Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Testosterone = Patience

What’s the rush?

Usually, when you’re back in the dating pool, it’s hard to decipher a good catch from a bad one. You just don’t know them. There are many times to be spent sharing, laughing, talking and getting acquainted with this ‘stranger’ that you’re now dating. It takes time. Some people can hide many things for a long period of time, but eventually, those skeletons come crashing out of the closet burying you with tons of bones. Is it too hard to wait it out?

Let me drag you into my world… Lesbians. That’s all I need to say before you start painting a picture of a U-Haul loaded with twenty cats and maybe a piece of furniture or two. I guess it’s comparable to dog years as far as dating. Two months is fourteen, one year is equal to seven, three years is equal to twenty-one years. Get my drift? After the two month mark, most lesbians are already picking out china and trekking to Ikea for their ‘assemble yourself’ furniture.

Stop right there! I didn’t say “all lesbians”. I can feel a lesbian gasping at the screen right now as she reads my post. Breathe….breathe….no hate mail....please!

So then, why are lesbian couples so quick to move in with one another and rush the relationship? What about the ‘dating’ phase? That’s the fun part about a relationship. If you miss that, you’ll miss the entire excitement of the relationship.

Here’s my nonprofessional, scientifically incorrect opinion on this. In a heterosexual relationship, who’s the one who always wants to get married? The woman, right? Who’s usually the one that bitches and moans to finally get hitched after four years of being engaged? I’m right? Right? ...Right.

Okay, so imagine two women in a relationship. Holy matrimony made on a stop watch! It’s a race to the alter---or whatever ordained minister will marry these two couples in whatever state allows it. Oy. Not getting into that conversation right now.

It’s a matter of two women being together. The estrogen levels are enough to make any terrorist shiver with fear. This hormone will literally destroy a small village. It’s a force to be reckoned with. It’s balanced off when in a heterosexual relationship, or if one woman in the lesbian relationship has much more testosterone. (Can you believe I said that?)

Moving on… The big commitment sign is the toothbrush being stuck in the other girl’s holder. Then it’s the ‘stay over clothes’ lingering around. Eventually, you will see sanitary napkins and other menstrual paraphernalia within the confines of your basin. The sleepovers become much more frequent, and the other one never wants to go home.

“Gawd, I’m paying so much rent, and it’s going up next month too, after my lease. I’m not sure I want to sign another full year.”

That’ll be the first ‘verbal attack’. The other one will sit there and think up solutions. Now if she has more testosterone in her, she’ll just say, “Well find a new apartment honey!” But if she has a high estrogen level, she’ll simply say, “Oh sweetie, why don’t you stay with me for a while…”

BAM!

My girlfriend and I waited two whole years before we moved in together. It’s weird, even though we’re both feminine women, we hold more testosterone than the typical woman does. No—really, we have had our hormone levels checked out. I’m through the roof. My mother just asked me, “Your sex drive must be high!” Oh GAWD I did not want to hear that from my mom! Not to mention my routine waxing that goes on. Yeah, shush. So anyway, it took us two years to finally shack up. The reason why we’re together for so long (in my opinion) is because we "dated". We were best friends beforehand. We went out to dinner, and went home afterwards. We took little day trips, and then went back to our own homes. We courted one another. It was so much fun! Why are people choosing to miss out on this?

Women are in a rush. They’re clock is ticking. For lesbians? They’re clock is ticking to find her mate and settle down ASAP. My theory on why they have so many damn cats, is because while they’re waiting for their new girlfriend to give them the green light and say, “Come on – move in with me,” they have some company at their place. Cats are patient and they’re good pets to have around. They’re low maintenance and only require food and love.

I never dated a woman who had a cat. I never will. Not only am I allergic, but the mere thought of Toxoplasmosis scares the crap out of me. People who usually have cats don’t even know the dangers about having these cute little felines…that make me go into a fit of asthma attacks. I know I’ll be getting hate mail from PETA or a bunch of animal lovers. I’m willing to stand strong with my argument! To me, a woman with many cats screams out, “HELP!”

What’s my whole point of this post? Ah—my two dear friends who will remain nameless. Oh let’s just name them. Susie and Dorothy. (This has no relation to the Susie and Dorothy from the Sisters of Assumption. No relation at all.)

Anyway, Susie and Dorothy were dating for a short period of time---about three months. Susie proposed to Dorothy with a ring and asked her to move in. Dorothy wasn’t ready because she was enjoying the dating phase.; it was way too soon. Susie got upset, and broke up with her, because she felt the love wasn’t equal.

To me, this is sad, because Susie may have given up the best thing in her life. Her impatience caused her to break up with the woman she loved with all her heart. In my eyes, I see Dorothy as the one with the ‘high testosterone’ levels, due to her patience and willing to wait it out. You can disagree with me, but I see it all the time and I always analyze this to death.

What if these two decided to shack up right away? Instant marriage! (Or civil union) Whatever. No more picking her up for a dinner date, no more late night phone calls, no more wondering where she is. (Okay that one we can all do without.) But the whole mystery of ‘where is this going’ is completely gone. You’re ‘there’ already.

Girls---wait it out! I hope these two finally realize what they had together, and what still can be. These two women are beautiful, intelligent, and loving people. I would love to see these two women make it there. And they will…they just need more testosterone…or patience.