Thursday, March 16, 2006

Last Impressions

You’ve got to be kidding. I mean seriously, why is it whenever you try to go to the grocery store in sweat pants and your hair up in a funky twisty thingie—you bump into that one person you’ve been dreading to see? The one person you don't want to see when your guard is down? I looked like death warmed over sifting through the produce section. Not a pretty sight—I assure you that. And talk about insecurity issues with my previous post. This was bad.

It was her. It was my ex from a long time ago. The last time I had seen her, I made it a point to really put on my best ‘last impression’. I know, I know, first impression is like gold—but just think—the last impression is platinum. Know what I mean?

Anyway, as I was squeezing all the melons in aisle one of the supermarket, I feel someone looking at me. I feel eyes darting my every move; I just felt it. I look over and it’s her. This girl broke my heart years ago, and here she was seeing if it was really me. Oh yeah, it was me alright. I must have had the worst hair day. Hell, I didn’t even do my hair. I just put it up and off I went. The make up situation? None. The outfit? An Adias sweat suit. Hmm…maybe she thought I just got out of the gym? Who knows. I just wanted to drop the melons and run out of there like a bat outa’ hell.

The inevitable happens and our eyes meet. I wish I pretended to not know who she was, but my heart went ~pitter-patter~ and I guess my eyes gave it away. Why would someone from so long ago still have such an affect on me—even though I have no feelings for this woman whatsoever?

“Deb?”
“Hey! How are you?”
I asked, in such a fake ~happy-go-lucky~ voice.
“I’m great! Oh my God, how have you been?” She said. She said she was ‘great’. How can I compete with that?
“Doing good! Doing good! Hanging in there, ya know…” Hanging in there? Did I just tell her that I was hanging on to life by a thread? Did I just reveal that I was absolutely unhappy and miserable without her? Did I just tell her I’m suicidal? No.. I just hate telling people ‘hey I’m doing so wonderful’ and having them feel like their life sucks. But, regardless, I’m still just ‘hanging in there’…We won’t tell her that though. Or wait—I already did.

So this uncomfortable conversation goes on for a few minutes and I am inching my way to the organic section. I guess just to show I was ‘health conscious’ or something. Who knows. My mind does whacky things when I’m in an awkward situation. I didn’t know what to do with my hands other than rub the melon as if it was a crystal ball. What a freak I am.

Now you would think at the first ‘hello’, we would hug each other like long lost friends. No. My body language was like, “Oh no way sister—do. not. touch. me.” Plus, I didn’t want her getting a close up with the awful dry ass skin complexion I had going on. I didn’t even moisturize before leaving the house. I was a wreck. You can tell she noticed the ‘no hug deal'. It was obvious. Her demeanor went down a bit—almost suspiciously down. I didn’t care. She wasn’t touching me and that was that.

“Well, I have to go—but it was so nice to see you!” I said, still holding tightly to my melon so no hug would come flying through.
“Same here…same here, Deb.” She said, in this low tone as she stared at me with a prolonged smile. No—it was disturbing. Can I look away now? Is she done staring? Great, my last impression looks like I just rolled out of bed. I could have been friendlier, but I couldn’t stop thinking how awful I appeared to her. See what I mean? I know I can speak for a lot of people when I say we are so fricken concerned about what others think of us. Imagine approaching that kind of situation not even having a thought of, ‘Eek, she’s gonna see me like this?’

The funny part about this scenario is, this woman has seen me wake up in the morning looking the same as I did today. So why would I care so much? Did I want her to think I look ten times better now that she’s gone? Now that she is completely out of my life? I knew it would happen one day where I bump into her, but in my mind I thought, ‘I’ll be looking my best’. Ha! What a joke. I have to say, God has a great sense of humor.