Fort the longest time, I have been telling my friends, family and other people about the book I wrote. I explained that it mainly dealt with the gay community and how to cope with the issues pertaining to religion, spirituality vs. the homosexual lifestyle. Of course, I use biblical scriptures to back up my theory on why I believe God loves all of us unconditionally; why He knows every single person living on this earth struggles with living in the physical nature. Everyone falls short.
Well, I got feedback on my book from everyone who read it. (Friends & family mostly) They asked me, “Why did you list it mainly for the gay & lesbian community when this book actually helped me?” They claimed that the gay and lesbian issues were very little and that the book applies to everyone really. I was kind of taken back and really thought about it. It does have a lot to do with everyone’s issues. I was trying to focus on the gay and lesbian community, so that they wouldn’t be afraid to come to God if they felt ‘guilt’ or ‘shame’ as some Christians say they should feel.
So what’s the main theme of my book? My life really. I went through a break up that left me devastated. It made me feel emotions such as failure, guilt, depression, anger, and grief. I sunk into a depression I barely got out of. I dated someone for a few years, and I broke it off with her due to her jealous behavior. I couldn’t tip-toe around her anymore, but I loved her very much.
This is the first that I speak of ‘her’, because it’s very hard for me to talk about. I speak of her here and there—but not the full story. It’s in my book. I don’t ‘ex bash’ or make her out to be some sort of beast, because she’s not. I loved this woman because we shared a connection---a deep connection that was hard to let go of. It was painful letting go of her, but the emotions that roared within the relationship left me full of anxiety and fear. I’m sure I was no picnic to deal with either.
She basically gave me an ultimatum. She gave me a few that I couldn’t compromise with. First of all, I was still friends with Madelene. We were separated, but we always remained friends and helped one another out if needed. She wanted that to end totally. There was no threat there, and there was no reason to think that I was being unfaithful—because I wasn’t.
The ex gave me six months to make a decision whether or not I wanted to get a place with her. I wasn’t ready to live with her just yet. We were constantly on and off…off and on…so how was I supposed to know this was going to be a steady run? I was insecure about it, and was trying to work things out with her. She couldn’t live with the present moment, and constantly focused on ‘what next, what next’?... I just wanted to have a calm relationship where my best friend was my lover. She wasn’t content with that at all.
When I told her that I couldn’t live with these ultimatums, and broke off the relationship—she left and that was that. It was as if I didn’t exist anymore. She completely stopped all contact and wrote me out of her life completely without compromising just a little bit for me. I even got as desperate to say, “Listen, move in with me!” And sent her roses saying I would give it a try. ...No. That wasn’t good enough for her, and she had already made arrangements with someone else to live with. She found someone else, and that was the end of the ‘what next’ scenario.
Here’s a little excerpt from the book, "A Prayer Away From Healing" to explain what I went through...
Weep bitterly and passionately; observe
the proper period of a mourning for the person. Mourn for
a whole day or maybe two, to keep people from talking, but
then pull yourself together and reconcile yourself to the
loss. Grief can undermine your health and even lead to your
own death. ~Sirach 38:17-18
Hundreds of tissues thrown in the waste basket, a few
lingering on the floor because I missed, and letters from my
ex-girlfriend lying around; there I was sulking, and at times,
hysterically crying. My eyes were red and puffy from the tears
that kept flowing uncontrollably; like a faucet that couldn’t be
turned off. Thoughts raced through my head, “Did she love me
at all?” Rereading the letters that she once wrote to me, “I’ll
never let you go; I love you more than anything.” Was it all a lie?
And if it was true love, why did she give up so easily on me?
Why did she let me break up with her and not fight for me? That
question alone sounds crazy. Our on and off relationship has
finally been stomped out for the last time. I knew I was never
going to see her again. I had feelings of unworthiness and failure.
I have failed at this relationship because I failed to keep her here
with me. I actually pushed her away for goodthis time. The last
conversation we both had was a good one.
She had visited me and we both told each other how much we
loved and cared for one another, and left it at that. In her eyes,
we both knew it was our last ‘goodbyes’. It hit me just as hard
as if someone I loved had passed away. It would have made a
difference if she said to me, “Deb, I no longer love you anymore,
it’s not there and I want to move on.” That I could have handled,
but knowing that she still loved me as much as I loved her, it
made it all the more difficult. It made it as equal as a death.
I cried so much that night that it left me with heart palpitations
and chest pains the whole entire evening. When I woke up,
the palpitations were there to greet me as I had my morning
coffee. The coffee stirred them up even more! I convinced
myself that I was having a heart attack. My best friend called
me and heard how upset I was. I told her that I was having
palpitations and I needed to go to the hospital. She urgently
left her job and picked me up right away. Needless to say, we
stayed in the emergency room for five hours as I was hooked
up to heart monitors and E.K.G. machines. I made myself sick
over this. I had to see cardiologists and wear holter monitors
overnight to make sure it wasn’t anything serious. The break
up not only affected me emotionally, but it affected me
physically. I thought that I was dying. I had lost someone I
loved so much. I wanted to die. I didn’t care at this point. I felt
numb when I went to sleep at night. I mourned a bit too much
for her, and I knew I was in trouble.
I had to make a decision. I had to decide if I was going to live my
life, or die for this woman. I chose to live. I went to God and prayed.
“God, whydid this happen? Why are we apart when we love each
other so much? Why do things have to be so difficult?” I prayed,
meditated and spent hours reading the bible.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 Even though the fig trees have to
blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vine; even though
the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even
though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are
empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the
God of my salvation. The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He
will make me as surefooted as a deer and bring me safely
over the mountains.
What that passage means is, no matter how depressed you
are or how dreadful things seem to be in your life, if you go
to God and rejoice in the Lord, He will give you strength and
guide you through this difficult time. I am certain that if I did
not go to God for help that I would have become either very
ill or even dead at this point. My life would have taken a turn
for the worse. I am sure that this was all meant to be. This was
a time for me to slow down and evaluate my life and where it
was going. I wanted to be happy and relied on someone else
to do that for me; not realizing that no one can make me
completely happy unless I was happy alone. I needed to be
alone for a while; to spend more time praying to God and
reading the bible. This whole situation is what led me to write
this book, so in that aspect, I am grateful. Sometimes God
puts a situation in our lives for you to produce a wonderful
accomplishment. I believe that with all my heart. I admit, I
never want to go through that heartache again, but as it turns
out, I have accomplished something I have always dreamed
of; it has turned into a positive thing. Remember, God sees
the “big picture.” Difficult times in our lives can only make us
stronger if we seek God. If we don’t seek God, we will wilt like
a flower. We will sink into that depression that the evil one
prepares for us.
If you let God help you, He will heal your heart and make
you stronger than you ever knew. God has brought people into
my life that made me forget about my broken heart. He has
given me certain situations that made me focus on different
things other than my break up and He has given me strength
and hope so that I can move on with my life.
As I said, the depression I went through almost took my life. I was at a point where I had a gun to my head and debating whether or not to live or die. I chose to live thank God, because I heard a voice that was asking me, “What about your family? Do you think this is a selfless route to take? Do you realize how many other people you’ll be hurting?”
That thought alone made me stop and put the gun down. She wasn’t worth my life. Yes—she’s an incredible woman—but not worth a bullet in my head. No. Hardly anyone knows about that part. This is what I went through; what God got me through. Still to this day, I speak to ‘her’. I will not say names nor put her in a bad light. I wasn’t the ‘best girlfriend’ to have either at that time, because I was just coming out of a relationship when I met her. I had tons of emotional baggage. I needed to be on a hiatus before dating someone else. It wasn’t fair to her, and I have apologized to her a million times over.
Two years later, we got back in contact with one another and basically felt ‘the connection’ still. We promised one another we would never act upon it, due to our commitments with our current girlfriends; but we decided to be ‘friendly’---and an email here and there wouldn’t hurt. Or would it? We even tried meeting up, and realized that there was too much anxiety to even attempt that. Was it anxiety or lingering feelings that got in the way? We both backed out of it because we knew it would be unhealthy for the both of us to continue being ‘real friends’ in ‘real life’.
At times I still get a little melancholy thinking about the good times I had with her—and remembering the great friendship we once shared. I miss her in that way. I don’t miss the awful heart palpitations and anxiety attacks worrying over what mistake I made, or how I could make her happier. I couldn’t make her happier. She needed something I couldn’t possibly give her—which was ‘me’.
It’s something that happened in the past which has been forgiven, but never forgotten. This is the reason why I wrote the book in the first place. It started off as a personal journal at first--and then turned into a book. I thank her for the experiences we shared, and the friendship she gave me.