Sunday, April 09, 2006

Confucius de Jour

Confucius Say: When you awaken tomorrow, solutions to your problems will become clear.

That’s exactly what it said in my fortune cookie. I even put the little tiny piece of paper under my pillow. I woke up at around 9 am and was fooled. Everything was still foggy. I went to open the blinds, and to my surprise, the sun was out and it was a crystal clear day. It looked so warm and inviting. I went to step outside on my deck to take in the air. As soon as I opened the sliding glass door, a cold frigid wind practically engulfed me with its bitter bite. I closed the door immediately and turned up the heat. Sometimes things aren’t what they appear to be.

I wonder if that concept sort of explains my nature. Am I who you think I am? Or am I who I want you to think I am? Some people conjure up a total different picture of what someone may be like. Have you ever come across someone talking about a celebrity as if they knew them in person? It amazes me how often all of us assume what a person is like. I do it too. I sometimes imagine if I ever walked into Sharon Stone, she’d shun me and say, “Oh darling, I don’t have time…please!”--when in fact, she may be flattered that her one billionth fan had approached her asking for her autograph. Our minds are creative whether you think so or not. We practically make up a person’s character.

There are many facets that make up someone’s personality. To me, that’s what makes people so interesting. For others, they may assume that person with many ‘facets’ has a multiple personality disorder. It’s possible, but a bit presumptuous in my opinion.

What makes someone’s personality? What compounds all these little complex moods, behaviors and outward appearances? It can be environmental. Someone may be affected by the weather; whether it’s dreary out, no sunlight, lack of vitamin D—which has also something to do with SAD (seasonal affective disorder). They become depressed and more melancholy. In my case, it can be a bad case of PMS—and then you might want to just avoid me for those couple of days. My girlfriend just ‘yeses’ me to death, until she knows the storm has passed. Not a pretty sight.

Spring is here. Well, after yesterday’s snowfall, it was hard to determine that. The weather is slowly but surely coming back to sunny and warmer days. That usually puts a little pep in our step. The thought of wearing no heavy jackets and scarves may make us feel excited. Longer days, shorter nights and more time to spend outside.

There are a few blogs I read on a daily basis. It’s not all the time I comment; sometimes I just take it in…and take it for what it’s worth. There are times I find that some writers talk about the same issue; the same problem or situation in their lives. I wonder if they ever think about anything else. Then I wonder how other people seem to have a variety of things to write about. It’s not like all of us are the same—of course we’re not, but how can one person write about one thing constantly, and another have a million things to write about? Do some have more life experiences than others? Or do some people limit their writings to a minimum? Are they scared to open up further? Or are they just more conservative and reserved about the details of their complex lives? We all have complex lives—none of us have the ‘perfect life’.

Which brings me to the reason of this serious post… I received an email from a reader inquiring about my candidness. I can only say this… If I were to limit myself to a more conservative structure, I would feel trapped and limited. It wouldn’t be ‘me’. My whole life has been an open book. When people meet me, they’re sometimes surprised what comes out of my mouth. I say what they think. Some people aren’t used to that, and others feed off of it. I’m not lewd or say things that are totally inappropriate; I’m honest and I say things that others may want to ‘keep in’. If I’m not embarrassed by it—why should they be? Why should anybody be? It’s my ‘thing’; it’s my life. Maybe a certain experience in my life that I share with someone may help them. Maybe they’ll think, “Hey, I’m not alone…I have that problem too!” That’s my goal. I want people to know that we’re all here for the experience; for the trials and unique tribulations that we’re sometimes overcome with embarrassment over.

Even when I go out with my girlfriend, there are times when I feel comfortable enough to tell someone, “Oh we’re a ‘couple’…” if asked of course, or sometimes I don’t say a word and let their minds assume what it may. It’s not that I’m ashamed about being a lesbian, it’s simply a matter of safety reasons. Sometimes I get good response---where they are very accepting, and sometimes I can get a bad response; whether it be, “That’s an abomination to God!” or, “Wow, do you need a third party?” Sometimes people think we’re bi-sexual due our feminine qualities. Fine. Think what you will. We don’t label ourselves. We’ve been together for a long time and we’re monogamous—so I guess that makes us human beings that love. I hate labels. Like I have said in other posts before, who knows if my girlfriend and I were to break off one day that some man couldn’t sweep me off my feet? No one knows the future. Some women that have been married to a man for twenty years with kids sometimes figure out---“Hey, I’m gay!” It happens. They could either fall in love with their best friend or realize ‘this life isn’t for them’. It can also happen to women who are lesbians. They can wake up one day and realize, “Oh my sweet Lord I think I’m in love with ‘him’!” I’ve seen in happen a few times.

Once you label someone, you permanently mark a tattoo on their persona. We do it for different reasons. Personalities, traits and other human characteristics are so complex and diversified that in my opinion—that it’s impossible to put ‘one’ label on one person. There are so many things about one person that you’ll never get to find out about them---when all along---we thought ‘we knew them’. Do we know them? Do we know our own family members? Do we know our husband/wife/or partner? I still have yet to know everything about my girlfriend Madelene. I don’t think I’ll ever know ‘everything’ about her—but I accept what she’s willing to put forth. No one has the right to be entitled to every aspect of someone's life—unless that one person is willing to dish out that info. …And if you’re lucky enough, they’ll give it to you.

Hell—when did I become so damn serious? See what sobriety does to me? I need a drink for the love of God! I’ve been consumed by espresso and a lot of thinking…possibly too much thinking. I need more ‘drinking’. I don’t mean to get you in a ‘sappy-serious-make ya wanna talk about philosophy and save the world’ type of mood'I just wanted you to know what was brewing inside my mind besides the mass amount of coffee flowing through my veins.

In conclusion my friends, never go too long without a beer…never go too long without calling a friend…and never go too long without sex. That’s what life’s all about.

I’ll be stuffing my laptop under a rock for a day or two. Madelene (my girlfriend) has off tomorrow and Tuesday, so needless to say, so will I. I’ll be back on Wednesday, unless Madelene bores me to death and doesn’t take me out for a good time. (She’s gonna kill me for writing that…I love you honey!!!) Now take my ass out!

When I come back, I’ll be pumped up with more alcohol and more comical material to get rid of this sappiness that has overwhelmed my personality. Say a prayer!


DISCLAMER: Side affects include dizziness, drowsiness, depression and thoughts of suicide. Reading this post may have serious affects on the brain. Antidepressants may be suggested by your physician if you feel any of the above. Increased desire for alcohol and drugs may occur is some people. Delusional thought processes and brainwashing affects may be hazardous to your social life. This post may give you the gumption to walk out on a ledge somewhere and end it all. If you know the author and wish to cheer them up with happy words—then do so. If you feel that this post is threatening in anyway to your mental health, please stop reading this blog immediately. Deb has no responsibility for your mental wellbeing and psychotic moments—for she has enough of her own.