!" when you had never said it before.

Another unspoken reality of three-ways is that most guys couldn't handle it if we had the chance to try. The site of one naked, horny, beautiful woman is almost too much for me, and if there were two of them, touching, kissing, and doing wonderfully erotic things to each other, I would just cum in my shorts, make a sandwich (thanks Ross), and become a spectator. Like professional athletes, porn stars are porn stars because they can do things most men can't.

Jazz said...

Sandalina,
Why do you think that if your a Christian you can't discuss other 'tabo' topics? It's just talk. Deb didn't come here and say she supports doing this and has. Goodness, you make me cringe with your preaching. I'm a Christian and have grown up in a Christian home my whole life, and you know what? Me and some other Christian mom's/wives talk about these kind of things. Do we do this stuff? No. Does this make us bad Christians? No.
Goodness!