Thursday, October 26, 2006

Admitting You Have a Problem is the First Step...

It’s always nice when your parents think of you. It’s great when they get you little trinkets of whatever- just because they thought of you. Well, in my case, it’s like a bomb exploded. My father seems to go overboard with little trinkets, and buys the whole warehouse full of whatever it is, so he doesn’t run out. I mean, you can literally back a truck up to the house and poor all the little knickknacks inside.

“Deb! Look wha I gotchya!” I come running over, noticing there were these really cool tiny lights that shine a tint of purple—like those new Mercedes do. I use it to read a menu in a restaurant or bar when it’s too dark inside. Great! Well he bought 500 of them.

“Get dat’ ding’ right dare’!” It was a box lying in the back of his pick up. I grabbed it and brought it inside. When I opened it, I noticed he bought the entire stock of those flashlights that need no batteries. You literally have to shake them up and down until you’re out of breath. How long does the light last for, you ask? Not even five seconds!
Now my father’s obsessed with video cameras. We have them all over the fricken house---at all angles---at every shot you can possibly think of. My apartment is upstairs from them, so my deck overlooks a beautiful view, as well as them viewing me sitting up there. They didn’t mean to, but they wanted to see the other side of the house just in case a squirrel comes in to invade us. When I have parties, I always tell me friends, “Listen, just go around the other side, and don’t do anything idiotic.” My father has a monitor in his living room where he watches TV, and one in his bedroom, that shows everyone pulling into the driveway. I’m not sure if this is his new form of entertainment, or a sick obsession. Sometimes I flip him the bird, just to see if he’s really watching. All I hear is this: “God damn it you crazy kid! Get outa’ here!!!” It echoes out through the house. For Halloween, I think I may play cruel joke on them, using their own cameras. I’m thinking more on the lines of faking a ghost-like image on their monitors. I have to find a way to get up there though without killing myself. Let me know if you have any ideas.

I love my dad- don’t get me wrong, but the older he gets, the more obsessed he gets with little knickknacks he sees on TV. Let me just tell you, we have boxes among boxes that have, “AS SEEN ON TV!” sign on them. He once bought the Magic Chef. It’s basically just a chopper. It’s great—no doubt, but he kept getting more and more and more and more. It was the company’s fault. You think he’s going to correct them? Of course not. He sat there with his collection of Magic Chefs and laughed. I told him he could go into business or hold a huge ass garage sale. Then you hear my mother, “Come on! Enough with these already!!!” My father pipes back, “Whaddya’ mean? Dis’ is a great deal! You crazy or sumptin’???” And then he just looks at me and says, “Your mudda’s crazy—see? I’m not da’ crazy one…your mudda’ is!”

27 comments:

J R Estelle said...

lol - my father went through this, except he'd buy pickups, keep them for 6 months, trade them in, etc etc until mom said THAT'S enough, PICK ONE - yeah don't ask.

i use to buy pencils buy the gross, just to "have" them, just "in case" - this was before I was teaching - now, I have one gross left, just in case.

AWE said...

My father is dangerous at garage sales. He comes home with stuff like a microwave with a dial timer, instead of digital, and says I have it in case someone needs it, plus I got it for $5.

samuru999 said...

Lol Deb...
Your dad is quite a character...
but...you gotta luv him!
My dad has been gone for quite a few years now...
he used to collect beer bottles...
kind of strange...
and, yes he drank way too much beer!

If I were you I would play that
Halloween trick on your dad!

Have a great day in Manhattan.
We are having a blizzard here!

Margie

Jay said...

That's a really great trick idea - hope you pull off something fantastic and let us all chuckle away.

Maddie said...

Great post Deb,
That was soo funny, I was laughing because I have witnessed the madness with the quantity of stuff your dad gets, first hand. Holy smokes, how many packages of washcloth's did he get? ok, I'll take twenty of them. He is a funny man. Your post reflects that wonderfully.

QUASAR9 said...

Lol! So,
It's not big brother over you
It's Big Daddy watching out for yah

Funny the swivel camera in the post
You recording, taking pics for the CIA of all who visit your place?

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

It's good to know that mine aren't the only crazy set of parents in the universe - although I'm willing to bet I am still the only person whose mother buys condoms for the dog!!

QUASAR9 said...

the rev dr kate, guess it's kinder
than doing away with the dog's nuts

Miss 1999 said...

*ROFLMAO* Deb, I'm about to piss myself here *LOL* I swear, my Momma will buy and BELIEVE anything with an "As Seen On TV" label on it. It's just so not right. Remind me, if I ever make it up your way, to not do anything stupid near your parental unit's property. I so don't want it on tape for the entire world to see *LOL* *hugs*

Nihilistic said...

I'm going to cancel my overnight stay at your parents house...No telling what he might catch on tape!!! ;)

Cazzie!!! said...

LOL. I guess it is hard to draw the line at some things. Being a parent of four younguns I know that when the kids go to their room for private "Self" time that I will not enter unless I have knocked and they say I can go in. I am teaching that to my daughters as they have the knack of just going in un announced into their older brother's room..imagine the goings on then!!
Hug him, tell him you love him, but tell him you want to be able to scratch your butt without being monitored :)

Åsa said...

Deb! Your dad is so funny! I love the way you write English with a Brooklyn/Italian (?) accent. Reminds me of my New Jersey/Italian friend. Her father speaks like that too.

I’m thinking you SHOULD have your friends do crazy stuff on the driveway. Maybe then he’ll take down the cameras?!

Did you read the MAD magazine when you where a kid? I remember them having ideas of getting different backgrounds depending on who you talk to on your camera-phone (a cleaned up room when mom called and a party when friends called). You could get pictures of something and hang in front of the camera so it looks real on the monitor maybe. Or is it too much work for not so good effect?

Leesa said...

I love "as seen on TV" stuff, but I will admit that I have never bought anything with that logo on it.

Anonymous said...

I hope as I age I never, ever feel the compulsion to buy stuff I see on tv.....unles of course it would make for good blog fodder.

Claire said...

Oh, stuff off the TV...my grandma's achilles heel...

Cxx

Nancy said...

Remind me not to pee in your yard if I ever attend a party at your house! I don't want to end up on Girls Go Wild or Caught on Tape!

I think the Magic Chef is great. How else can you make an impressive Greek salad in under 60 seconds? Okay, so I don't have one, but I have major MC envy...big time. I also love the Ronco stuff...rotisseries, knives, mini-mixers. I have trouble with insomnia sometimes, and watching TV at 2 a.m. is a dangerous thing!

Your blog is great. You always make me smile.

~Deb said...

Yeah, he also has the QVC madness as well. He stays up late, drinking espresso, and then winds up buying everything that he sees on TV. It's hysterical to hear him up at 3am, and then see the UPS guy come only a few days later.

So, with all your comments, that means if I held a huge blogger party, you wouldn't come because of the cameras???? (hehe) It could be like a reality show...Believe me, I'm living one!

Asa, I don't remember that part of MAD magazine, but it sounds funny! And yes---way too much work to amuse the man downstairs! But thank you! :)

Jazz said...

LOL, your parents seem hystarical. Ha ha.

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

After another day with the dog, I am thinking about making a short ad and putting it on late night tv - maybe your Dad would buy her? I'd charge a minimal fee and be willing to throw in the shaipping and handling!

~Deb said...

Jazz---LIVE next to them! hehe!

Rev Kate: Sold. Believe me, if it's a deal, he'll take it.

bazza27 said...

My in laws are obsessed with QVC, they watch it like regular tv, and know all the presenters, and everything about them. Even when we go to visit, QVC is left on whilst we're there.

LisaBinDaCity said...

Apparently your Dad and I have something in common. I laughed really hard when I read this... great minds ;-)

The Absent Minded Landlord said...

I am reminded of a store I saw just outside of Gatlinburge, TN. The name of the store was AS SEEN ON TV. It was just that, I giant store of only this kind of stuff. I'm thinking your dad should never hear of this.

QUASAR9 said...

lol!
Deb if you asked me round to play
wild horses couldn't keep me away
nevermind videocams the FBI or CIA

TrappedInColorado said...

Oh no!!! I have been bringing up your blog for a few weeks and seeing nothing new. I thought something may have happened but then I hit refresh! I've never had to do that before. Anyway, humourous post. You've got to get off Kettle One...

Peace

DaBich said...

Oh Lord, I'm laughing so hard here, I'm gonna wee LOL.
I think you should invite Quasar over to solve the problem of the cameras :X

Natalia said...

ROTFL...seriously y'all deserve your own reality show.

-N