Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A Voice From Queercents

I'm happy to introduce Dawn from Queercents over to my site. She is my guest blogger today who's going to share her views about being a Christian lesbian. Queercents is a personal finance blog serving the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. (LGBT)

"My Thoughts on Being a Christian Gay"

Deb asked me to write down a few of my thoughts about being a Christian gay (lesbian) as she said, "I love your outlook on it all". Well, I can't turn down an offer like that.

Let me give you a little background on me, I don't like to do this, but so many people who are homophobic read this stuff and have such preconceived ideas.

I come from a family where both my parents are still married in a loving relationship; I was raised in an evangelical home with no abuse. My parent's did spank me but nothing that was close to beating. I was not raised around gay people, nor did I even know what it was until I was in my mid-teens. We didn't even have a TV set until I was 14 years old. So I have no one or nothing to blame that would have "brainwashed" me. But I do know that I have had very strong relationships with woman and feelings for them. Oh, and I have a very good relationship with my mother, we can talk about anything. I believe I was born gay.

Now you know me a little. So what does this have to do with being a Christian Gay? It has been a process truthfully, being so immersed in the 'evangelical' upbringing it wasn't easy to understand why I could feel the way I do. Does God hate me? Why not make me like everyone else? Perhaps this is a test to see how faithful I can be, to 'take up my cross'. Sadly, going through this stress plus the added, and expected, drama from being a teenager, landed me in the hospital after an attempted suicide.

In order to understand how these feelings and my faith fit together I found a few verses that stuck with me as I healed:

Luke 12:6-8
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

"I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God"

If he knew my feelings and still loved me and realized that I didn't choose to have these feelings then He doesn't hate me. He made me unique. The test was not to be faithful by an outward appearance but by my inward soul.

Galatians 3:28
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

Christians complicate things so much, I knew I needed to step away from my upbringing and find the foundation of what I believed and who I was. I found it in these simple verses

John 13:34-35
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Matthew 22:37-39
"Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself."

The above is the soil of my faith. The rain that God produces, to help me grow, are varying. Sometimes the rain comes down like a thunderstorm and I feel attacked by other 'Christians'. Like a scene out of the movie " Saved!" where Mandy Moore yelled "I am filled with Christ's love" and chucked a bible at Jena Malone. (I adore that movie, a must see). Other times the rain is light and comes in the everyday experiences of trusting Him.

It is after the rain, that eventually the sun comes out and this little flower can relax and enjoy. But one thing you will see from the above is that over time my eyes have turned from constantly looking at myself and what I perceive are my faults and instead turned my focus on what coming was above. The feelings I had that in essence came from well meaning people became less and less a concern as I made every effort to follow the first and greatest commandment.

The cross I bear now is not a feeling I was born with, but is the hatred people have for me while still trying to convey love back (the second command). I will be the first to say that I am not a great person and don't always follow through, but God nudges me back to him and shows me the error of my ways and to correct them. But I have never been nudged to change my lifestyle. What I thought was nudging in my teens, were the loud voices of my upbringing and when that finally died down, the still, small voice didn't speak to me about my lifestyle, but about loving and forgiving as God has done.

I will always consider myself a Christian Gay, a Christian first and my orientation is secondary. Because when I take my eyes off Him, my world becomes dark, angry and depressing. But when I look up, only then do I understand and see the love, the contentment, the light and what is important

Enough about me, let's talk about you…